Up And Coming Warwick Rap Group Releases New Gangsta Rap Video From Suburban Backyard, Introduces New Members


Four months ago we introduced to the world the Tapioca Tornado and Make a Wish Eminem, who together formed the emerging Rhode Island gazebo rap group known as “War-raq.”

They claimed to be the hottest up and coming rap group in Rhode Island, which is like bragging about being the hottest girl at the Super Chinese Buffet on a Wednesday afternoon. We hadn’t heard from them in quite some time because apparently they were working on their next lyrical masterpiece, which they unleashed over the weekend.

If the coronavirus was a rap group, that would be it.

I’m still holding out hope that this is all parody. But I’m afraid this appears to be all too real. Although most would have a hard time believing that anyone with a freshly mowed lawn in a neighborhood full of single family homes had any sort of street cred, Obamaphone Thugs n Harmony blatantly disregarded social distancing guidelines.

So they’re practically America’s most wanted.

But if you’re going to make a hardcore gangsta rap video, you should probably keep your masks at home.

Someone might want to tell these gentlemen that you can’t be gangsta in the suburbs if you’re following an order from Gina Raimondo.

And what is up with the new backup dancer Junkie Jim Morrison with the librarian frames who kept his hands in his pits for 90% of that video? Who wore it better?

If “Yo can I bum a cigarette?” had a face.

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Apparently Make a Wish Eminem got benched and replaced with the newest member of the group Shampoo Shamus, who emerged from Billy Palazzo’s kidnapping shed.

Those outfits though. This is why they never should’ve closed down Marshalls.

In War-raq tradition Shampoo Shamus also read his scripted diss track off of a cell phone whilst being dry humped by the Tapioca Tornado.

Save some chicks for the rest of us fellas.

That face you make when you’re picking up court ordered trash along the highway and your probation officer isn’t looking.

And yes, those are $1 bills, so obviously Billy’s career has really taken off since we last saw him.

The leader of the Pube Tang Clan apparently wanted me to blog about the new video because he messaged me on Saturday night to let me know that I’m a loser who will never be relevant like him, and he’s mad that I offered him a “fake deal.”

Obviously I had my time, but now it is their’s. I hope one day to be as relevant as they are and produce award winning rap videos from my fenced in, suburban backyard.


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