Well, fam, it’s been real, but I think today is the day that we’re finally going down, because Revere’s most obscure failed mid-thirties rapper has brilliantly deduced the scheme here, and the gig is up. Check it out:
What a completely sane genius. Yep, you caught us, Colombo. We’re working for both the “far left” and the “far right” with the sole purpose of discrediting Billy fuckin’ Baggz by portraying him as a mentally unhinged crackhead with teeth that are currently experiencing a separation, presumably on their way to a divorce. Because it’s not like he does that all by himself or anything.
It’s clearly our fault that he presents like a paranoia-riddle preteen neck-deep in a big ol’ pile of meth trapped in the body of an unwashed and aging absentee father. You caught us there.
But it gets worse, you guys. Turns out Scruff McMeth the super sleuth has also uncovered Turtleboy’s most nefarious secret yet – our ties to the mob.
And now that we’ve been outed, we’re about to face our most formidable adversary yet – the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act – a United States federal law that provides for extended criminal penalties and civil cause of action for acts performed as part of an ongoing criminal organization. Today, the third of December, to be exact. Because Billy said so. He cracked the case, all right. We’re somehow inexplicably funded simultaneously by Super Pacs, government officials, and the mob with no discernible benefit to any parties involved – and yet Uncle Turtleboy is drowning under the burden of 6 separate frivolous lawsuits, and I’ve put down nearly $1,400 on a YouTube show that’s still at a 91% loss. Seems legit.
I’m not complaining, I’m just saying….if any Super Pacs want to chip in on my expensive little hobby, hit me up. We’ll take down Billy Baggz and Danielle Bognanno together, because it’s not like they have that covered entirely on their own by doing things like “Photoshopping” photos of themselves together at the Encore casino breaking her no trespass order and sending it to us.
Take it from Billy, he knows what he’s doing. Obviously.
And his credibility is bar-none. He also says Hot Tow Truck girl is a wonderful mother, so you all should take it from him. It’s not like she’s all but completely abandoned her kid to “find herself”, which apparently means bumming around with an unemployed ballsack who caught drug DUI charges less than sixth months ago, spending her days driving him and his equally productive buddies around while they film themselves being super responsible adults like this:
Actual lyrics: “Got no kids, got no kids, got no kids, boy”. There, I fixed it for you, Billy. And also, apparently good mothers spend their time holed up in dilapidated trap house sheds with greasy-looking junk boxes learning important life skills, like…. scratching on a record like you’re some sort of bootleg Flava Flav.
Great use of your time as a parent, chickie. You could be working on pursuing a career, addressing whatever issues prompt you to make such terrible life decisions, learning how to budget and pay bills, addressing any substance abuse issues. But no, this seems like a wonderful and productive path to wander down instead. So maternal. I’m sure her kid is benefiting from all this tremendously, and never goes to sleep at night wondering where the fuck his mother is and what he did wrong to deserve this level of abandonment. I’m green with envy here, clearly. Again, just ask Billy.
If you feel the need to publicly address your “haters” on social media to an audience smaller than the line at Chipotle on a Tuesday afternoon – you have none. Shut up.
The best part of this is Billy’s measure of success. He honestly believes he is worthy of bitter jealousy because he is now featured as a “client” of some marketing agency no one has ever hear of, that actually included his features on Turtleboy as some sort of selling point.
Along with a “celebrity” polo player (the most popular sport in America, duh):
And these completely unrecognizable brands.
Holy Mark Mcgwire, Batman! Billy’s made the big leagues! I’d highly suggest you dump the no-names who have no clue what they’re doing, because presumably you’re paying them, and if your idea of the “limelight” involves sharing it with people like this:
You’re not doing it right. Besides, Billy, why pay someone to do less for you than what we do for free? The only attention you ever get is when we bother to look over your way for a moment, and I don’t mind doing it for nothing – you amuse me. Without us, all you do is post dumb crap on social media all day long that legitimately gets less engagement and views than this picture of my dog e-begging for turkey necks on Thanksgiving.
I’d suggest you and Tow Truck girl get a dog, but…I like dogs. So don’t do that, please. They’re living creatures. But then again, what do I know? I’m just some mob lackey taking money from Super Pacs, laughing at Billy Baggz’s antics until later on today, when they inevitably arrest me for organized crime, and throw me straight in the hole.
It’s been real, guys. I love you all. Please send money for phone calls and ramen noodles, and pray that they save a cell next to mine for Danielle!