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I Went To Do My Own First Amendments Audits, And The Results May Shock You!

No, they probably won't shock you, actually.

As I have been keeping myself busy systematically debunking the lies of YouTube’s self-proclaimed “First Amendment Auditors” and destroying the few shreds of credibility these perpetually unemployed grifters have left, I am often met with the same tired refrain. “But Bristol, at least they’re out there putting their lives on the line for our rights and freedom. What do you do?”
Well, fist of all – no they’re not. Secondly, I pay taxes on my income, purchases and property – thus effectively doing more for this country’s prosperity than any of these professional agitator little worms – and let’s be real…I’m not doing much. But hey, if what they’re doing is really the ultra-noble task of testing our Constitutionally protected freedom of the press by filming police station lobbies during what are normal working hours to most productive adults, who am I to judge without trying it out for myself? So earlier this week, I did just that. I made a point to set some rules for myself, to be sure that I stayed laser-focused at the ultimate task at hand – putting my life on the line to exercise my First Amendment right to look like a weirdo with a cell phone in several police station lobbies. To stay objective, I vowed to:
1. Simply film my surroundings, without inciting, harassing, obstructing or otherwise bothering/observing the people around me. When you’re behaving as a “journalist”, the idea is to simply capture the news, not be the news. Filming and reporting a house fire makes you a journalist, I guess? Lighting that fire to film it makes you an arsonist.
2. Do my best to not film private citizens to subsequently post on the internet. If the objective is to hold government officials accountable, that does not include someone’s 75 year old grandma who lost her keys a week ago (True story from one of the lobbies I was creeping.) In fact, from my experience, it would appear Josh Abrams, Patrick Roth, Earl Worden and Anselmo Morales-Torres’ days all have more in common with the members of the United Methodist Church’s Monday 4pm Bridge Club than they do any notable activist or Pulitzer-winning journalist.

Simple enough, right? And with these simple rules in mind, I embarked out on my first ever mission as a First Amendment activist. And the results were really shocking….Just kidding. There were no results, really. I just walked away from the whole experience feeling really weird, embarrassed, and like a HUGE loser for hanging around filming people at work at 2pm on a Tuesday. I’ll keep my day job, thanks.

These guys didn’t care I was there at all. Most likely because they were at work, and had shit to do.

This guy just wanted to get his paperwork done.

And when I told him I was performing a First Amendment audit, his response was “Oh, ok. Great.”

What a tyrant!

This guy actually seemed happy to see me.

And I managed to record approximately 45 minutes of empty chairs and police station walls.

Super exciting.

If there’s any doubt in your mind left as to what these so-called “Auditors” are really doing out there, let me assure you – I tested it. They’re purposely inciting conflict and negative reactions because that is interesting to watch on YouTube. Because, this right here –

Is not interesting at all. A real IRS audit is probably more exciting, honestly. So these abject unemployable losers go out into our communities armed with nothing more than a smartphone and some serious seething issues with authority (and probably their fathers), and they create drama. With every conflict they create, the police grow more wary of the citizens that enter their stations, and the public watching these videos grows more distrustful of the police, all while these jackoffs line their pockets with the proceeds raised by inciting civil unrest. Is this activism? Obviously not. We can’t allow them to continue saying that it is.

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