Ratchet Madness

Ratchet Madness 2023 Round 1: Laardvark Region



Here are your 8 ratchets who have advanced to the second round of Turtleboy Ratchet Madness in the Guttermuppet region.

I’ve never seen this many upsets in Ratchet Madness before. Perhaps I seeded them wrong. Let’s see what happens in the final bracket – the Laardvark Region. 


1. Councilor Crusty Creampie vs. 16. Frosty the Faux Man and Vicky Vulvarine

1. Councilor Crusty Creampie

  • BLM rioter who got elected to Boston City Council on a platform of abolishing police and replacing police details with ex-cons
  • Defended accused rapist friend Ricardo Arroyo and continued to promote his campaign for District Attorney after women came forward
  • Nearly started a riot by encouraging a mob to descend on City Hall to support her alleged rapist colleague
  • Claimed at a meeting that she gets daily threats calling her a “n***er whore,” which she was using in an attempt to silence the sister of another City Councilor on Twitter
  • Public records request for her emails showed that not once did she ever receive an email with either of those words
  • Lives in government subsidized housing that she no longer qualifies for due to the salary raise she voted to give herself
  • Has multiple evictions and still owes money to a lactation consultant on a 6 year old bill
  • Allowed herself to be filmed naked by a Boston teacher who bragged about just finishing anal sex with her while she combed her autistic son’s hair without pants on


16. Frosty the Faux Man and Vicky Vulvarine

  • Started a shitstorm on the Weymouth is Everything Facebook group by warning the public not to hire a woman named Kayla as a babysitter because she “literally destroyed” her family
  • Allowed speculation to go on in which Kayla was wrongly accused of sleeping with Vicky Vulvarine’s husband
  • Hired a complete stranger (Kayla) to watch her kids for 6 hours without so much as a simple background search
  • Vicky Vulvarine began confiding in babysitter about how her husband was abusive and their marriage was broken, which babysitter had no interest in hearing
  • On date night Vicky Vulvarine rang the doorbell at midnight, was let in, and tried locking out Frosty the Faux Man, who was covered in blood and both were drunk
  • Frosty the Faux Man gave babysitter ride home but then icky Vulvarine texted her at 5:30 AM scared shitless so babysitter called DCF
  • Babysitter was paid in money covered in blood
  • Both kids were removed from home and Vicky Vulvarine made defamatory Weymouth Facebook posts against babysitter for revenge because she blamed her for being responsible
  • Older posts in the group showed that they frequently hired strangers on FB to watch their kids
  • Vicky Vulvarine reportedly once threatened to jump out the window while holding her son, started smashing her head into a wall, and then stole all the phones in the house when the police were called
  • Vicky Vulvarine went to a mental hospital because husband she still chooses to be with said she was suicidal in order to take the kids from her
  • Frosty the Faux Man has plethora of Google trophies ranging from drug dealing to A&B domestic violence
  • Threatened to sue babysitter for deformation



8. Providence Boriqueef Mom vs. 9. Sit on my Face Sid

8. Providence Boriqueef Mom

  • Reproduced several times and has a litter of fatherless free lunchers
  • Live streamed herself drinking and driving on Facebook
  • Arrested in 2017 for a hit and run that injured a 15 year old girl
  • Had 27 criminal cases, including 14 warrants for her arrest, before and after the hit and run
  • Other charges include felony shoplifting, conspiracy, first degree robbery, kidnapping, felony assault and battery, using counterfeit money, and drug possession, has picked up charges in North Providence, Providence, Cranston, and Warwick, and is banned from Cranston Stop & Shop and Warwick Walmart
  • Lost her license a bunch of times, which does not even remotely act as a deterrent to prevent her from driving
  • Makes Facebook posts about loving her kids but had to be dragged to court by the sperm donor for child support
  • Allows 4 year old daughter to ride shotgun despite the fact that the seatbelt doesn’t even remotely come close to covering her body
  • Always gets court appointed attorney but has plenty of money to get her nails done and buy Apple watched and jewelry


