Ratchet Madness 2022 Round 1: Fupasloth Region


Here are your 8 ratchets who have advanced to the second round of Turtleboy Ratchet Madness in the Didi region.

This was by far the most competitive region so far, and the first time in Ratchet Madness history where a ratchet advanced by just 1 vote. Every vote matters folks!

Now it’s time for the final bracket – the Fupasloth Region. We’ve

1. Dasha Kelly vs. 16. Bridgewater Butter Queen

1. Dasha Kelly

  • Pretended that she was the mother of another woman’s 3 kids in order to go on CNN and scam people with a $225K GoFundeMe
  • Lied about being unemployed due to COVID in order to pressure the federal government to extend the eviction moratorium
  • Failed to mention that she lives with an able bodied deadbeat who she made leave the apartment when CNN showed up
  • Revealed to have had multiple evictions and twice tried and failed to sue the casino that fired her
  • After getting caught GoFundMe offered to return money to all donors and she ended up getting sued
  • Said that it was OK because she “feels like the mom” despite just being the chick who the baby daddy is currently shacking up with
  • Began going on bizarre YouTube channels where she magically turned into the ratchet she always was by shitting on the real mother of the kids she pretended were hers




16. Bridgewater Butter Queen

  • Suddenly realized at 35 weeks pregnant that she needed to plan for having a baby so she started a $2,200 GoFundME to buy a new car
  • Lives with a gainfully employed, able bodied man
  • Hobbies include artsy softcore goth porn time in the woods
  • Expressed her anger at a Facebook Mommy group for removing her GoFundMe because another mom with a sick kid was allowed to share her GFM




8. Cranston Crank Skank vs. 9. Grafton Gherkin Gobbler

8. Cranston Crank Skank

  • Wrote a negative review on a restaurant’s Facebook page alleging racism on a recent visit there, which led to mob backlash and the restaurant taking down their page
  • Story was not even remotely close to being believable
  • Previous Facebook posts called police animals and encouraged BLM rioting
  • First thing that comes up when you Google her name is her 2019 arrest for prostitution
  • Also has Google trophies for hit and run resulting in serious bodily injury, driving with suspended license (a whole bunch of these), DUI, Felony Assault and Battery, Disturbing conduct, Violation of No Contact order, Breaking and entering, and Vandalism in 7 different towns in Rhode Island
  • Waitress showed up on her viral post to tell the truth that she  was a horrible and rude customer who sent food back, couldn’t see the owner inside looking at them, demanded she get all the food she ordered for free, screamed at the owner at the top of her lungs to try to get a free meal out of it while shoving her hand in his face, caused a huge scene, threw $50 at them for a $100 bill, and the part about touching the hair was completely made up


9. Grafton Gherkin Gobbler

  • Is a white girl named Lakesha
  • Lacks custody of her children and all of her best family pics are in the DCF visitor’s room
  • Claims to want her kids back but is doing the polar opposite of what you would be doing if you wanted them back
  • Shacking up with face tattooed, chinstrapped, Hennessy drinking junkie rapper with Google trophies
  • Posts extremely ratchet things on Facebook about missing doses at the clinic, bragging about how she sends pictures to ex-boyfriends with her new man’s pee-pee in her mouth
  • Complained that she doesn’t get enough sex constantly
  • Boasted that the n word stuffing her at the time said that her ass wasn’t big enough and that she gave subpar felatio, but said this was a contradiction because he would explode orally in 23 seconds or less
  • Left the shelter to get laid by him but when she went to pick him up he was hooking up with her Mom
  • Says that if you use condoms on her she only will allow “name brand shit”




4. Hyde Park Punani Porch Pirate vs. 13. Christine Lazy Ford

4. Hyde Park Punani Porch Pirate

  • Caught on Ring cameras going around stealing Amazon packages in Boston
  • Identified as a deadbeat teen Mom who sells cocaine and has been robbing people for years
  • Mom who defended her honor on Facebook sells webcam videos pleasuring herself and appears to be about 12 years older than her daughter
  • Mom passed on the family trade to her daughter, who also does the same



