I can proudly say I’ve never been to the Holyoke Mall, nor do I have any desire to after seeing a video posted on Facebook this week of two welfare armadillos settling their differences the Holyoke way.
Let’s go to the tale of the tape for the breakdown.
The video begins with the Footlocker Fartbox marching confidently towards the Gravity Gorilla as the Pink Pandejo hurls various objects in their general direction.
Security briefly tried to intervene, but seeing as he didn’t feel like getting crushed to death he death he wisely stepped aside.
He and his coworker quickly began to discuss what to do as the two continental forklifts began to throw down.
The official consensus they reached was “f*** it, we don’t get paid enough for this shit,” so they threw their hands up and joined everyone else in watching the Holyoke Nat Geo documentary unfold in front of them.
This is one of those rare times where you see a ratchet chick fight where they actually fight. Most of the time it’s just a bunch of hoodrat helicopter hair pulling, but the Gravity Gorilla was getting some serious blows in to the Footlocker Fartbox’s dome piece.
Eventually the Footlocker Fartbox realized she was in big trouble and decided to do a fullback fupa dive right into the Gravity Gorilla’s midsection.
This allowed her to gain some leverage and get in some shots of her own.
After a while it was clear that the Fupa Mario sisters were stuck in a stalemate, so a brave man, who for some reason was wearing crocs and sweatpants in January, jumped in and attempted to separate them.
Anyone know how to untie a sheepshank?
The Footlocker Fartbox looks like she went right back to work, as spending her 15 minute break brawling over who stole whose food stamps is likely a common occurrence for her. Meanwhile, the Gravity Gorilla just wanted to get her Obamaphone and Pokemons back.
And they all just kind of went on their merry way without the police getting called or anyone getting arrested, as if this was some sort of normal Tuesday afternoon trip to the mall. Because in Holyoke, it is.