A Lesson In Unsuccessful Online Dating, Brought To You By Local Ginger Copblock Enthusiast Joe “Orga” Hart
I've waited nearly a year to give Joe a taste of his own medicine.
You may or may not remember that about a year ago, Grundlestilskin AKA Greasy Ginger Loser Joe Hart filmed himself harassing a woman in a Rhode Island police station that he thought was me, and posted in on the internet.
You may or may not also recall that he did this right after stalking the wife of a police officer to her home, photographing her vehicle parked in her own driveway, and posting it to the internet – because Joe is a level 11 creeper for sure.
Well, I didn’t forget, because I never forget. I vowed revenge that day, because we are all Turtleboy, and if you mess with one of us you mess with me. Boy, did I exact it today. Let me explain.
You see, early last week, a rider alerted me that Grundy was on Tinder, and I saw an opportunity, as did the rest of my team.
So we crafted a Tinder profile that we felt would attract a mid-thirties, greasy, anti-establishment lifetime loser – and it did just that. Immediately. Like, within 15 minutes.
What followed was a week-long tutorial on exactly how NOT to get any pussy, provided by Grundy himself in real-time. This is probably the first public service he has actually provided in his entire miserable life, so let me share it with you, so you know precisely what to do in the case that you too would like to become literally the most historically undesirable human being in existence.
First and foremost, if you want to scare off every piece of trim in a 50 mile radius, you should definitely select pictures of yourself looking as unwashed as possible and prominently feature them on your online dating profile.
Sweet tie-dye suit jacket combo, bro. That’s one surefire way to get a swipe left every single time.
On the odd chance that one or two females actually do, whether by accident or gross negligence on the part of the orderlies in charge of them at the State Mental Hospital to which they are admitted, swipe right and actually match – have no fear. You can always send along the video of yourself screaming like an emasculated stuck pig whilst being put in cuffs by the Worcester PD. Accompany that with the explanation that they “tortured” you by arresting you for acting like a petulant child looking for a fight in their lobby, and express your full intent to profit from said incident because you are a 34-year old manchild who drives around stoned all day for Uber and lives in an apartment with roommates.
Then just watch all the ladies float right away, out of your grasp forever.
So hot. Does she still have any lingering thoughts about hooking up with you? Wow, her legal guardian really needs to keep a closer eye on her. Anyway, just take another tip from Joe – and cry about Turtleboy. Throwing in some references to your “lawyer” helps, too. Nothing says “steaming hot sex God” quite like an Uber driver who claims to have an attorney on retainer, yet can’t afford his own craphole apartment.
Then spend the next several days prattling on and on about how awesome you think you are, even though you are demonstratively not. Make sure to throw in that time you were “featured” in a Viceland show for a cumulative of 15 seconds as “nameless, non-speaking stoner guy.”
Still got some cracked out mental patient interested in slobbing your knob for some inexplicable reason? That’s a tough one – it’s going to be hard to shake her. But have no fear, Joe has you covered. Simply identify yourself as an acronym like you are some sort of off-brand bootleg Chinese OS or failed program for Skynet,
And then proceed to brag about how you spend your days getting stoned and driving around for Uber when you’re not doing “labor for your friends”,
Concocting insane conspiracy theories that only you and your made-up attorney care about,
Don’t forget to mention that at 34-years old you only just got an apartment for yourself…..well, a room in an apartment anyway.
And that your career ambitions include “putting quarters in parking meters and leaving business cards so people will donate to me.”
…Although your plans were thwarted by totally unforeseen circumstances when you ran out of business cards. That’s business, you know? There are some mountains you just can’t climb, boys and girls.
Holy crap, does this broad still want to bang you? You better do something quick, sir or madame, or risk catching Hep C. Perhaps becoming the object of some un-medicated schizophrenic’s paranoid delusions. Fret not; Joe has you covered. Creepily attempt over and over to get the lady in your van, alone, through the promise of mind-altering substances.
Then throw in that extra weirdo factor by looking up what you believe to be her flight number, and send it to her. Completely unsolicited.
And don’t forget that even though you’re clearly a beggar, you are entirely entitled to be a chooser, too.
Is the lady still interested? This is getting suspicious. Oh well, just send over the most cringe-worthy selfies from public restrooms you can muster – and then repeated weird memes. Over, and over, and over.
Is your rendezvous still standing, after all of this? Strange. There’s one more thing you can learn from Joe – you probably shouldn’t go around and harass random women, postal workers, town secretaries and cops. Because more likely than not – you’re being next-level trolled.
And if you’re anything like Joe, you’ll have an epic meltdown in public once you figure it out and get chased off from a bar by the management and patrons – just like the video of Joe we revealed last night on our live show.
Let this be a lesson in what NOT to do with your live, courtesy of fat, greasy ginger Joe Hart – if you want to pick up a chick off Tinder, do NOT do any of the things illustrated above. And if you don’t want to be messed with online, do NOT go around and harass/film random innocent people all day and post it online. Because sooner or later – those tables just might turn.
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