Dear Mr. Meatball,
I’m sure that you’re probably busy exercising or building an elevator between your left and right eyebrows, but I wanted to reach out and speak to you since I occupy so much space in your brain. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of legroom in here. I know that you’re fond of writing letters, and really enjoy reading your correspondences with the DOJ. Let’s start there.
Gee whiz, that Jodi Cohen sure is a c u next Tuesday, amirite? I like the way you schmoozed her up by telling her you saw her at the State House Hate Crime event. Don’t worry though, I’m sure she remembered you as the life-long townie who didn’t realize he had cracker crumbs hanging from his lip and toilet paper stuck to his shoes. Maybe next time, don’t lead off with, “Are you gonna finish that sandwich?”
I thought for sure that as Boston’s FBI Special Agent in Charge, she would have wanted to meet the corrupt troopers she’s been tasked with investigating. But I guess she’s not from here, so she didn’t get the memo that she’s supposed to look the other way when corrupt cops cover up a murder. What a wicked bitch!
Your letter to speak with the manager of the DOJ was priceless too. I’m shocked that they weren’t won over by arguments such as “It’s not fair”, and “Rachael Rollins was mean to me.” The Feds are more out of control than your cholesterol levels!
Let’s backup to your August 25 press release. I haven’t seen you that upset since Tip O’Neil ate the last Boston cream donut! Thank goodness you spoke out in defense of poor Colin Albert. That young man hasn’t gotten any breaks in life! It was about time someone with power protected him from being criticized or asked any questions. I, for one, think it was a great career move to tie your reputation to the Advantage Boys’ worst nightmare.
Your demand that criticism of the McAlberts “needs to stop” certainly went over well too. What better way to prove people’s innocence than to demand the public stop asking questions about them? The inclusion of books in the background, that you’ve clearly never read, definitely gave the panel on Court TV the impression that you are a learned scholar, and not a stereotypical Boston politician with zero self-awareness.
I personally loved the line that Michael Proctor had no personal relationship with any of the witnesses. That didn’t completely backfire or anything! It’s not like the Proctors and the Alberts regularly displayed their close ties on Facebook. Just keep yelling at people and telling them to shut up, and they’ll start believing you.
I know that I’ve done some damage to your reputation by reporting on how corrupt you are. But I wasn’t prepared for your ace in the hole – Jennifer Coffindaffer. Please keep feeding her propaganda and sending her out on Court TV, to pretend to be an expert on things she doesn’t have a clue about. Either that or keep having David Traub feed Gretchen Voss burgers and box wine.
I do have a question for you though – do you regret fucking with Karen Read? I’m sure this isn’t the first innocent person you framed, but most of them probably aren’t as smart and as well-resourced as her. She was supposed to plea to manslaughter when you charged her with murder, not prove what an evil, corrupt, bloviating assbag you are!
This whole thing with Karen and the Feds seems unfair. You’re a Democratic politician in Massachusetts – didn’t they get the memo that no one is supposed to challenge you? You have an Irish last name, you’ve been getting elected with 90% of the vote since the fall of Saigon, and you always kill it every year at the St Patrick’s Day roast! Who the fuck does Josh Levy think he is? He wasn’t even invited to Kenny Berkowitz’ retirement party!
Let me tell you though, assigning Ken Mello to take me down was a great choice that totally hasn’t backfired. You have great taste in prosecutors, as can be seen by your choice to promote Adam Lally and get rid of Laure Chao. That bitch! Next time, give Mello a hand bringing the whole internet to court. It can get heavier than you on Thanksgiving.
I’m currently in here with Brian Walshe. Ya know, the guy your boy Proctor investigated and charged with murdering his wife, based mostly on his Google searches. Good thing your office is giving his lawyer ammo for defense since Google searches apparently are no longer real.
Speaking of fuckups by your office, you sure dropped the ball on the Michael Chesna trial. Good job screening the jury for potential ratchets who would never convict a cop killer. Then again, protecting cop killers is kind of your thing. Oh, and how does it feel that Cindy Chesna is Team Free Karen Read? That’s got to hurt more than when Howie Carr nicknamed you “Pass the Gravy.”
And can we talk about Sandra Birchmore? What was her problem? Your good friend Robert Devine, wanted to groom her and pass her around the Stoughton Police Department, like Jill Daniels at last call. Why’d she have to go and get pregnant and make your boys in blue, Epstein her ass? At least she’s not able to expose you like Karen Read though. Ya know, because Matthew Farwell murdered her.
Can I give you a piece of advice though? Give money to Donald Trump ASAP. That guy loves pardoning corrupt Democrat politicians when he becomes president. Just ask former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Democrats kicked those guys to the curb because they were toxic. But if you donate to Trump’s legal defense fund, you’ll be fully pardoned by January.
If I were you, I’d throw Tully and Proctor under the bus. Just say you didn’t know they were corrupt and blame it all on them. Then you and Chris Albert can get drunk, drive around, crash into shit in Milton, and blame it on Chris’ pizza and the weather. But first tell Chicken Parm Charlie to drive home and sober up.
Look, I realize that things are looking kind of bad now with the indictments coming, but don’t let it get you down. You’re Michael fucking Morrissey! When someone says, “You can’t put gravy on pancakes,” you say, “Hold my beer.” Sure, they have the power of the federal government, but you have the power of your own gravitational pull! Just keep making more angry videos and they’ll leave you alone. No one wants to mess with the guy who looks like a shook-up can of orange soda.
Anyway, that’s enough with your legal problems. I’ll be out of jail soon and hope to be there when the FBI raids your house, while you’re getting a midnight snack of a meatball grinder with extra mayo. Oh well, at least you got to see me in handcuffs a couple times. But that’s the last victory you’re ever going to get.