13. Christine Lazy Ford

  • Recovering junkie Mom asking for free Christmas gifts in yard sale pages in early October, despite living with an able bodied man in Section 8 housing
  • Named daughter Braylynne
  • Had to post in South Shore yard sale groups because she was banned from North Shore and New Hampshire pages
  • Set up a baby registry (for a 6 year old) and asked strangers to donate to it
  • Seems to believe she’s disadvantaged because she’s the only mother to face the conundrum of paying for both rent and Christmas
  • Wish list was her favorite 230 things, and included many gifts of over $30
  • Gave excuses about why she couldn’t take advantage of the plethora of programs designed for families like hers because she just wanted people to give her money
  • Too busy to get a job because she has a Scentsy’s account and is currently occupying the bottom brick of the pyramid scheme made for unemployed housewives
  • Can’t afford Christmas gifts but has plenty of money to blow on hair coloring that comes out wrong




5. Huntington Gropey Groomers vs. 12. Gardner Grundle Gremlin

5. Huntington Gropey Groomers

  • Dad got arrested for trying to lure a minor to have sex with him while on a family camping trip in New York
  • Exhibited bizarre behavior towards teen daughter, including snuggling together and whipping her while wearing leather chaps at a Halloween party
  • Was a volunteer firefighter in Huntington and allowed his Confederate loving teen daughter start dating another creepy Huntington firefighter who proposed to her in front of friends and family
  • Facebook pictures of the couple are incredibly creepy, posted well before she turned 18, and became Facebook official on her 18th birthday
  • Pedo father of the bride posted his support on his grooming friend’s Facebook page when he was being accused of being a creepy diddler


12. Gardner Grundle Gremlin

  • Posted on the Discussing Fitchburg Now Facebook page asking for help because her fiance violated his parole and was sent back to prison unjustly
  • Boyfriend had just got out of jail in June and they were engaged 2 months later with a wrist tattoo instead of a ring
  • Was in jail for armed home invasion charge while on probation for an armed robbery and A&B charge because the skank he was giving it to that week had an ex-boyfriend who was speaking ill of her
  • Immediately began selling drugs as soon as he got out of jail and was allowed around her child
  • She justified his actions because he was only 22 when he did it, but now was a wise 26 and has moved on to selling crack cocaine during his 3 month periods of freedom
  • Claims he didn’t commit a crime by violating parole and that the real criminal was the judge
  • Was previously blogged about on Turtleboy in 2018 after she falsely accused her landlord of trying to extort sex out of her in exchange for free rent on the Discussing Ftichburg Now Facebook page
  • Was complaining that the DCF Fairy stole her two offspring (one of whom was named after bottled water), but she was taking parenting classes to get them back
  • Three and a half years later she’s still taking all her family pictures in the DCF visitor’s room




3. Captain Coochie Camper vs. 14. DUI Facebook Live Mom

3. Captain Coochie Camper

  • Cross dressing, drug fueled psychopath who drives around with his former MMA girlfriend turned crackhead filming amateur pornography in their camper
  • Met current girlfriend in a mental hospital or rehab, he can’t remember
  • Filmed himself peeing on her, then got her a job working as a day shift stripper in Salisbury
  • Alarmed several women in the community when he pulled up to them at gas stations and attempted to solicit them for threesomes in the camper
  • One of these women was a 17 year old
  • Says he can have any woman he wants, so he charges people to be their coach and teach them how to pick up women with whatever 10 he’s currently dating
  • Isn’t allowed anywhere near his own daughters because of sexual abuse allegations
  • Films himself walking around naked on Facebook Live
  • Forces girlfriend, who also abandoned her kids, to get “property of Scott Nadeau” and “Scott’s sex slave” tattooed on body
  • Went out looking for pineapples and tried to pick up another couple at a gas station but they didn’t appreciate that and allegedly threatened him, so he got in his car and chased them on the highway before the Bow NH Police told him to stand down
  • Forced drug addicted “wife” to fight a homeless guy on the beach for money, who got extremely rapey when the man began pulling her pants down and spanking her in public
  • Recently violated a restraining order by contacting a woman through a third party and claiming that he needed to speak to her because he had discovered the cure for cancer
  • Likes to go to the hospital a lot where he films healthcare workers without their consent
  • Came on the Live Show and attempted to perform sexually before we had to cut him off