9. Sit on my Face Sid

  • Wrestling enthusiast who lives in Chicopee and has been accused by dozens of women of sexually harassing them on Facebook, finding their phone numbers, refusing to take no for an answer, and then lashing out at them for refusing to sit on his face and receive a complementary tongue bath
  • After initial blog even more women came forward with allegations dating back to 2008 and was discovered that he uses an app to keep track of women who blocked him on social media, then finds them on alternative platforms to let them know that he knows what they did
  • Disappeared but then re-emerged even more aggressive than before, telling strange women he’s never met that he wants to worship them and let them sit on his face
  • Found woman’s phone number after she blocked him on Facebook and he began to text her, crying that she was “judging” him, then began emailing her after that



4. Rhonda Uganda vs. 13. PCP Paulie and Crystal Methuen

4. Rhonda Uganda 

  • Has more Google trophies than a transgender swimmer in the special olympics
  • Prior ratchet we blogged about called Mommy Montana started to message and call us, accusing us of speaking to a woman named Chris-love Davis (Rhonda Uganda), who she said was contacting us with lies using the account Ghanasia Davis
  • Rhonda Uganda is prolific Internet shit poster who likes to talk smack about someone named Fupa, who has a trans mom.
  • Rhonda Uganda messaged the page trying to get us to blog about Mommy Montana again
  • Claimed that she and Mommy Montana got into a “mutual fight” that was initiated by Mommy Montana, and that her and her cousin were being wrongly accused of a home invasion by the Shrewsbury Police Department
  • Shrewsbury Police had posted on July 20 about Rhonda Uganda being arrested for driving from Southbridge and bursting into Mommy Montana’s house with a knife to kick the shit out of her
  • Turns out she’s just a ratchet loan shark who came to collect her due
  • Rhonda Uganda messaged me this story from the courthouse while waiting arraignment, wanting to clear her name and the proof she had that she was in fact innocent were some still photos of her kicking the shit out of Mommy Montana – the opposite of innocent
  • Brought her 19 year old cousin with her to document and photograph her committing this crime
  • Claimed that that Mommy Montana set her up in an elaborate plot to make her lose custody of her kid because she had lost custody of her own kids, so she pretended to be Rhonda Uganda’s friend, then challenged her to a fight, and her baby daddy used the home invasion to get a TRO on her
  • Wanted us to blog about her scammer baby daddy too, as well as a woman named Shesha, who she accused of felating her ex-husband’s baloney pony
  • Shared messages from ex-husband’s new girlfriend bragging about how she was taking good care of his spam javelin
  • Ex-husband is a scammer with a vast array of Google trophies including A&B, shoplifting, A&B on a family member, larceny, unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, small claims losses, and an insurance fraud cause for telling MAPFRE that his Mercedes was hit while parked, when in fact he smashed into something
  • According to Rhoda Uganda, Mommy Montana was “extortion her,” offered several places to meet up and fight, and chose to do it in Shrewsbury
  • I asked for evidence but all she sent me was a conversation she had with Mommy Montana’s runaway daughter
  • Lost custody of her 5 year old kid over the incident and wanted to redeem herself by shaming the woman she beat up on Turtleboy
  • Charged with violating a restraining order against ex-husband when she left him a voicemail calling him a “bitch ass n word who was just like a female.”



13. PCP Paulie and Crystal Methuen

  • Went down to the Dollar Store in Lawrence to do a little shoplifting but ended up stealing a car that someone had left running
  • Unfortunately for PCP Paulie he found out after he stole it that there was a baby in the backseat so he got together with his girlfriend Crystal Methuen and they ditched the little girl at a hospital
  • She had 3 outstanding warrants at the time of arrest
  • Crysal Methuen’s Facebook page shows us that she has a history of robbing stores and then immediately selling the merchandise with the price tags still on them for half price on Facebook
  • Newspaper described PCP Paulie as Crystal Methuen’s “on again off again boyfriend,” but a month ago she was expressing her undying love for him, while stating that “no one can ever say anything bad about you”
  • He has Google trophies for OUI drugs, being a fugitive from justice, and repeated probation violations
  • She had active warrants on her for violating her probation on two cases, including an arrest for being passed out driving her car while under the influence of fentanyl
  • On court day she did what she did on most of her scheduled piss test days – got high, blew PCP Paulie, and defaulted



