TB Investigates

Canton Cover-Up Part 292: Dear Jill Daniels – No I Can’t Be Your Valentine

Donate to the Turtleboy Legal Defense Fund

Dear Jill,

Today is Valentine’s Day and although I’m in jail and a little bit lonely, I’m writing to let you know that I’m declining your request to be my valentine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m strangely flattered, but at the end of the day, you’re just not my type, and there are a lot of red flags that would prevent us from taking our relationship to the next level.

Let me start by saying that it’s not because of your looks. I’m not superficial, and I don’t care if you look like you spent the last decade chopping wood in the Siberian Forest. I don’t mind that your face oddly resembles a black diamond mogul in the Alps. And it’s not a deal killer that sitting on your face looks like it would feel like taking a nap on my leather dorm room couch after being left out in the rain.



It’s really more of a Montague – Capulet thing. A McAlbert and a Turtle simply cannot be together. The families won’t allow it. Thanksgiving would be far too awkward. How would you introduce me to your godson, Colin? “This is the guy who gave you all the sads for doing an impression of your hardo Tik Toks?” How could I pretend to enjoy your brother-in-law’s chicken parm when I’ve repeatedly called it mediocre at best? And what about your poor sister Julie? I was once charged with witness intimidation against her because I left her a voicemail asking how did it feel to lose best looking to Jen McCabe in high school? I can only imagine the emotional harm it causes to bring up losing a beauty contest to someone nicknamed Horseface.

Poor Julie must be so jealous of you and Jen. While she got stuck with the only Albert brother who makes less money than Tim and had to move out of her house on account of being married to a deadbeat, you and Jen hitched your wagons to successful men. Sure, Matt McCabe may have bigger Gerber servers than you do, but he makes enough money to raise four kids in a nice house, while his wife sits around covering up murders all day.

Meanwhile, look at the catch you reeled in! Granted, the first time Nick Marathas was introduced to your family, they thought he mistook your house for the bingo hall. But the second he called one of them a “fucking homo” he was officially part of the Albert family. They knew at that moment if one of them ever needed to get rid of some bloody carpets quietly, Marathas Carpeting would be their first call.



Your role in this whole saga is kind of underrated. A lot of people assume you’re just a crazy, drunken aunt who wants to hate-fuck the shit out of me. But you’re actually the most important player in the coverup. You are the connection between the McAlberts and the Proctors. Without your close friendship with Michael Proctor’s sister, Courtney, her mother never would have called the Alberts her second family. Without you, Colin never would have been the ring bearer in Courtney’s wedding. Without you, Michael Proctor never would have sat with Chris and Julie Albert at the wedding. Without you, Chris never would have been able to call up Proctor and make sure he was the lead detective after finding out his son and brother were there for John O’Keefe’s murder. Without you, Proctor, Tully, and Bukhenik might have done some real police work and figured out why Colin’s Ford Edge was parked outside Brian Albert’s house at 3 am. Without you, your whole family would have been fucked and Karen Read never would have been framed for murder.

That’s why we could never work. It doesn’t matter how much you yearn for the extra emoji, or how flattered and starstruck you were when you picked up your phone that night, heard my voice, and yelled, “It’s Turtleboy!” as you self-moisturized your panties. The bottom line is that I worked hard to expose the coverup you were indirectly responsible for, so we could never be together. My reporting is likely to culminate with several of your family members in jail. It would just be too awkward.

At first, I thought you didn’t like me like that, but now I can see you were just playing hard to get. It was all part of the classic McAlbert courtship process.

  1. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy.
  2. Boy exposes girl’s family for murder coverup. Girl calls boy “Turtledouche.”
  3. Boy calls girl on live show. Girl accuses boy of being a turtle…..a turtle.
  4. Boy asks girl question about nephew’s involvement in murder. Girl almost accidentally admits nephew was inside house during murder.
  5. Boy continues to press girl. Girl accidentally reveals that her family suspects Brian Higgins is cooperating with FBI.
  6. Boy calls girl Pussycat. Girl asks boy where all his awards are.
  7. Boy assumes girl no longer wants to speak to him after getting hung up on. Girl calls back to call boy a “fucking looosssaahhh” and tells him to “Shut the fuck up!”

