New Hampshire Man Charged With Beastiality After Using Rover.com To Meet Bitches 

 

This is Robert Ofenloch from Andover, NH.

He’s a 33 year old man who writes for something called the Andover Beacon, and appears to have lived with his grandmother (according to this story he published on the Beacon 9 years ago) who he partners with for musical variety shows.

So obviously he’s just swimming in chicks.

But the problem with being such a lady’s man is you get bored with women who only have 2 legs and thumbs, so you have to experiment with new bitches. Literally.

This dude gets all the tail! Who needs a cooch when you’ve got a pooch?

“Evidence was recovered that Ofenloch was allegedly engaging in sexual contact and sexual penetration with animals for the purpose of sexual gratification.”

Well, yea, of course it was for sexual gratification. Why else would he be banging an animal? To save the rainforest?

Ya know who the real loser in this story is? Mr. Mutt Slut’s girlfriend.

That’s gotta be the lowest feeling in the world. Every time he tried giving her the Lassie Kilbassie he was thinking “I wish you barked and didn’t live past the age of 14.” It’s one thing getting dumped for another woman, but why does his mistress have to be such a bitch?

And how did they find evidence of him banging animals on Rover.com? I figured it was some sort of revenge porn site for animals, but when I got there all I found was this:

Dude signed up to watch other people’s pets just so he could give them the Epstein special. But then he got Metoo’d by the Paw Patrol when he took it a step too far, videotaped it, and presumably put it online. At least that’s my understanding of what happened. Not quite sure what “video evidence” on his Rover.com profile could mean.

Safe to say the reviews for Mr. Mutt Slut won’t be quite as positive as these:

There’s really no coming back from a crime like this. That guy in Fitchburg whose wife walked in on him banging his Mom a few years ago has less explaining to do than Mr. Mutt Slut. His only option at this point is to move to South Korea where Netflix and Grill (eating the dogs after banging them) isn’t frowned upon.