Politics

Democratic Debate Live Blog Round 58,000

 

Vote:

 

11:00 – Well that was fun. Thanks for joining us tonight turtle riders. We love you all.

 

10:57 – It wouldn’t be a democratic debate without some lunatics yelling shit and making fools of themselves. Guaranteed they’re all voting for Bernie.

 

10:52 – This is by far the best debate so far. You throw Bloomberg in there instead of useless slugs like Tom Steyer and shit got interesting real fast.

 

10:48 – Bernie basically just said that he’s gonna fuck shit up at the convention if he doesn’t get the nomination.

 

10:46 – Amy Klobuchar lecturing Mayor Pete is like your Mom reminding you how little you know when you come home from college after first semester.

 

10:43  – Mayor Pete now attacking Klobuchar for voting to make English the official language of an English-speaking country, ironically while speaking in English. What a pandering idiot. This is the “moderate” guy.

 

10:40 – Non-debate news – I just got an email from someone we all know threatening to sue me. It’s pretty wild.

 

10:34 – I know it’s kind of cliche at this point, but you have to say that Trump is once again winning this debate. I don’t see a reason to vote for any of these people.

 

10:32 – Oh Amy, you’re not going to take the Senate. Doug Jones has a 0.0% chance of winning that seat back in Alabama. Give it up.

 

10:28 – “The best known socialist in this country is a millionaire with 3 houses.” -Mike Bloomberg

Drag him!!

 

10:26 – Don’t let up Bloomberg – Bernie Sanders is a communist. He honeymooned in the Soviet Union. He wants government ownership of pretty much everything. Every single thing he says suggests that he is a communist.

 

10:24 – Line of the night from Bloomberg – “I cant think of a way that would make it easier for Donald Trump to get elected than to listen to this conversation.”

Truest words every spoken by a democrat.

 

10:22 – “I think that employee ownership of companies is a great idea” – Mayor Pete

Yes, and that idea is called communism. Worked out great.

 

10:19 – Bernie blaming Bloomberg for tax laws that the Senate signed off on is amazing. How on earth is that Bloomberg’s fault when Bernie’s job is to write and vote on tax plans?

 

10:15 – “I’m the only one here who started au audience” – Bloomberg

(Audience groans)

There’s nothing these people hate more than self made businesses. They want people dependent on them for EVERYTHING!

 

10:12 – Democrats can take any political issue and find a way to twist it so that it hurts people of color. They love to infantilize black and brown people as helpless and desperately in need of rich white millionaires like themselves to fix their problems. Seems kind of racist.

 

10:10 – To see why Trump will win, watch this debate, and then watch a Trump rally. One if filled with negativity and doomsday prophecies, the other is filled with optimism and love for country.

 

10:08 – “They know me” – Joe Biden in regards to foreign countries and climate change

Bruh, you got your reject son a job at an oil company in the Ukraine. Of course they know you. Maybe don’t emphasize that? Just a thought.

 

10:05 – “Why can’t we get anything passed on climate change in Washington?” – Pocahontas

Well, because elections have consequences and Republicans control the Senate. Try winning next time.

 

10:01 – “Hey Pocahontas, a lot of people are concerned here that your climate change plan is gonna put a lot of miners out of work. What’s up with that?”

“Look, fuck all those people.”

 

10:00 – Both my grandfathers were around Joe Biden’s age when they passed. At that point you didn’t take anything they said seriously. I couldn’t imagine anyone that old every being allowed to run the free world.

 

9:58 – Little known fact – no one actually cares about climate change. It’s hot in Las Vegas because Las Vegas in a place called a “desert.”

 

9:53 – Commercial break and then we get to talk about the issue every American wakes up thinking about every day – CLIMATE CHANGE!!! Get ready for some doomsday prophecies.

 

9:51 – Pocahontas coming to the defense of Klobuchar. Classic. Now they have to pretend to like each other before she attacks her and they go back to hating each other. There’s nothing two women hate more than pretending to get along.

 

9:49 – Amy Klobuchar is being grilled about not knowing who the President of Mexico is. Who gives a flying fuck? Mexico is a fake, lawless country that exists for spring break. There are no rules and everyone is corrupt or on drugs. Whoever the President is should be embarrassed and ashamed.