I really thought you hated me after that if I’m being completely honest. But it’s only because I’ve never been seduced by a McAlbert. Weeks later I was holding a peaceful protest outside your brother-in-law’s pizza place, which totally is NOT a drug front, and coincidentally you drove right by. I wouldn’t have seen you if you didn’t make sure you got my attention by giving me the Canton Salute. Little did I realize that this was your way of saying you wanted to bone. Had I known this was your way of flirting, I wouldn’t have brought up that you look like a piece of aluminum foil after it was used to pack a bologna sandwich for lunch.



Anyway, I hope you have a Happy Valentine’s Day regardless. It just won’t be with me. I give you permission to think about me while Nick overdoses on Viagra and passes out at 8:30, but we both know you’re going to do that anyway. Maybe things could have worked out differently if your whole family didn’t coverup a murder, or if you invested in moisturizer. But they did, and you didn’t, so I cannot be your Valentine.

Love – Turtledouche

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonetization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the Donation button above if you'd like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy:  Qries


  1. 𝙊𝙝 𝙅𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙮𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡

    Boy, was that Saturday Night phone call entertaining.. and revealing. “Guess what… Shut the fuck up.”.
    Boy that was great. Wasn’t that the first time someone slipped up and put Colin in the house? And then her comment about Higgins…

    Aidan, I think you are 6 – 0 now. Another priceless entry.

    But is Jill all that innocent? Doesn’t seem like she was there on the night in question. But it makes sense that she learned the awful details soon after and most likely from her sister and then went along with trying to frame an innocent woman. Her boyfriend too, I bet he knew right away the awful events that happened in that house. Maybe they will find a way to charge him with something like evidence tampering, conspiring to hide evidence, etc.

    But poor Jill looks like she may have several family members heading off to jail. The Alberts, Proctors, McCabes are no longer the “cool” kids in town.. now they are a cancer to Canton. Not only will the town eventually turn on all of them but it’s only a matter of time before they all start turning on each other.

    Aidan, remember “one day at a time”. it’s almost over and justice is so close

    1. Your beloved Aidan cause a whole peaceful town to be so divided and your ok with that, your master is cancer on the bowl of society and with all the new charges about to be laid he will be right back where he belongs probably with quite a few others he throws under the bus along the way.

        1. All Aidan did was expose what was already there. The corruption simply revealed itself.

          The townies don’t like it thus the police audit. A few bad apples running the tow the rest living in fear. Turtle simply exposed the truth. Canton had cancer and hopefully it cut out the corruption and join the human race.

    1. Totally agree – the self-moisturized did it. That, and, “Sure, Matt McCabe might have bigger Gerber servers than you do…”

  2. Dear Turtledope,

    I am sorry for trolling you incessantly. My game is weak, im nothing but a lonely beta hanging out in my mommy’s basement. I wish you all the best.
    On bended knee, I repent.

    1. That’s true. Your game is weak. I play your game better than you and I’m not on your side.

    2. Dear turtledope

      Status of judges written findings?

      Obviously someone is sensitive, as that comment, definitely not from myself.

      My interest is purely professional, being I have been subjected to same retaliatory false arrests and prosecutions.
      Turtledope merely evidence, to be added to my lawsuit.
      Be much more productive, if dope would regain freedom, as 15 minutes of fame Bundl, obviously bagged case.

      I’m pleasantly surprised , your not in solitary.
      Must be relaxed hippa or prea enforcement at facility, that would concern me.

      Still betting on you getting indicted , just prior to release.

