Here’s a fun video from last week posted by John DePetro, showing the cultural renaissance currently taking place in Providence.
Let’s go to the play by play.
It began innocently enough with a Juan on Juan fight, as Kung Fu Cortez got the first knockdown with a kick to the chest of Skinny Jeans Santana.
But since the rules of the street dictate that no homey can be left behind, Skinny Jean Santana’s friend Shirtless Joe Jackson had to run to his defense.
Skinny Jeans Santana saw him coming from behind, but unfortunately for Kung Fu Cortez, he did not.
Mind you this was January 5 and well below zero, so of course he wasn’t wearing a shirt in the Wendy’s parking lot.
Skinny Jeans Santana was apparently under the impression that he didn’t just get his ass kicked and get bailed out by his much tougher friend because he immediately got back on his feet and attempted to get his shots in too.
Like a mother cheetah teaching her cubs to take down a disabled newborn impala. It’s easy to fight to someone who can beat you up when you know the second you start getting beat up you will feel no pain because your guardian ratchet will be there to protect you. And that is exactly what happened, because every time Kung Fu Cortez began to get the best of Skinny Jeans Santana, Shirtless Joe Jackson was there to pop him in the lip.
As you can see, he wore his fighting Jordans for the occasion, so he had no choice but to throw down.
Meanwhile, Shirtless Joe Jackson wasn’t asking any questions – he was just punching anyone who didn’t arrive there with him in his 04 Civic with the tinted windows and custom rims.
But he wasn’t the only one who wanted in on the feeding frenzy. Kung Fu Cortez also had to deal with Chinstrap Chavez who had to get his licks in too.
This upset Shirtless Joe Jackson, because although they were on the same side, Chinstrap Chavez was low on the pecking order and it wasn’t his turn to feed yet.
Back to business…
A lot of people would’ve got the hell out of there since Kung Fu Cortez was either alone or came with the worst friends ever who refused to jump in and help him. But to his credit, he kept going, presumably because his junior bacon cheeseburger wasn’t microwaved yet.
Skinny Jeans Santana seemed to really believe that he had something to do with why the fight wasn’t going well for Kung Fu Cortez.
Even Shirtless Joe Jackson wanted to give Kung Fu Cortez a chance to fight back.
And literally any time the fight was one on one, things went badly for Skinny Jeans Santana.
After a while some cars go by in the drive through, because a bunch of brawling welfare ghettomuppets never stopped a Rhode Island resident from getting their spicy nuggets. When the scene cleared there was an unknown man lying motionless on the ground, and pretty much no one seemed to care or do anything about it.
Back to it….
Finally a female friend of Kung Fu Cortez did what no man was willing to do – try to intervene on his behalf. She got treated like I would imagine every woman in Skinny Jeans Santana’s life has always been treated – by being thrown to the ground in a puddle of ranch sauce and broken dreams.
Luckily Chinstrap Chavez lives by a code and helped her to her feet.
Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure that other guy is dead, and there was nary a belt in sight.
Don’t worry though, thanks to mail in voting and ballot harvesting every single one of the people featured in this video will have ample opportunity to vote for the candidate they’re bribed to vote for next election. Maybe if we just keep throwing money at people like this we can finally have equity.