If you haven’t seen the 2017 clip of Joe Biden speaking to a bunch of black kids at a Wilmington, DE pool he used to lifeguard at in the 60’s that was being named after him, I highly suggest you take two minutes out of your day to watch it along with me, because it’s hilarious.
This is what would happen if Abe Simpson ran for President in real life. I don’t even care if it’s all real, it’s still the greatest story of all time. Just to review:
- Joe Biden got a job as a lifeguard in an African-American neighborhood so he could “learn” about the black community
- As the lone white employee he was immediately tested by a member of the local gang “The Romans” – their fearless leader Corn Pop – a “bad dude who ran a bunch of bad boys,” who had no intention of following pool safety rules
- One of the rules was that people who wore pomade in their hair had to wear bathing caps, but since Corn Pop was a renegade he didn’t follow rules, especially when enforced by white lifeguards
- Joe told Corn Pop to get off the diving board or he’d drag him off, presumably because Joe knew he was being tested and had to make it clear that he wouldn’t be pushed around for being the token gringo
- However, Joe called him the most offensive thing you could call a black man in Delaware in 1962 – “Esther.” And of course the kids watching that were supposed to understand, without him explaining it, that this was a reference to legendary swimmer and actress Esther Williams
- Since everyone knew that Corn Pop don’t play Corn Pop told Sleepy Joe to meet him outside, but Corn Pop brought three friends with him
- Luckily wise Bill Wright, the only other white guy at the pool, showed up to check the chlorine levels in the pool and gave Joe some much needed advice
- Bill Wright took the chain, which for some reason was stretched across the pool, cut off a portion of it, gave it to Joe Biden and told him to hit Corn Pop or choke him with it if Corn Pop tried to slice him
- Joe said that Corn Pop’s friends all came equipped with razors to stab him with, and that “back in those days” people like Corn Pop took razors and soaked them in the rain so that they’d be extra rusty before they cut you
- Joe Biden, foreshadowing his own reasoned but firm foreign diplomacy 50 years later, told Corn Pop that he wasn’t allowed on the diving board without a swimming cap on, but swallowed his pride and apologized for calling him Esther Williams – the ultimate low blow in 1962
- The gamble paid off as Corn Pop and his street toughs not only put their razors away and officially granted him protected white boy status for the rest of the summer, presumably because they respected his tough but fair policy towards pool rules
Here’s the best part though – Corn Pop was real!!
Say what you want about Joe Biden, but he’s a million times more honest than Charlie Baker or Elizabeth Warren.
— Tim Furlong (@tfurlong) June 26, 2017
— Tim Furlong (@tfurlong) June 26, 2017
The funny part about this is that it’s almost the exact same story from my lifeguarding days in Worcester, just without the chains. I used to lifeguard at Beaver Brook in Worcester, which had some rough characters who spent seven hours a day annoying us at the three foot pool, but ultimately were harmless. However, when other pools had shortages they’d move you around, and one day I got the call for Great Brook Valley. This was the only pool that didn’t allow female lifeguards because it was too dangerous. I got there and the guards were all sitting together instead of spreading out, which they told me was done because they’d get thrown in if they sat together.
Then Angel showed up. He was Worcester’s 2003, 14 year old version of Corn Pop. And Angel saw fresh meat when my blonde haired, blue eyed self showed up. He immediately named me “cowboy,” convinced me to stand up to see something in the pool, and pushed me in. Unfortunately I’m no Joe Biden, and I was unable to broker a summer friendship out of the incident. But I feel like Sleepy Joe and I are spirit animals now.
Anyway, Joe Biden is the most unintentionally hilarious politician in history. This was not designed to be funny, but it was. Corn Pop. Fucking Corn Pop. You can’t write material like that.
The idea of Sleepy Joe squaring off with Trump in a debate gets me aroused. If he thinks Corn Pop was tough, wait till he sees Trump in action. Unlike Corn Pop the President has no intention of making up and getting along, so Sleepy Joe best bring his chain with him unless he wants to get cut by a rusty razor blade.
Now I don't know how it works where you live, but in my hood, you don't actually get a laminated street credential card from the neighborhood thug council but, then again, I've never been on the mean streets of Wilmington.
— Michael Harriot (@michaelharriot) September 14, 2019
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