      Tom Betit

        1. oh boy! a live one and sad to say, too many unstable people throughout this story, yet this seems to be the first at taking responsibility, maybe deserves a point or two, yet zero response to this insanity gibberish, imho. doubtful meds are the answer, imho big harma messes you up more, good luck finding your answer to your issues…..

          1. I’m Tom Betit, the real Tom Betit, all you other Tom Betit’s are just imitating.

        1. It wasn’t written for you to understand. Yet, When you write “uhhh-wut,” that disqualifies you from calling anyone out on writing styles.

  3. I’d be shocked if it was Colin’s Ford Edge. There’s no way they rush him out of the house after what went down, only to have him come back to the crime scene a couple hours later. I’d guess it was Chris’s Ford Edge, there to help his brother clean up and cover up his son’s murder of O’Keefe. Imagine the tension between those brothers? Lots of finger-pointing, I’d imagine.

    1. I agree. I don’t think they would have Colin come back to help with moving the body. But it makes sense that his dad goes back.

        1. So your theory is Read hit him, left him there, drove somewhere to commandeer a Ford Edge, drove it back to the scene, moved the body by herself so the plow driver couldn’t see it, moved the body back to its original spot, erased all the ring cam footage in the neighborhood, returned the Ford Edge, but stopped along the way to erase the 2 mins of library footage, drove home in her car, fell asleep, waited there for McCabe (who happened to be up all night) to call her and come get her, to take Read back to the scene of the crime for a third time, to try and save O’Keefe’s life in front of first responders?

        2. hahaha…… seriously? you aren’t able to keep up, still stuck on the first lying media’s story! It’s been quite some time now, possibly someone has cliff notes you can brush up on before the final!!! Good luck on cramming at last minute, wishing you the best!

        3. Of course. Karen was in cahoots with the McAlberts the whole time. After he went into the house, she waited until they dumped his body on the lawn, then cut his arm with the broken cocktail glass to make it look like dog bites. As a final gesture, she pulled forward and floored it in reverse and left tire tracks all over his back. Too bad CPD blew away that evidence with their leaf blowers.

          The only reason Karen is fighting this is because the McAlberts double-crossed her.

          Oh, did I forget to mention that it was Karen who backdated the “hos long to die in cold” text on Jen’s phone while Jen was giving John CPR?

          Ludicrous theory, right? More likely that Higgins blew the whistle to the feds.

      1. No question. It is possible, but in my opinion, unlikely. If the goal was to eliminate any evidence that Colin was there, then bringing Colin’s car within 20 feet of where O’Keefe’s body was left to be found wouldn’t make sense. But yes, you’re right, considering hos poorly thought out this all was, the notion that Chris used Colin’s car to get to the crime scene to help cover up a murder that Colin was involved in (or at least a witness to) is entirely possible.

    1. It’s looking less likely any indictments are happening. Why are they delaying the trial? Where is the discovery dump?Why was levy winking at the msp spokesperson? Why aren’t they dropping her charges? Why is tb still in jail? Downvotes me all you want but I’m starting to have doubts.

      1. I’m not going to downvote you your questions are valid. But don’t doubt the evidence will prove everything out in the end. The whole country is watching. The wheels of justice turn slowly. I took Josh Levy’s wink to be something like “Gotcha!” and he doesn’t seem like someone who’s on the take to shirk his responsibility.

  4. Dear turtledope

    Karen Read , thanks to your stupidity, is now suffering, with only Yanettis representation. Well done dope.

    Yanetti, when Canone asked , are you requesting canine dna , rusher to answer no.

    Yanetti has now closed the door , on entry of dog biting John O’Keefe ,
    So how did circular wounds on occur?
    Can’t say dog bite, or enter expert testimony -Pertaining to- Canone also working for commonwealth, that’s why she and lunch pail tag teamed defendant.

    Why would an attorney, ever negate a possible defense?

    Simple answer- to hinder the clients defense.

    Seeing a pattern yet?