14. DUI Facebook Live Mom

  • Degenerate transient who has lived in Lynn, Malden, Medford, Milton, Dorchester, Hyde Park, Fitchburg, and Winchendon
  • Posted her prison ID on Instagram like a badge of honor
  • Posted a 30 minute video of herself driving home in her car while completely shitfaced, pounding booze, ripping butts, and showing off the crevices in what is left of her teeth
  • Washed down Fireball with a warm bud light while she told her Facebook followers how she was going canning, and how the guy who’s brave enough to engage in consensual sex with her recently had a friend die from a drug overdose
  • Said it was OK because she was coming home from work and close to home
  • Complained about how her 14 year old kid grows weed and leaves roaches in the house, how COVID caused canker sores, and how she was drunk at the beach earlier in the day with her daughter




6. Ashley St. Angelo vs. 11. Cardi Wannabe Black

6. Ashley St. Angelo

  • Transgender dude blogged about in 2020 after his missing teen daughter posted on Facebook that she had runaway from him because he’s abusive
  • Immediately tried to profit off her disappearance with a GoFundMe
  • Constantly in trouble with the law and once tried jumping off a bridge for attention and pity
  • Attempted to get us to take the blog down by smearing his children as liars
  • Filed for restraining order after we refused, which was granted by tyrant judge in Providence
  • Began harassing and stalking my family at home and work
  • Had restraining order taken out against him in Leominster District Court, which he violated and had a warrant out for his arrest
  • Ended up being arrested by East Providence Police and is currently facing charges in Fitchburg
  • House ended up becoming condemned by animal control after deplorable conditions were discovered



11. Cardi Wannabe Black

  • Grew up on a horse farm in Fairhaven but seems to believes she’s ghetto fabulous because she has a fat ass
  • Is an aspiring rapper with such hits as “Freaks Only Fits,” shout outside a glamorous gas station, “Monogamous,” the story of Cardi Wannabe Black’s never ending quest for climax in low income housing, and “BAG$,” a softcore pornographic explanation of how she uses her accountant to launder her drug proceeds, makes tens of thousands of dollars in unemployment, and shakes her booty on random fences with overgrown shrubbery
  • Also does Tik Tok, which she started at the beginning of quarantine when she announced that she would be stripping in her window
  • Said she fears getting a job and has really enjoyed the pandemic because she’s been able to collect the whole time
  • Legitimately believes she is black because the guy she was having sex with at the time was black, so she made a viral Tik Tok called “If I were black,” that she has since pulled down after getting more than 7 million views, due to the backlash from actual black people
  • Said she couldn’t believe all the hate she was getting from the “beautiful melanin people”
  • In order to prove that she was indeed black, Katie filmed herself in dreads with her allegedly black grandma, who apparently is equally as ratchet as her, saying “black is beautiful baby, but white is dyno-mite”
  • Claims to be a pharmacist working on doctorate, and stated that “none of y’all had ever had to beat a mother f***ing case, been watched by under covers, got kicked out of school, and still got their doctorate while remaining hard”
  • Solidified blackness by using blackcent, putting hair in dreadlocks, making seasoned chicken videos, and announcing that she only dates dark skinned black men
  • Announced that she moved to an unidentified “white ass town” outside of Worcester, where she met a guy named Dayshawn at the corner store, who she then smoked a blunt with because as an imaginary black person she identifies with other imaginary black people with stereotypical black names
  • Admitted she wasn’t African-American but said she was Portuguese, which counted as black
  • Mocks white people and does white people voice, which is actually her real voice
  • Came on the Live Show, doubled down on everything, and ate a sandwich while chewing with mouth open