5. Bret Killoran vs. 12. Prison Pen Pal Poonstank

5. Bret Killoran

  • Unemployed 52 year old man who takes bong rips and live streams himself playing video games with creepy German man while everyone else is working
  • Has no teeth, no job, no car, and no license, but still feels he is in a good position to judge the morality and usefulness of other people
  • Burned bridge with Turtleboy and since he badly needed attention had no choice but to befriend well documented child abusing woman who he previously accused of sexually abusing her children
  • Had to apologize to child abusing woman for dozens of previous statements in which he accused her son “fiddler on the roof” of “putting some digits” in his sister
  • Had 2 year restraining order granted against him by a woman in South Carolina who he repeatedly threatened and made grotesque sexual comments towards
  • Pretended to be suicidal and claimed to have a gun in his mouth which he pretended to do a dry fire with in order to get people to feel sorry for him because he broke up with his morbidly obese cohost after he found out she had been sending noodz to something called Bones on YouTube
  • Bragged about raising $275 in donos so that he could force a friend to drive him from home in Lewiston Maine to courthouse in Attleboro in order to cause a scene and pretend to challenge several people to a fight in the courthouse
  • Emasculated himself by coming on Turtleboy Live Show and saying how much he misses it and regrets ever leaving


12. Prison Pen Pal Poonstank

  • Boston City Councillor who never felt the need to mention that she married her husband while he was 9 years into a life sentence for murdering an immigrant he had set up to be robbed by his hooker friend
  • Quite possibly the most ratchet and ghetto elected official in the history of democracy
  • Posted that Boston has too many white teachers, firefighters, cops, and other public servants
  • Brought a mob of ratchets to City Hall today to defend accused rapist colleague in the trashiest way possible
  • Told 2 white colleagues “don’t come for me, because if you want smoke you’ll get smoke”
  • Began banging on table yelling “What the FUCK do I have to do in this FUCKING council in order to get respect as a black woman?”
  • Encouraged the mob she brought to nearly start a riot outside the City Council chambers




3. Sharon Hernandez vs. 14. Nashua Melanin Milkshake

3. Sharon Hernandez

  • 19 Year old woman arrested in Princeton alongside Aaron Hernandez’ prison boyfriend Kyle “Pure” Kennedy with shotgun and ski masks, which means they were almost definitely on their way to or from a planned home invasion
  • Turned out to be Kennedy’s stepsister, who was in a sexual relationship that they documented extensively on social media
  • Got matching face tattoos as a symbol of her unending love and devotion
  • Destiny appears to be working the poll for food stamps at Sweaty Betty’s daytime shift
  • Aspiring career as an auto-tuned singer whose music was promoted and paid for by her suburban mother
  • I would rather listen to the howling sounds of pleasure coming out of Kyle Kennedy’s pole polisher while Aaron Hernandez laid his claim to him in Cell Block D than I would ever hearing this Chloe Chlamydia attempt to sing while spread eagle on a Cadillac
  • Took graduation photos in skimpy bikini revealing etch-a-sketch body tattoo


14. Nashua Melanin Milkshake

  • 19 year old aspiring gangsta rapper with sidekick the Ginger Infringer who is almost up to 70 YouTube subscribers
  • Calls himself 603 stona, and him and his homeys like to make videos that are mostly still images of them standing around with guns and flashing their ice
  • Likes to with guns in the bathroom, spray paint “gang shit” on buildings, give shoutouts to dead friend Eugene, and urge people to subscribe to their channel “if you gang”
  • Says he likes to do actual street shit, which mainly consists of them discreetly filming themselves saying the n word, and threatening people who remind them of they are in fact white and urge them to “pull your pants up and go home”
  • Melanin Milkshake and the Ginger Infringer have minimum wage jobs at some sort of sub shop where they film themselves keeping it real by posting videos of themselves pointing guns at the camera, flashing the tens and tens of dollars they’ve made selling mediocre marijuana, and discussing all their enemies who presumably will be getting mercked
  • Bragged about robbing and stabbing his rivals, and putting guns to their heads
  • Bragged about how he stabbed someone and then taunted them on social media
  • Keeps lists of his enemies, who he refers to as “opps,” and sends them ominous messages in the snow
  • Major beef once went down after getting kicked out of group chat
  • Didn’t get the memo that none of this is actually supposed to be real, because he took his online persona a little too seriously and was arrested for killing and shooting a man




