Canton Ratchet Madness 2024 Round 1: Whole Internet Region
Voting is completed in the Chloe Region and the following 8 ratchets have advanced to the second round.
We finally had our first “upset” with 12 seeded Julie Nagel taking down the extremely rude Jim Farris, who I thought should’ve been in the Final Four. But alas the people have spoken and some great matchups are set for round 2 next week.
Time to move onto the Whole Internet Region where we’ll be choosing the last 8 ratchets to advance to the round of 32. You have 24 hours to vote.
1. Michael Proctor vs. 16. Nicholas Guarino
1. Michael Proctor – Corrupt cop who likes to plant tail light wherever he goes, intentionally misspell the names of witnesses in police reports, lie about his relationship with the McAlberts, and lie about what time he tows cars before blaming it on daylight savings and calling it a scrivener’s error
16. Nicholas Guarino – Westfield State grad and forensic expert who hasn’t figured out how to find deleted text messages and phone calls
8. Plevin vs. 9. Boundless Millenial
8. Plevin – Attention seeking YouTube grifter who pretends to be down the middle and looking for facts but is really just a bitter disgraced bartender with a personal vendetta against Turtleboy
9. Boundless Millenial – Grown man on Tik Tok who initially supported Karen Read but realized he could get more attention by being a flamboyantly gay contrarian
4. Helena Rafferty vs. 13. Cam Sanchez
4. Helena Rafferty – Corrupt police chief who likes to cover up incidents where she runs elderly people over, arrests peaceful protesters, and gives public rants demanding Turtleboy apologize for saying she’s banging Kenny Berkowitz
13. Cam Sanchez – Son of a McAlbert supporter and friend of Colin Albert who sent graphic threatening messages to Turtleboy before taking down his Twitter account
5. Natalie the German vs. 12. Lisa Crisileo
5. Natalie the German – Has a friend who won 5-8 Emmy awards and turned to the McAlberts and corrupt cops because Karen Read wouldn’t be best friends with her anymore, knows a lot about sofas, wants to give money to babies with AIDS
12. Lisa Crisileo – Got knocked up by Tim Albert, suspiciously filled in perfectly functional pool, and aligned herself with Krusty Panties out of desperation
3. Karl Dugal vs. 14. Kristy Cetrone
3. Karl Dugal – Disgraced Boston Police detective who admits the investigation into John O’Keefe’s death is shady but still blames Karen Read because she hurt his feelings and didn’t call him back the day her boyfriend was murdered by the McAlberts
14. Kristy Cetrone – Insane unemployed wine mom who previously supported Karen Read and Turtleboy and now spends all day on Twitter pretending to be an expert on everything
6. Kerry Roberts vs. 11. Brian Higgins
6. Kerry Roberts – Desperate to fit in with Canton elite, completely blind to the facts in front of her, treated like a lost puppy dog by Jennifer McCabe
11. Brian Higgins – ATF agent who clocked into work at 1:30 after drinking all day, claimed he went to sleep, then said he butt dialed Brian Albert at 2:22 AM while he was sleeping
7. Diana White vs. 10. Twisted Tragedies
7. Diana White – Plus sized lush who coerced teenage daughter to throw an egg at a 5 year old boy from her moving car during peaceful protest
10. Twisted Tragedies – YouTube grifter/welfare/GoFundMe queen who refuses to get a job, raises money for her boyfriend’s softball trip to Florida, shows up to court in pajamas, stopped supporting Karen Read once she was called out for scamming
2. Jill Daniels vs. 15. Kevin Albert
2. Jill Daniels – Spicy sister of Julie Albert who looks like a beat up leather couch, secretly wants to hate fuck Turtleboy despite calling him a looossaahh, turtle douche, and asking for confirmation of awards
15. Kevin Albert – Corrupt Canton Police Detective brother of Brian Albert who tried to intimidate Brian Higgins after McAlberts all received grand jury subpoenas