7. Mansfield Bovine Barbie vs. 10. Hangry Hingham Hoochy Momma 

7. Mansfield Bovine Barbie

  • Said she would leave the $10 in the mailbox for baby swing on Facebook marketplace, ended up leaving $2 instead, but promised to pay back the other $8 before blocking the woman she got it from
  • Responded with a post of her own, threatening to smack the OP with $8
  • Despite not being able to pay $10 for a swing she was living it up on Facebook, getting her nails done and eating “bomb crab legs”
  • Salivated over burger on two pieces of Wonderbread with government cheese, and claimed it was the greatest thing she ever ate because it was the “size of a f***ing tire”
  • Posted bizarre picture with no pants on in living room, arm around crackhead who can’t keep eyes open, with her child directly in front of fupa
  • Crackhead boyfriend she allows around her child has Google trophies ranging from assault and battery, domestic violence, larceny, and violation of restraining orders
  • Multiple evictions
  • Came on the Live Show and stood inches from the camera the entire time while defending her honor


10. Hangry Hingham Hoochy Momma 

  • Self-proclaimed facial queen of the South Shore
  • Has a makeup business in Hingham that makes people look like Mimi Bobeck
  • Caught on film in a 2 on 1 fight in Mattapan biting a ratchet’s face while pummeling her into a snowbank
  • Did this while actively campaigning for best facials in the South Shore award




2. Braintree Senorita Snail Trail vs. 15. Linda McDonald

2. Braintree Senorita Snail Trail

  • Dorchester hood bunny who “got out the hood” and moved to Braintree with her litter of children
  • Went to drop off this morbidly obese and neglected offspring at school, but intended to confront administration, teachers, and students over “prejudism and racism”
  • Vowed to confront 6th graders on Facebook Live inside the school building: “These kids be walking around here like they have some type of whatever because they’re white. Well I’m gonna be that woman to be over here and make sure they don’t have that”
  • Confronted the school resource officer and principal in the main office and yelling the n word at the top of her lungs in front of children, before being removed from the building
  • Almost ran over the crossing guard and was parked in the bus lane
  • Called the principal a “white cracker,” before finding out that her car was going to be towed because her license was suspended
  • In front of her kids she repeatedly used racial slurs and vulgarity, and even interviewed them and coerced them to say that their schools were racist so they could get on Fox 25 News
  • Kept calling the principal the “bitch ass principal” in front of kids
  • Contemplated beating up a cop: “It would’ve been f***ed up if I had beat the shit out of that cop, right? Maybe I should just catch a whole new case and beat the f*** out that bitch!”
  • Forced kid to say he was being bullied, “Because you’re fat, right?”
  • “The only thing they can use against me is that my car isn’t insured and I don’t have my license.”
  • Went home for Round 4, which is 15 minutes of her swearing and complaining about how racist everyone is, and vowing to take over the suburbs with hoodrats
  • Said that her fat son was justified in assaulting another student while her feral four year child roamed around the house in a diaper
  • Promised to get arrested and go to jail in order to prove how much she cares about her kids
  • Older son was killed in gang activity that she involved him in
  • Vowed to ignore restraining order from school: “Telll me I can’t go back to the school? Well a bitch like me, I’m gonna go back to that school, and I’m gonna keep going back”
  • Stated that “Those slaves fought for us, so we can read and we can write,” even though she can do neither
  • Vowed to keep her kids home from school so they could “do their Google shit”



15. Linda McDonald

  • Bboomer who spends her time writing letters to the editor and posting every thought that goes through her head on social media
  • Accused Weymouth police officer Michael Chesna, who was shot with his own gun after a violent criminal threw a rock at his head, of being at fault in the subsequent murder of Vera Adams by the same criminal
  • Complained about the pension Cindy Chesna would receive as a result of her husband’s posthumous promotion, and accused her of defending and benefitting from a “patriarchal white supremacist system”
  • Whenever Chesna is honored by a police or fire department she always chimes in and accuses them of white supremacy
  • Complained that veterans and the children of firefighters who died in the line of duty get preference in hiring
  • Cheered on the termination of veteran state troopers for not allowing the government to inject them with an experimental vaccine that does nothing to stop the spread of COVID
  • Complained that Joe Biden would take time to honor soldiers who were killed by terrorists as a result of his own incompetence as commander in chief
  • Blamed police and firefighters for 9/11
  • Bemoaned the existence of Veteran’s Day because it honors veterans
  • Doesn’t like that cops and firefighters killed on September 11 are honored for their sacrifices




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