The Pumpkin Spice Mafia has been keeping a low profile lately but yesterday they re-emerged in New Bedford. Meet Britt Torres.
As you can see she has decorated her face like an unfinished game of Chinese Checkers and her kids can play cornhole with her earlobes.
She got her child’s name tattooed on her stomach, perhaps as a reminder that if you don’t shoot it there then you’re going to owe her child support too.
I have no idea what gender that child is, but I do know that when you name your kid Braylynn your odds of ending up on Turtleboy drastically increase. Here’s what happened to her and poor Bray at the Shaws in Dartmouth yesterday.
“The most terrifying experience I’ve ever faced since becoming a mother.”
Dear, you live in New Bedford. I assure you there are much more terrifying things to come in your future.
To review, this man was (gasp) looking at items for sale in a grocery store! And he was in her general vicinity at least 3 times! That’s literally never happened to anyone at a grocery store ever. You’re only allowed to cross paths with people once, OR twice (and even that is suspicious), and still get the benefit of the doubt that you’re not a Russian kidnapper.
First she saw him in the fruits section, where luckily her child alerted her to the danger. She wisely listened to her offspring, and assumed that their instincts were correct.
Then she saw him in the seafood section, evaluated the possibilities and determined that it COULD be a coincidence.
Then she saw in him the cereal section and that was the final straw!
Sex trafficker. Case closed.
Mom wisely called her sleeping baby daddy to tell him about her near death experience. He didn’t care and hung up.
But little did she realize that the kidnapper was listening in on her conversation, heard that she thought it was odd that he did’t have a shopping cart, and immediately went and got one to throw her off the scent.
Later on she saw him in the bakery section so close that she “could’ve heard his voice!!” Just look how close they were!!
Jesus Christ Fupastar!
After that she face-timed her sister while taking pictures of this predator and yelling at him until he walked away. The mentally imbalanced person in this situation was definitely him.
Finally she called a manager to safely escort her to her car without her or the child getting sex trafficked. They barely made it home alive, and she wisely posted about it on Facebook, smeared this guy’s face everywhere as a child kidnapper, and watched as the thousands of thots and shares rolled in.
Shockingly pretty much all of her friends have had the exact same thing happen to them! You can’t even go to the grocery store anywhere without getting sex trafficked these days.
Luckily not a single one of her friends commented that New Bedford Jesus might just be a regular guy looking to buy food at the grocery store, or suggested that she may have misinterpreted what happened. Certainly no one told her that she should’ve just talked to the man, rather than screaming at him and taking his picture in the middle of a grocery store. You must never, ever downplay a member of the Pumpkin Spice Mafia speaking her truth.
Oh, and she can’t get a gun because she has mental disabilities.
Good thing 2,700 clams blindly shared her post, made whoever this guy is a target, and flooded the Dartmouth Police with phone calls until they issued a statement on Facebook.
After the police made their post she began getting messages from people calling her a liar (can’t imagine why), so she posted this follow up.
“She saw me remain calm.”
For sure. Face-timing your Mom and baby daddy while screaming at a man and taking his pictures is practically the definition of remaining calm.
Yes dear, you did everything right. Not finishing your grocery shopping and getting a manager to escort you to your car prevented you and your child from being auctioned on a boat in the Caspian Sea. She didn’t leave earlier because she wanted “proof” and she found it when she saw the same man in the grocery store 3 separate times!
Plus, she never said that he was a sex trafficker or kidnapper, she just strongly implied it. Geez! You should always assume someone is a pedophile first and smear them on Facebook, just in case they are.
Now she is traumatized for life and will never feel safe in a grocery store after this harrowing incident, and instead of her friends helping her realize that this was probably a misunderstanding, they all fueled her disorder despite admitting that she is mentally unwell.
Editor’s Note – there was a meme here. I fell for it and took it down.
If anyone knows who New Bedford Jesus is feel free to reach out to me, or have him reach out to me on Facebook at Clarence Woods Emerson. Or email [email protected]. I’d love to have him and/or Chinese Checkers Chelsea on the Live show tomorrow night to sit down and figure out what happened.
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