    Hopefully Black will convince Karen to dispense , with commonwealth accessory prosecutor( yanetti ). Black should file On the basis of ineffective assistance of counsel, and commonwealth production of any and all dna.

    Seeing a pattern yet?
    Attorneys working against their clients, to gain favor with court.

    Status of written findings?
    Kafker response?

    Tucker call yet?

    Tom Betit

    1. Who the fuck is Black? Yanetti isn’t closing the door on the dog defense either. There is no Chloe DNA because either it was “lost” or the swab was never done (gee, I wonder why?). It doesn’t mean he can’t call an expert on dog bites (“Hello Atty. Melanie Little? Can I get that guys number you had on your show? Yeah, the one who showed EXACTLY the same types of dog bites/injuries, yeah and bring the guy who knew right away that these were dog bites without being told about this case.” ) When he comes to court with a big whiteboard full of dog bites that look identical (cuz he has non-K-9 bite pictures too, which is what Chloe was – a failed K-9) When the jury sees those, and hears about the dog’s past (sending 2 people to the hospital), and the fact that she was re-homed…oh boy. Reasonable doubt indeed. Won’t even have to get into the force it would take to break that taillight into 35 pieces from a low speed impact. And then sprinkle some microscopic shit on the clothes they had for days…Hahahaha.

    2. Stop making me look bad writing these psycho babble mini stories while pretending to be me. Everyone is laughing at you, Tommydope.

  5. Shells aside, another masterpiece penned by Central Masses award winning (publicized) independent journalist…

    1. Only award he won was a berry for penman ship, just a blogger and not a very good one. Journalist stick to facts not made up fairy stories and would never allow another to tell them what they can and can not write, Aidan is now just a puppet for a true Karen..

  6. Yo TB this Jill with the wrinkles is madly in luv with you it’s so obvious bro…. the call back was a dead give away!

    C’mon bro!

    “hey turtle don’t be afraid….. now you found her go out and get her… remember to let her into your heart so you can start to make things better”

  7. Still intimidating we all see, you have learnt nothing just still playing the victim still asking for money when you already have just over $200.000 in that fund that will also be investigated we will make sure of it. Your blogging is going down hill a bit like you, i do have a question, what will you do for money when all the social media is shut down. I do worry you have no where to live Julie will no longer support your laziness and i hear that even your kids cant stand you, so what’s to become of you, oh I know the new charges will give you a bed and food the world will be safe once again.

  8. Aidan now has just over $200.000 in his legal fund plus all the donations that have been given and his merch store,oh and dont forget the $60.000 Lexus he could sell or the insurance he would collect either way is still money in his pocket, he doesnt need your hard earned money he just wants it. You work hard for your money keep it. If your all about freedom of speech there are real organisations such as FIRE that do a great job, look into them or others not the grifters that have latched onto this tradgedy.

  9. You should do a ratchet blog about yourself and your mistakes with floozies. It would be epic and I’d bet everyone would appreciate it including the people who hate read your blogs. It could be so funny and let everyone know you can take a joke. C’mon man!

  10. I luckily stumbled upon this fantastic website earlier this week, they build marvelous content for members. The site owner clearly knows how to captivate visitors. I’m impressed and hope they keep up the excellent material.

  11. My brother recommended I might like this web site He was totally right This post actually made my day You cannt imagine just how much time I had spent for this information Thanks

  12. I just could not leave your web site before suggesting that I really enjoyed the standard information a person supply to your visitors Is gonna be again steadily in order to check up on new posts

  13. Hi Neat post There is a problem along with your website in internet explorer would test this IE still is the market chief and a good section of other folks will pass over your magnificent writing due to this problem

  14. obviously like your web-site but you need to test the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I to find it very troublesome to inform the reality on the other hand I’ll certainly come back again.

  15. Usually I do not read article on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very compelled me to take a look at and do so! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thanks, quite nice post.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *