Years ago when Providence was run by the Italian mafia it was a thriving city where people that wanted to visit. But it has since been taken over by Jorge Elorza, Kat Kerwin, Tiara Mack and the Equity mafia, and they’ve turned it into just another third world New England shithole. The results of their leadership were on display over the weekend at a bar in south Providence called Mi Sueno Disco. This might be the greatest ratchet fight video we’ve ever seen:
Why did the music stop? That was the best part! It was like watching a performance of Boriquas on Ice, except they were all wearing Jordan’s and no one knows how to skate. I don’t know who was on whose side, and I don’t think anyone participating in this expression of culture did either. The rules were simple – if you had a chair or a bottle of liquor in arm’s distance it was your obligation to pick it up and hit someone with it. Other than that, just try keep your balance as you exchange fisticuffs on a bed of a Corona, Hennessy, and broken dreams.
Let’s check out the play by play.
The video began with Food Stamps Fernandez (yellow shirt) tossing Pedro Pony Tail underneath a table.
But Pedro Pony Tail reacted quickly and donkey kicked Food Stamps Fernandez in the knees, causing him to go down like a Providence hooker after being tipped $20.
Pedro Pony Tail got up and connected with a left jab, but unfortunately he lost his flat brimmed hat when Food Stamps Fernandez pulled a Matrix on him.
Once the flat brimmed hat is dislodged all bets are off.
At this point two females came within 3 feet of each other, and by the rules of Ratchet Moses this meant they were required to fight. Her extensive training of watching World Star videos taught Vajayjay Vazquez (white) to immediately pull her opponent’s hair. This led to our first incident of incidental side boob.
At this point they disappeared off screen because the cameraman ignored his World Star training and filmed vertically instead of horizontally. Meanwhile, Food Stamps Fernandez was on the ground, and if you ended up on the ground at all in this video then it was really only a matter of time until someone hit you with a chair.
Since no one working there seemed to be doing much to stop it World Peace Wilfredo attempted to get all parties to cease fire. He was of course ignored because Pedro Pony Tail saw Stone Cold Face Frostin (red shirt) pummeling away on his amigo and had to do something.
As the crowd looked on and soaked in what has come to be a typical Saturday night out in Providence, Food Stamps Fernandez picked up a full bottle of Corona and chucked it at Pedro Pony Tail, preventing him from hitting Stone Cold Face Frostin in the back.
At this point chairs were just zooming across the room like flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. While Stone Cold Face Frostin continued to pummel an unknown male he was struck simultaneously by a free range chair and a bottle over the head from Diego Dos Eqis.
Pedro Pony Tail was still upset about the flat brimmed hat and was determined to hit someone with a chair. Didn’t matter who really, but until a chair was broken over someone’s back he would never have justice for what happened to the flat brimmed. Luckily someone prevented him from doing so.
Just feet away on the center stage Stone Cold Face Frostin had his prey on the ground begging for mercy, but he decided to deliver a punishing chair to the dome instead.
The camera then caught a glimpse of Vajayjay Vazquez dogwalking Sideboob Sanchez as Pablo Plumber’s Crack, armed only with a folding chair, attempted to break up the fight.
Pablo Plumber’s Crack might’ve been a bouncer there, so he went over towards Stone Cold Face Frostin right when Pedro Pony Tail was about to hit him with another stray chair he found in the rubble.
Normally you wanna hit your opponent over the head with the back of the chair because it’s bigger and is less likely to miss. Not Pedro Pony Tail though. He speared Stone Cold Face Frostin with the tip of the leg of the chair directly in the face.
That’s gonna take a couple hours to get touched up at the barber shop tomorrow.
The overdue child support gallery looked on in delight as Sideboob Sanchez struggled to cover up the Gerber servers.
Since Vajayjay Vazquez is a lady she allowed Sideboob Sanchez time to pull the spandex down before getting into a verbal altercation about whose bastard children had been in foster care the longest.
The security at Mi Sueno Disco must’ve recently finished up their training from the Uvalde Police Department because they emerged from a closet after the riot was pretty much over and the ovulation crustaceans were screaming out for help.
It’s unknown if anyone has been arrested, but it seems unlikely as this is probably a bimonthly occurrence. But if any of the individuals in this video would like to reach out to Turtleboy for comment about what happened they re free to message me on Facebook at Clarence Woods Emerson, or email [email protected].