TB Investigates

Exploring Hampton Beach: The Walmart Of New England Beach Towns


Editor’s Note: Prior to the creation of TBDailyNews.com we published all of our content on Turtleboysports.com. Now that this is our primary domain I’m going to be migrating some of our bigger stories over to TBDN over time for the newbies. This 2015 Hampton Beach bone ride blog was a classic, and somehow it’s gotten worse since then!


I agreed to do the unthinkable today and go to Hampton Beach, but only so I could write a blog about it. Last fall we started a shitstorm with our family trip to the Big E, and today we’ll probably offend the 15-20 people who actually enjoy Hampton Beach. So on that note, I am going to lie through my teeth and pretend that I actually enjoy this magical Walmart of beach towns.

The best part about going to Hampton Beach is the fact that you get to wake up at 6:30 AM on the weekend. Because if you sleep a minute later they’ll double the parking rates on you, because the gypsies who run the parking lots there are honest businessmen like that. We got there around 9:30 today, which got us there just in time for the $20 rate. It’s a good thing we cut all those people off back at that light, because 20 minutes later this is how much it cost:


And there’s nothing I enjoy more than giving money to a guy with a cardboard sign because he invested in cheap property back in 1974. An hour later it cost this much:


That seems like a reasonable price to park in a lot full of syringes and broken dreams.

Hampton Beach is also widely known for it’s lodging at it’s 5 star motels that don’t come with any cockroaches.



11742840_1609100832706527_7781999350502443565_n 11745737_1609100836039860_1548532409215522699_n


Almost all of these world class motels come with a Maitre D. Normally he will be living in the trailer adjacent to your villa and he will give you some friendly reminders about how your stay may be more enjoyable. For instance, he might say, “Only three people are allowed in a room,” and “replacement keys are $35.” 

Despite the fact that you are paying him a ridiculous amount of money to sleep on a mattress covered in Hampton love juices, he will still treat you like you are a potential murderer who may or may not kidnap his first born child, and keep an eye on you all night to make sure you don’t sneak a 4th person into the room. Don’t take it personally though, this is just how people show affection at Hampton Beach.

If a motel doesn’t suit you though, you could rent property for a week. Hampton Beach homes are the east coast version of Malibu Beach. Only the swankiest of New England folk stay in some of these glorious abodes.

11742848_1609101159373161_722873682455936055_n 11750614_1609101142706496_131805975805071385_n

Because nothing says “I’ve made it in life” like a cone in your front yard, ivy growing all over the house, and an orange chair that someone stole from the basement of the VFW.

The hard part of course is keeping up with the Jones’s because chances are your neighbors take a lot of pride in their property as well. It’s not easy to keep up appearances when your jort-wearing neighbor who locks himself out of his house uses bed sheets as curtains.


Walking around Hampton Beach can be a cultural experience as well. Just like the Big E there is a never ending supply of fried dough and overpriced pizza:




You will see many people wearing what we refer to as the “Hampton Beach uniform” which normally consists of your oldest pair of jeans, Marshall’s brand sneakers, a beer belly, and chest hair.




Another option is the European look



But the above pictured fellas are kind of frowned upon. Not because Hampton goers have a problem with speedos, but rather because their bodies aren’t covered from head to toe in tattoos.




One of the best parts about going to Hampton Beach is aimlessly sitting in traffic while attempting to drive in circles around “the strip.”

11695789_1609100999373177_5416403078912266733_n (1)

Although it is preferred that you drive a motorcycle and rev your motor really loud so we can know EXACTLY how big your penis is. Nothing says, “I’m packing” like accelerating from 0-50 in 100 feet only to slam on your brakes because you’re still sitting in traffic.

Be warned though ladies – staring at some of the biker fupa too long may make you moist:


So bring a change of clothes with you.

At night there are many places where young people can go out and play. One of the best places is the Ballroom. Here you can see that guy who made that song that they used to play on Jammin 94.5 back in 1993, as he hangs onto some scraps that he calls a career.


Hampton is also one gigantic Spencer Gifts, so there’s plenty of stores where you can buy classy t-shirts that you can wear with your best friend the next time you go to church.

11742844_1609101362706474_6485828924634613520_n (1)

Just make sure that you are always standing directly next to each other and in the right order, or else the matching “Best Fucking Bitches” shirts won’t make sense.

And the t-shirt stores only cater to the type of people that you WANT to have at your resort destination


Speaking of church, Hampton does have accomodations for all the good God-fearing folk out there. It’s safe to say that this church right here,


has the smallest collection plate in the history of organized religion. You just need to make sure that you’re a practicing member of the religion known as “community church” or else the service won’t make much sense.

We do have to give a warning to all the ladies out there. If you fill up on the Hampton pizza, you’re probably gonna have to make a monster Hampton smash. And when you do, you’re gonna have to wait in a long line just like you had to do at the Big E


10628081_1465062373777041_1116787671672479833_n (1)

Better off farting it out.

And can I tell you how much I just LOVE the beach in general? You get to pack up all this shit, including food and water which get covered in delicious sand and turns a refreshing piss-warm in the 90 degree sun. Then you get to lug it all down to the small piece of sand you claim in a sea of New England’s finest. Your options after that include lying down and doing nothing, jumping into a gigantic body of water filled with cold delicious salt water and whale poop, or aimlessly walking around gawking at the future cast of Teen Mom.

After several hours have passed you finally get to leave this paradise, but not before fighting the lines to clean off your feet, so that your car doesn’t become Hampton Beach Jr.



And when you leave Hampton Beach, it’s always REALLY easy to get out of there. It’s not like you have to sit in traffic for another hour and a half as you wait for the draw bridge to allow a bunch of boats to head towards the infamous Hampton Beach marshland.


Because Hampton Beach is so amazing that for whatever reason there is a never ending supply of people who are willing to wait in line to experience what we just did.


Hopefully this is the last time I’ll ever see Hampton Beach. Probably not though.


Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonetization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the Donation button above if you'd like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy:  Qries