Drunk Man Kicked Out Of Haverhill Chinese Restaurant Attempts To Stab Man In Head With Blade


A YouTube channel self-defense channel called “Active Self Protection” shared a video over the weekend from Massachusetts showing a fight outside of a Chinese restaurant in Haverhill that could’ve turned deadly when one of the combatants attempted to go full OJ after being kicked out of the bar.

That video, which was actually horrific and scary, actually made me laugh several times. Don’t get me wrong, the guy with the knife (and all parties involved really) are horrible, and handled the situation horribly. But at least if you’re going to do something like this, make me laugh. Anecdotes like this one will go down in history:

Drunken Boob: “I’m from fucking Southie. I’m from Southie.”

Hardo: “I’m gonna knock you out buddy.”

Drunken Boob: “Good, knock me the f*** out. NO!! You can’t even do it. You two punch!! You couldn’t even knock me the f*** out!!”

And he did this all while wearing cargo pants.

His Jncos and carpenter jeans must’ve been in the wash. I haven’t seen a nice pair of cargo pants since the Bush 2 years.

Just to review what went down, it all began when the man showed up drunk to pick up his Chinese food at Yummy’s and caused a disruption inside that forced him to be kicked out.

Problem solved. At least it should’ve been solved at this point if the chinstrapped leprechaun just walked away and let the sober employee handle it. But for some reason the chinstrapped leprechaun wanted to get into a hardo battle of wits with a guy who hasn’t been sober since prohibition. You cannot reason with anyone this drunk.

Of course the women only made things worse by doing what many women unfortunately do in situations like this – yell, scream, and insert themselves into a violent altercation. Instead of calling 911 they blamed the cameraman for not calling 911, when in fact they should’ve been thanking him for filming horizontally.

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Do you understand how rare it is to get a video like this not filmed vertically? People who film stuff like this should be commended instead of blamed for not intervening. It’s not his fight. He’s there for us so that we can enjoy it later on.

It was a pretty humorous slap fight up until the point when the Southie slop donkey pulled out a blade.

Dude, you’re in Southie circa 1978. You can’t just knife random people anymore.

At this point the appropriate thing to do would be to run. This guy is clearly insane, drunk, has no f*** to give. But instead the chinstrapped leprechaun kept trying to be the hero no one asked for.

First he went for his knees.

When that didn’t work out he literally tried stabbing him in the face, and despite connecting with his hand that was holding the blade, did not cut the chinstrapped leprechaun.

Eventually all the men hid inside, but there was just one problem.

He forgot his wife. So he pushed the Southie slop donkey hoping that she would run towards the door and he would close it. But of course she stood there and did women things instead.

This led to some more hilarious open handed slaps that reigned down upon the chinstrapped leprechaun.

Then for some reason the camera man attempted to engage Mr. Cargo Pants in a conversation about what just happened, because clearly this was a man who could be reasoned with.

Cameraman: “You pulled a blade on them.”

Southie slop donkey: “I had to.”

Cameraman: “No you didn’t.”

Southie slop donkey: “What do you mean I didn’t?”

Cameraman: “You could’ve just walked away.”

Southie slop donkey: “Walked away from 5 guys?”

Cameraman: “Keep your distance.”

Southie slop donkey: “Shut the f*** up.”

Does this look like a who thought it wasn’t justified to pull out a knife and start stabbing chinstrapped leprechauns?

In his mind everything that just transpired was perfectly normal, and although he was confused when he was finally arrested, he didn’t really seem surprised by the fact that he was.

Just another Friday night out picking up Chinese food. This one was my favorite quote:

“Five people came at me. The Chinese guy was nice.”

You can say he’s a lot of things, but at least he’s not racist against the Chinese.

As it turns out the man who filmed the video is a man who was been featured on Turtleboy several times before.

Samson Racioppi – the cofounder of the heterosexual pride parade, who along with fellow organizer John Hugo has a face that just screams, “heterosexual sex.”

A man who came on the live show and walked out because we weren’t taking his straight pride parade seriously because we didn’t believe he was oppressed. A man who got Bret Killoran to say one of the greatest lines in Live show history, that ended up being made into a t-shirt.

Bristol Blarney was the one who hated this guy for some reason. I always thought Samson was harmless and funny, particularly when he accidentally befriended Josh Abrams.

Here’s what Samson wrote in the comments.


  • Samson thought the drunk was the good guy and wanted to film it in case he got hurt
  • He blames all parties for not de-escalating
  • When the drunk took out a knife Samson thought about pulling out his gun but chose not to because he trains in something called “Krav Maga” and said that he was “confident in my empty-handed skills,” because Samson is like Landon Steele on steroids and doesn’t need a gun to take down a bad guy
  • The crazy drunk guy flailing a knife everywhere “didn’t seem like much of a threat” to Samson because he is Captain Kung Fu
  • Samson is an Uber driver and as it turned out the drunk guy was the one he was there to pick up

There was a 0.0% chance Samson wasn’t going to take this opportunity to talk about whatever martial arts training he went through to prepare himself for a situation like that. That is the most Samson story of all time. Again, I got nothing against the dude, but only he could tell a story like that, and only he would find himself in that situation to begin with.


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