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Follicly Challenged Father Runs Over Then Assaults 71 Year Old Crossing Guard At Child’s School, Says Victim Looked 45 And Was Jacked


We’ve all been temporarily delayed and inconvenienced by traffic caused by children going to school. Most of us have learned to be patient and deal with it in the name of safety, but one parent from Thompson, CT had different plans last week.

Evidently this upstanding gentlemen was in such a rush to get home and festoon in his own carbon emissions that the safety of the children who go to school with his own son became secondary to his need to not be patient. Again, this is his son’s school. He was literally in the driveway after dropping the kid off. His son now has to suffer the added humiliation of having the Dad who appeared on both WINY Radio and Turtleboy in the same week. Poor kid.

But it wasn’t enough to simply run over an elderly retired firefighter; he had to finish him off Mortal Kombat style by getting out of the car and assaulting the guy he just hit with his vehicle. Again, in front of his own son.

Of course he was arrested for this and had several hours to contemplate what he had just done before getting bailed out, and rather than showing contrition he elected to do this.

It’s OK because he thought the crossing guard was 45. Big misunderstanding. You’re allowed to run over crossing guards so long as they haven’t reached retirement age yet. And he had no choice but to get out of the car and assault him afterwards because the elderly crossing guard, “looked jacked.” Who wouldn’t poop their pants at the sight of this man?


Also, fake news. Police press releases are now fake news.

Of course he threw the ol’ “I hate Donald Trump” in there as a desperate Hail Mary to distract everyone by bringing up the only person in America who’s more controversial than a man who runs over elderly crossing guards. In other words, isn’t the least bit remorseful and thus fully deserving of this public shaming.


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