There is a town in Western Massachusetts called Cummington. As in….
I had no idea it existed until one summer I decided to go to every town in Massachusetts, and didn’t know where to start. So I looked at a map and said, “obviously I will be starting with Cummington,” because the name of the town is Cummington.
Apparently there is a fair in Cummington with a demolition derby, and tensions were running high this year:
I’m not quite sure who stole whose flannel, but there’s plenty of Busch Light for everyone boys. Let’s all just take it easy. One thing I do know for sure is at least one person involved in that scrum wore a camoflauge tuxedo to their first wedding, and every single person you saw in that video can tell you what night kids at free at the Golden Corral.
You may be asking yourself how there could be a dispute at a demolition derby. I get it – tensions are high. Clayton got caught using Joe Bob’s deer stand. Or maybe there’s some trailer resentment going on, or an argument about whose broken down Pontiac has been on their front lawn for longer. But the purpose of a demolition derby is literally just to crash into each other, so what were they so upset about?
But there was a perfectly good explanation according to Emmy Lynn, and it goes back to previous demolition derby drama at the Washington County Fair in upstate New York.
Emmy looks like exactly the kind of woman who could describe the history behind demolition derby beef at the Cummington Fair.
The kind of lady who springs for the professionally done family photos, and then doesn’t make a fuss when the baby Daddy shows up with a Johnny reb hat, dirty workboots, and a certified pubestache.
According to others this was classic Stoney Roberts trying to jam too many 8 cylinders on a track with 4 cylinders.
God damn Stoney, always bringing in the demolition derby ringers.
Others had a different theory.
To me that makes the most sense right there. Them Colrain boys never got over their feud in regards to who got to eat the bacon when one of their prized hogs crossed state lines and got hit by a redneck on an ATV.
There was a lot going on in that fight, so it’s not exactly clear which ones were the Colrain boys, and which ones were the Vermont boys, but I’m pretty sure that guy tossing everyone around was the dude whose foot Shooter McGavin had to hit his ball off of with a 9 iron.
This was just one huge redneck orgy.
Colrain Kaepernick lost a shirt and a shoe in the process, although there was a 50/50 shot he showed up barefoot anyway.
Notice how no one in the crowd seemed the least bit fazed or surprised to see the mud orgy mating rights ritual transpiring in front of them. This is a tradition at the Cummington Fair. There were people sitting in lawn chairs patiently waiting to see who would be crowned winner of Franklin County Bachelorette 2021 and get to marry their second cousin. Others like Phil Robertson ran in to join the scrum.
Meanwhile the firefighters acted as security and just stood back and watched until the State Police got there 45 minutes later.
And did you notice this guy?
That dude right there is sick and tired of never being tall enough to go on the good rides at the Cummington Fair. So he had himself a redneck breakfast of Jack Daniels and painkillers, and took out his aggression by getting in a cheapshot kick when he thought no one was looking.
Doesn’t matter who he kicked or what side he was on. When you’re a Franklin County redneck and you see a pig pile, you don’t ask any questions before you just start kicking at it. Same time next year boys!
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