6. Narcan Naniburger and Wigmaster Willy vs. 11. Pawtucket Poontang Punisher

6. Narcan Naniburger and Wigmaster Willy

  • Shared a link to a story about one of his triple chinned friends who was suing the Plymouth Police for shooting him after he shot at his wife and child, before shooting at police when they arrived
  • Despite never paying taxes was really upset that tax dollars are going to fund to public safety
  • Held protest against the police for harassing him due to the fact that he’s a junkie
  • Has Google trophies from courthouses all across the south shore, including a wide array of misdemeanors, felonies, and evictions
  • Arrested outside of Walmart for A&B on an elderly person but said it wasn’t his fault because he called for an Uber but couldn’t fit all the stuff he paid for with his food stamps into the car, the driver tried telling him this, which caused Wigmaster Willy to freak out, assault him, and jump on the hood of his car
  • Wigmaster Willy is the one who called the cops on the man he assaulted, despite the fact that he supposedly hates the police, so he would’ve gotten away with it if his first inclination wasn’t to call them and snitch on the Uber driver
  • Created 2 babies with junkie girlfriend Carissa – the one in the police report from Walmart who refused to talk to police, probably because he has a tendency to smack her around whenever she disobeys
  • She dumped him in April so Wigmaster Willy broke into her apartment in the middle of the night, went into a rage, she called the cops, and then he began beating the shit out of her while she was on the phone with police
  • Narcan Naniburger had no intention of leaving him or cooperating with the DA’s office after that but luckily the DA’s office believes they can convict him with just the 911 audio
  • Is on probation pretty much all the time, but he almost never abides by the terms and manages to stay out of jail anyway
  • Girlfriend was arrested and charged twice in one week last year for violating a restraining order that her neighbor in the projects got on her
  • When police arrived Wigmaster Willy refused to cooperate, whipped out his cell phone and began filming himself calling the responding officers dog killers and pussies, despite the fact that recording the victim who had an order out on his wife was a violation as well
  • Claim they want to get their kids back from DCF but constantly air their dirty white trash laundry domestic dispute on Facebook
  • Primary disagreement in their “marriage” revolves around use of the family moped, and he can’t drive a car because he hit a Plymouth cop’s pregnant wife a car
  • Wigmaster Willy wanted to make it clear that his license was suspended BEFORE he hit the pregnant woman, and that it took the cops 6 hours to find him after he fled the scene of the crime
  • A month before that she was posting about how proud she was of her baby for “coming so far and accomplishing so much” because drug court gave him a certificate
  • Despite still being a shithead Wigmaster Willy was featured in the newspaper as the official ribbon cutter at a Plymouth drug treatment center
  • Wigmaster Willy was proud of Turtleboy fame, and thinks the blog made him look better than he actually is
  • Narcan Naniburger was not as pleased, and wrote email and Facebook messages calling me a pussy ass bitch maggot cockroach leech


11. Pawtucket Poontang Punisher

  • Sent strange woman he doesn’t know dick pics that she didn’t see because they were in filtered messages
  • Deleted those messages after she freaked out and blocked him
  • Began with a “morning sexy,” but got no reply, so he escalated from them sending her tub selfies, followed by full on masturbation videos
  • Has plethora of Google trophies ranging from A&B to larceny to driving around in uninsured vehicles
  • More victims came forward after blog, showing that he searches for women on Facebook, sends dozens of dick picks out, and hopes that one of them will be so overwhelmed by his girth that they’ll drop everything they’re doing to take a ride on it
  • Second woman was sent video in which he steps back in his kitchen, pulls down his Shaw’s brand bathing trunks, whips out the womb broom, and then stares deep into your eyes as he’s pleasuring himself
  • Messaged victim #3 to tell her how gorgeous she was and asked her how she was doing, briefly made small talk that she stopped responding to, so naturally he took this as a green light to send an unsolicited schmenzer shot
  • Always waits a few hours after not getting a response to send the dick pic, then deletes the pictures if they express any sort of disgust



