Students at Mount Holyoke College in South Hadley received the following email this week to “alert” them to the fact that the Western Mass Police Academy would be having their graduation ceremony on campus this Friday:
The mere fact that college administrators need to include the phrase “there is no need to be alarmed” is everything that is wrong with college campuses today. Yes, those mean scary guys who are signing up to protect you from anarchy and rampant criminality will be on your campus. The horror.
This has not gone over well with many in the rabidly woke feminist student body, and this flier began circulating around campus.
A “known paramilitary organization with a documented history of white supremacist and patriarchal violence,” also known as the police. Obviously then this graduation exercise poses a grave threat to students of color and undocumented BLT-123’s who will likely get shot and die while updating their Instagram profiles. Oh, and the disabled too. Cops love to shoot people in wheelchairs in particular, especially when they’re gender non-conforming. Moving targets are much harder.
THIS IS REASON TO BE ALARMED!!!
Family members may come armed with flowers, and Grandma might bring a card with a savings bond inside. Just look at these blood thirsty mercenaries of the state:
They may even come armed with French Toast! Stay woke.
Luckily there is a plan to combat the horrors of this deadly graduation. This is Avery Elizabeth:
As you can tell from her haircut and denim jacket covered in buttons, she is sick of your white cishetero patriarchal bullshit. She’s in a closed Facebook group that I covertly joined by creating a fake Facebook profile, pretending to be a woke college coed. The group of course is called…..
Here’s the plan guys….
Alright, so the end goal is “fuck shit up.” How are we going to accomplish this mission?
Top secret meeting in the common room. I’m sensing a lot of witty cardboard sign ideas, perhaps some whistles, organized four syllable chants they can use to scream at people, and lots of different ways to call strangers racist.
At a college like Mount Holyoke there is a lot of pressure to go along with this insanity. It’s basically a gang, except instead of having to shoot a rival gang member in order to get in you have to bring a baked good made out of kale and document how you checked your white privilege this week. So it’s brave when someone attempts to inject some sort of sanity into the conversation like Mary here:
Cops are people too? Girl, that’s just your unconscious bias talking. We’re gonna have to get you some bias training stat!
Avery Elizabeth Mary Di Buono I’m not saying your friend is an awful person. However, the police force, as a body, is a problem and does not support communities. Anyone who decides to join and support a group that systematically oppresses and kills minorities is complicit in that system, implicitly condoning its actions, and can and should expect resistance and pushback. There are so many other options that are actually productive for building community and protecting people.
It’s true. If you want to become a cop because you want to make the world a better place, or even reform an institution that you believe has flaws, you’re basically Hitler. It means you want young black kids to be killed for no reason, and you deserve to get a right hand hook from Hurricane Avery.
She has backup from Gwenna Emerson.
A ride or die social justice warrior, who doesn’t mess around when it comes to Planned Parenthood.
Luckily for her that odds that she’ll ever need Planned Parenthood’s services are slim to none.
According to her “cops are awful people.” And she would know because she’s from the mean streets of the most diverse town in Massachusetts – Newburyport.
So she’s well versed in police brutality and read about people of color on the Huffington Post a couple times. Her childhood was very traumatic:
“We learn something new every time we come, like how to open clams,” said Gwenna Emerson, of Newburyport.
If she’s good at opening clams then Mount Holyoke is definitely the school for her. Just sayin.
Poor Mary once again tried to play the “I see what you’re saying, but…” game, which usually only makes these sorts of people say crazier things:
It’s true. Signing up to become a town cop in Wilbraham is basically the same exact thing as joining the “Nazi army” in the 1940’s. Because everything today is directly relatable to Nazi Germany. Every single one of those cops who agreed to sign up for 35 years of handing out speeding tickets to people on their way home from the Big E wants to murder black people. So please, save your whitesplaining for Whole Foods.
Also, when cops aren’t killing brown people for sport they’re ruining the lives of drug dealers who were about to back to community college and open their own barbershop.
Gwenna Emerson Hannah Finn-Erb you know what’s insensitive? Killing unarmed black people and shooting people’s dogs 🤷♀️ the point is that the police system in the United States is irreparable because it was created to do the racist and unjust things it does. Everyone who signs up is signing up to be part of that. A “procedurally correct” and “unbiased” arrest of someone using drugs is still going to ruin that persons life when we could help them instead and focus on the issues that have them using drugs in the first place.
Elyse Tunkeltwat is down for the cause too:
Why wouldn’t she be? After all, this is a woman who once single handedly saved France from ISIS by using a Facebook filter.
Finally the army to “fuck shit up” at graduation on Friday includes Kathryn Hernandez from California.
When she’s not recreating It’s Pat, she’s usually fighting white supremacy by calling cops wife and children beaters, and pointing out that there are no good police officers.
It’s true. When police aren’t killing innocent black people for target practice you can often find them kicking the shit out of their own children and backhanding their wives for watching Rachel Maddow when they thought he wasn’t home.
As you can see, she’s a proud member of the BLT-123 community. But even within that community she has to find a way to put herself higher on the oppression scale:
The only people more oppressed than her are transgender lesbians of color. Which I’m pretty sure means black guys who like chicks. Also known as heterosexual males in drag.
As of this moment I am unaware of exactly what their plans are to disrupt this graduation ceremony, and by the time you read this they will likely realize that a mole has infiltrated their group. This is not the first time I’ve done this though, and I know how this story ends. Next comes the purge. The leaders of the group will start wildly accusing people of being the mole. They’ll go through all of the members and question their loyalty. Mary will be first to go because she said rational things a couple times, but they won’t stop there. Usually they come for the quiet people who don’t post last, which is weird because those are always the moles. Always.
In Solidarity, Uncle Turtleboy.
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