Canton Cover-Up Part 288: Dear Karl

Dear Local Moron,

How you doing buddy? It’s your old pal, Aidan. Ya know, the guy who escorts you to your car every time you leave court. Sweet ride, by the way. I think you’re the first person to own a Lincoln Town Car, who wasn’t named Walter. Anyway, I’ve been away for a minute and a lot has happened since I’ve been gone, and I wanted to catch up with you. I remember the first time you messaged me in April and told me you were one of John’s best friends. You said you were concerned about John’s kids and agreed that I had brought up a lot of questionable things about the investigation. You even told me you wanted the whole truth to come out.

 

 

I gotta be honest, I thought you kind of gave a shit at the time. But, as it turns out, you don’t actually care about his kids or finding the truth. There’s one thing that matters to you more than anything in the world – Karl’s precious feelings. A grown man’s feelings should definitely come before truth, justice and friendship.

What’s up with that Karen Read bitch? Can you believe that on the morning she found her murdered boyfriend, she had the audacity not to text you back and make sure YOU were okay? How was Captain Cuckaroo himself not a priority for her? Sure, she was in the hospital, experiencing trauma, and the people who murdered John were actively framing her for murder. But you’re Karl freaking Dugal! I don’t care if you’re in the middle of giving birth. When Karl texts you, you text him back immediately.

Let me tell you, a great way to show John you gave a shit about him is to pal around with his murderers and the cops who are covering it up. I know that a great way to show that you care about his kids is befriending Jennifer McCabe, who conspired to make them orphans for the second time.

The first time we met was when you and your wife, Jackie Chin, harassed Karen outside of court. Your brilliant question to her – “Why did you say you did it?” – really shows that you put a lot of thought into the case and looked at the evidence. Sure, she never actually said that, but she also hurt your feelings, which means she’s guilty of murder.

 

You really showed us that you’re speaking your truth by not asking Jen McCabe about her Google search, not asking Brian Albert why he didn’t come out of the house to see if John was alive, and not asking yourself why Canton Police didn’t find any taillight or missing shoes when they first arrived at the scene. None of that stuff matters as much as your fee-fees.

Your wife’s a real gem too. The only thing harder to find than that Ford Edge is her chin. Her mean girls schtick must really turn you on, and the fact that she accidentally doxed herself as a Twitter troll by showing her license, but still tweets from it pretending it’s not her, shows that you’ve tied yourself down to a stable, emotionally mature woman. Lots of healthy relationships are built on foundations like that. I got to be honest though, I’m a little concerned that someone as emotional as you is a BPD detective. When you get called to a murder, do you ask do you ask witnesses for their phone numbers and the last one to call you back gets charged with murder? Or do you only put that level of though in when one of your best friends is beaten to death?

I understand that framing Karen Read for murder is a little bit uncomfortable for you. Ya know because she’s not black. You know from experience that it’s way easier to wrongfully arrest black people because you seem to do it a lot on the job. Maybe if Colin Albert hit the tanning booth, it would be easier for you to accept what he did. Oh well, at least arresting the wrong Black guy only cost Boston taxpayers $12,000. That’s a fraction of what Ken Mello owes for child support, or what Chris Albert owes in tax liens.

It was great seeing you and Jackie Chin at my arraignment though. Your angry face cracked me up. As I looked at you, thinking how temporarily inconvenienced I was, at this hilarious attempt to charge me with a bunch of fake crimes. You guys must have really thought you had me that day. Sorry it just ended with me raising my profile and making a shitload of money on Free Turtleboy gear.

 

 

You should have seen your girl, Horseface, glaring at me with Lizzie Proctor. They sure put on a good show! But are you aware that they’re laughing at you more than they’re laughing at Paul O’Keefe? It’s kind of ironic that you’re palling around with Paul, Chris Albert, and Michael Morrissey, who all graduated from the Ted Kennedy School of Drunken Driving, while shitting on Karen for allegedly hurting someone with a car.

Oh, and appointing someone called Krusty Panties to be your leader was a real wise decision too.  Sure, she lost two kids to the state, thinks that shampoo is when Free Willy takes a dump, and lives on welfare with a guy who is charged with assaulting her runaway teenager with a knife. Sure, she’s currently being charged for the second time with stalking and violating an order that a BPD officer’s daughter has on her. Sure, she readily admits her DCF file is “voluminous” and chose junkies and Fireball over her own kids. But she makes YouTube videos pretending to be a serious documentarian, and will never stop obsessing over Turtleboy, so you got to take what you can get.

Let me tell you though, the last couple of weeks must be making you nervous. You went all in on the McAlberts and it looks like they’re about to be indicted for killing your alleged best friend. That’s a whole lot of cope to swallow. When it finally happens, it’s gonna be more cringe than Jackie Chin’s George Floyd video, and your workout video combined.

Anyway, my question to you is, what are you gonna do when the people who killed John are indicted? Have you ever thought about that very realistic possibility? Will you show up to their court dates like you did at Karen’s and pepper them with stupid questions? Or do you only do that to people who tried to save John’s life? It’s gonna be a bit awkward being on the same side as me, so I don’t blame you if you don’t show up. Just know there will be no amnesty from Team Turtleboy, and I’m gonna keep escorting you guys to your boomer mobile at Moakley, just like I did in Dedham.