7. Goffstown Salami Saucer vs. 10. Lawrence Tunaflap Tortilla

7. Goffstown Salami Saucer

  • Grown woman who uses dog filters and calls herself “Shawty”
  • Drove around the highway shitfaced, hit the guardrail several times, drove onto the median to turn around and go the other way on the highway, then drove across the median again but didn’t change her directions this time and started going directly into oncoming traffic, crashing into the guardrail again before she could kill someone
  • Decided to show up on post about her arrest and laugh react to a woman who lost her mother to a drunk driver, said “shit happens,” and complained that she shouldn’t have to lose her license over this
  • Father showed up on the thread to call her a “drunk, pill popping loser,” and told the world about herreproduced as a 15 year old, which is what they call a late bloomer in Lawrence, but she clearly wasn’t ready to have a baby. Nevertheless, she elected to fire out two more raw dog trophies because planning for the future and being responsible is overrated other recent DUI crash at 9 in the morning while driving her junkie boyfriend’s car


10. Lawrence Tunaflap Tortilla

  • Reproduced as a 15 year old, then fired out two more raw dog trophies and lost custody of all of them
  • Filmed herself refusing to hand over the kids at the DCF office after her monthly visit with them because her daughter says the foster family is mean to her
  • Escalated the situation and caused the kids to cry as DCF workers threatened to call the cops on her
  • Kids don’t have a Dad or a home, but they all have a fresh pair of Jordans
  • Coached her kids with leading questions to tell DCF that they were being abused in foster home
  • Got one daughter to cry in what was clearly a traumatic incident she was provoking
  • Posted explanation for behavior on Facebook about her boo-hoo story in which nothing was her fault
  • Son who mouthed off at DCF workers has to go to behavioral school in Worcester because he mouths off to teachers “when he’s being treated differently,” which is code for “I raised my brat to argue with adults whenever he feels aggrieved”
  • Son was so bad in school that she had to constantly leave work to come pick him up, but she had no job and couldn’t afford the Uber fees
  • Put on a pair of scrubs and called herself a CNA, tried bringing the devil child to work with her, which wasn’t allowed, so now she lost him again
  • Insists that her kids belong with her, even though she clearly has displayed that she has no idea how to be a mother
  • Says she didn’t abandon her kids, she just gave them up
  • When not complaining about DCF she mostly posts sexual things about how she wants to get flipped over like pancake



2. Audrey Robinson vs. 15. il Douchie Gucci

2. Audrey Robinson

  • Former Templeton School Committee member arrested for downloading and distributing thousands of images of kiddie porn
  • Turned into a woman despite clearly being a dude name Audrey
  • Continued posting on Facebook after being arrested by FBI like nothing happened
  • After news of arrest became public he swore he would fight until the bitter end and was innocent
  • Plead guilty 9 months later but said he only did so because the justice system hates transgendered people
  • Frequently groomed children on Facebook by looking for photographers for “transgender kids” who want to “live their magical childhood” and said he “knows their innocence”
  • Really hates Ron DeSantis due to anti-grooming law in Florida because the government has no right to stop him from talking to kids about how he’s transgender in school
  • Favorite place is Disney World so that he can be close to children
  • Used Facebook to smear the manager at the 99 Restaurant in Gardner for not letting employees wear rainbow pins, threatening to have a rainbow flash mob there, and accused the manager of giving blowjobs to men
  • Smeared and threatened critics with gay attorney husband
  • Ironically posted while at a court appearance how a drunk driver was being let off with no consequences, despite being charged with considerably worse crimes
  • Immediately after pleading guilty AJ Robinson ran to Facebook to announce to his followers that he only plead guilty because he ran out of money, and vowed to tell the “real” story



15. il Douchie Gucci

  • Financial advisor fancy boy who believes he is God’s gift to women
  • Frequently uses phrases like “Gucci vibes only”
  • After being rejected by a woman on Bumble he got on this work account number listed on his business page and began to harass the woman for having the nerve to block him after changing her mind about sleeping with him
  • Told her how fat she was, and said that he would’ve kicked her out of his apartment after having sex with her, so that she’d realize what an opportunity she missed out on, and also she is poor
  • After blog went up he told me I would be hearing from his attorney, and threatened to call the police
  • Threatened the woman he demeaned for not sleeping with him if she didn’t take the blog down, which she has no power to do
  • Fired within 24 hours and called me vowing to use all his resources to shut down my website



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