My kids are obsessed with Frozen and can’t wait to see Frozen 2, but there’s just one problem – they think Anna is the hero/protagonist. This is a myth I’ve seen a lot, so I had to rant at the beginning of the live show about what a false narrative this is. In reality Anna is a dangerous liability who tries to get everyone killed, while Elsa is the hero who gets no credit. Here’s why.
- Elsa was born with a horrible disability that makes her unlovable. She will die a virgin unless she’s willing to infect a man which would turn him into a frozen statue. For that reason she selflessly isolated herself from her family in her room because she loved them.
- Anna is a moron. She won’t leave Elsa alone because she “wants to build a snowman,” when in reality if she played with Elsa she’d become the snowman. She knows this because Elsa literally froze her by accident once, but she seems to forget that because she’s an idiot.
- Elsa and Anna’s parents are required to die in a horrible accident because this is a Disney movie. Elsa is older, smarter, wiser, and capable of functioning so she gets to be queen while Anna will rightfully never hold the throne, but she’s fine with that because she’s a simple minded idiot who just wants find a guy who will pretend to love her.
- On the day of Elsa’s coronation she was nervous that she’d accidentally freeze someone to death, because once again, Elsa is a great person who thinks about other people. She went to great lengths to make sure she kept her heart rate under control, knowing that stress is what triggers her into being a wrecking ball.
- Anna, on the other hand, had no f***s to give to anyone but herself. Some diabolical douchecanoe named Hanz was at the ceremony for Elsa and was trying to bang his way into a place he’s never been to and become king, by finding the dumbest woman possible to manipulate. He was planning on Elsa herself, but then he heard Anna talk for five seconds and he realized she was a free lunch.
- Anna and Hanz sang a song, he flirted with her a little, and that was literally all he needed to do to get her to not only let him in her pants, but to commit to spend the rest of her life with him.
- Anna selfishly makes Elsa’s big day all about her by telling Elsa that she’s marrying a complete stranger. Because Elsa isn’t an idiot like her kid sister, she wisely tells Anna what a terrible idea this is and refuses to give her blessing. Anna doesn’t relent on her mission to ruin the biggest day of Elsa’s life, knowing that Elsa has a disability that can kill everyone if she’s provoked.
- Elsa tries to leave but Anna follows her, triggering Elsa’s powers to freeze everything, and instead of staying and claiming her rightful throne as queen, she runs away to the mountain to live in isolation so that she can’t hurt anyone. Because Elsa is selfless.
- Anna goes to find Elsa on her own because she’s so stupid that she thinks she can survive winter armageddon on her own.
- She realizes what a huge mistake this was but then sees another guy named Kristoff. Kristoff is an orphaned, hard working, self made, entrepreneurial, genuinely nice guy, so naturally Anna has no interest in him because she’s into captain cuckhold. But that sure as hell wasn’t gonna stop her from making him think he had a chance of getting with her so that she could get a free ride in his brand new sled, which he just paid off, and doesn’t have insurance for.
- Kristoff stands up to her when some juiced out Danish dude tries ripping them off, and gets thrown outside into the snow like trash for it. It’s late, Kristoff wants to go to bed, and he was lucky enough to find a place that was free and had heat. Anna ruins this by forcing him to leave immediately on no sleep, because she’s a princess with a death sentence who doesn’t think about anyone but herself.
- On the way to the mountain Anna and Kristoff nearly get eaten by wolves and almost fall off a cliff. Kristoff’s state of the art sled, literally his entire livelihood, blows up. Anna make no offer to reimburse him and instead demands they continue on this suicide journey.
- When they get to the castle Elsa tells Anna that she just wants to be left alone, which is why she moved to the middle of nowhere, built an ice castle, and hired an abominable snowman as muscle. Anna wants her to come home because the world revolves around her.
- Anna foolishly leaves the door unlocked which makes it easy for Olaf and Kristoff to walk in, knowing that the only thing that makes Elsa dangerous is stress that triggers her superpowers. Elsa accidentally unleashes her powers onto Anna, who totally deserved it.
- The rest of the movie is spent with Kristoff selflessly trying to save the life of a girl who looks down on him, treats him like a slave, and destroyed his only possession and means to make a living. He drops her off, presumably to be drilled by Hanz, without so much as a thank you from Anna.
- Anna thinks that she can fix everything by making out with Hanz, but since Hanz sees she’s dying he realizes he has no use for her and can blame her death on Elsa.
- Anna has to have it explained to her by a mutant snowman that Kristoff is in love with her, which was blatantly obvious to everyone but her because she’s a moron.
- Anna gets credit with being the hero at the end because she jumps in front of Elsa when Hanz is about to kill her, knowing that an act of true love will fix everything. Thus she knew there was no way she could die and she’d be treated like the savior even though she spent the entire movie messing everything up for everyone.
- Elsa buys Kristoff a new sled but Anna takes credit for it, even though she had nothing to do with it and the whole reason he needed a new sled is because she made him drive through the woods in the middle of the night instead of going to bed like a normal person.
We talk about that and many other ratchets from the week, as well as our weekly phone call with Amanda Sawyer and her brother Justin from the bathroom of an unnamed motel.
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