 

9:47 – Think of what they’re talking about right now. For the last 10 minutes they’ve been debating non-disclosure agreements. Picture anyone in Michigan giving a shit about that and using it to decide who to vote for.

 

9:45 – Joe Biden simply cannot talk to human beings without touching them. What the fuck is wrong with this guy?

 

9:44 – Good Lord, Bloomberg has no fucking clue how to debate. This is painful. Don’t go on the defensive you fucking idiot. I’m personally a fan of what’s happening right now because I think he’s the biggest threat to Donald Trump. Destroy him queen!

 

9:42 – Bloomberg being questioned about sexually suggestive comments he made as CEO. Never apologize. Just say you were talking about Rosie O’Donnell and move on.

 

9:41 – “All these idiots have wasted time campaigning for the last year. Why didn’t they just spend a billion dollars on YouTube ads?” – Bloomberg

 

9:36 – “Bernie, we are glad that you are somehow still alive.” – Mayor Pete

He really is so old though. Mayor Pete should continue this line of attack. I don’t think 78 year olds should be allowed to drive, so why should they be allowed to run the country?

 

9:34 – The real question I wanna know from Amy Klobuchar’s state is, when are we investigating Ilhan Omar for immigration fraud? She married her brother in order to defraud our immigration system. It’s plainly obvious.

 

9:32 – Pocahontas literally just proved my point. She said his apology wasn’t good enough and that he hates black and brown people.

 

9:31 – Never ask for forgiveness Bloomberg. Hasn’t Trump taught these people anything? Democrats prey on people who apologize for shit. They are vicious when they smell blood.

 

9:30 – All Bloomberg has to say about stop and frisk is simple – it was used to protect black and brown neighborhoods. Law abiding people were made safer because of it. Say you did it because you care about black people and everyone else hates black people. Simple.

 

9:28 – Bloomberg is not happy that he couldn’t just have a commercial play instead of having to actually speak to human beings.

 

9:27 – There is no way that story that Pocahontas just told was real. Nothing she says is real. There was no family of three people who all share the same insulin who she just met in Reno. That is not a thing that happens. She has an anecdote for EVERYTHING, and they always conveniently conform to her narrative.

 

9:26 – Pocahontas is being such a chick tonight. She knows she can’t win so she’s gonna burn everyone else on the way out.

 

9:24 – Imagine being a grownup and believing that Bernie Sanders is really gonna give you all the free shit he says he is? People actually believe this? And we’re just gonna tax the rich to pay for it all? Rich people are masters at manipulating whatever tax law you pass so the government gets the least amount possible. If your strategy to pay for free shit is to tax the rich then you don’t have a strategy.

 

9:20 – “Heatlhcare is a crisis in this country.” – Pocahontas

Wasn’t Obama supposed to fix this? Why is everything a crisis with these people?

 

9:18 – Bloomberg is winning this debate so far hands down. He’s surrounded by 5 raving lunatics yelling about the same old shit. He’s just standing there as they all take turns shitting on him. He’s the story here. They all fear him.

 

9:16 – “Hey look at me, I have a vajina” – Amy Klobuchar

 

9:12 – Why is Pocahontas still in this election? She has absolutely no chance whatsoever. All of the other 5 candidates have SOME WAY to get the nomination, albeit unlikely for Biden and Klobuchar. But she is the only one with NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER.

 

9:09 – This is easily the best debate so far. Holy shit, they really hate each other. Gonna be a fun night.

 

9:08 – It’s really amazing that these 78 year old me can stay up this late. I can barely stay awake past 10-11. These guys must be all hopped up on addies.

 

9:06 – Jesus Christ, Amy Klobuchar is about to throw a shoe at this mother fucker. If Bloomberg gets the nomination how do they all just forget what is happening on the stage right now?

 

9:05 – We’re two minutes into this debate and Pocahontas and Bernie are absolutely going in on Michael Bloomberg. I had no idea he called women those horrible things. But was it Rose O’Donnell he was referring to?

 

9:04 – “I don’t think there’s any chance of Senator Sanders beating President Trump.” – Michael Bloomberg.

I mean, he’s not wrong.

 

9:02 – If Bernie Sanders doesn’t destroy Mike Bloomberg tonight for literally buying his way onto the state tonight then he’s a bigger pussy than I thought he was.

 

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