We’ve done a lot of ratchet fight breakdowns on Turtleboy, but I think my favorite was this masterpiece at the Auburn Mall late in 2016.
Everyone and their mother is talking about the ratchet show that was on display yesterday at the Auburn Mall: (view here)
Holy Great Brook Valley!! I can smell the welfare and Sbarro’s from here. My question is, does this count as their exercise for the day? And does the perp walk count towards the fitbit goal of the day?
First of all, BIG shoutout to the cameraman for holding the phone sideways. You the real MVP. See that folks? It’s not that hard. This guy just gave us all so much more context and visual details that we never would’ve seen if he filmed this vertically.
Anyway, this is what happens when the Greendale Mall goes out of business. The hoodrat butter slugs invade Auburn. Let’s go to the tale of the tape from the beginning.
It starts off after some sort of altercation has taken place between these meatballs who more than likely rolled on in there from Webster Square. Apparently these deep fried couch potatoes took a break from their daily trip to Planet Fitness to use some of their hard earned EBT points to buy some Christmas gifts for all the nieces and nephews they hoard in their triple decker so that the electric company can’t turn the power off. Then there was some sort of disagreement, possibly because one of these cheesehogs took the last free sample from the Master Wok.
But things appear to have been calmed. A police officer has one of these Hatchimals in training in handcuffs in the background, and the Cambridge Street referee appears to have diffused the situation.
I love how they got dressed up for the occasion too. Normally they’d wear their standard Thursday outfit of pajama pants and broken dreams. But this was formal day. This was the day they went to the Auburn Mall. You gotta bust out the dress sweatpants for such a high class occasion.
Then out of nowhere you see a bunch of promotional brochures from the T-Mobile stand being thrown at the junior butterball in the black t-shirt. As a bunch of parents and small children in baby carriages watched, the Notorious P.I.G. in her finest shawl then pulled down the Latinx oompa-loompa by her hair:
Down goes the Thightanic!! And everyone was treated to a free Auburn Mall burlesque show
The lone police officer then had to leave the loud mouthed McMuffin in handcuffs and break up the Plumley Village waltz that was taking place ten feet south of there. Naturally the handcuffed Rhodes Scholar started barking orders from the sideline, because although she might be under arrest, a hoodrat boxing coach’s job is never really done.
I think we found Edwin Rodriguez’ next boxing opponent. Although he’d have to move up a couple weight classes to fight them.
You will also notice that at this time the creature with the shawl has magically lost her pants during this holiday donnybrook.
It wouldn’t be Christmas time at the Auburn Mall if your children weren’t forced to see a wall full of ass at the T-Mobile kiosk. Most people would stop what they’re doing and pull their pants up. Not this gravy dumpster though. She just keeps right on fighting in her panties, rolls be damned.
Meanwhile poor Santa Claus was watching the entire thing like it was an episode of Jerry Springer meets Animal Planet.
That face you make when you realize there isn’t enough coal at the North Pole for Worcester County this year. When Santa says “ho-ho-ho” at the Auburn Mall, he’s actually warning the kids to watch out for these laardvarks. Dem bitches is going right back on the naughty list.
It looks like Santa won’t be coming to Douglas Street this year. Again.
Not sure where Auburn Mall “security” is at this point, but the lone Auburn Police Officer used his other pair of cuffs to tame a mystery trap queen who we did not see in the video because she must have gotten lost in the sea of blubber. You’ll notice in the background the other creampuff is going to talk strategy with her coach, who of course is hocking a huge lungee right on the Auburn Mall floor.
Normal people would probably look at their surroundings, see all the families, Christmas decorations and Santa, and say, “maybe I should calm down for a couple minutes, or at least ask my friend to pull my shirt down a little bit.” Not these spelling bee champs though. It was like a Victoria’s Secret plus sized fashion show, except with more gratuitous use of the n word.
Thicky Minaj wasn’t done though. If she were smart she would’ve realized that she got lucky that this cop ran out of handcuffs and walked away to avoid arrest. But apparently the thought of sitting in an Auburn jail cell was more appealing to her (because she knows they have to buy her a Happy Meal), so she decided to walk over to the cop and take something (possibly her misplaced EBT card) out of his hands. The cop got the same look that she gave the guy at the Super Chinese Buffet who took the last crab raccoon:
She must’ve felt like she was getting proposed to:
LOL. Just kidding. She has no idea what marriage is.
Love how she says, “don’t f***ing touch me.” First of all, no one would voluntarily touch you. Secondly, has that ever worked with the police? Seems like a lower percentage move. But then again I’ve never thrown down at the Auburn Mall so what do I know?
Anyway, the cop rightfully threw her jolly ass down to the ground too. Then the other two pork chops who were already under arrest came over and started hollering about “free muh boi.” This picture of two hoodrats in handcuffs yelling at this poor cop who is trying to do his job basically sums up why Donald Trump is about to be President of the United States.
At this point the ghetto chubtard on the ground is yelling “I can’t breathe.” Because thanks to the good folks over at BLM, this is what the morbidly obese instinctively yell whenever they’re actively resisting arrest. Hey snowflake, I think we figured out why you can’t breathe:
Then finally towards the end of the video Paula Blart shows up on her segway, complete with hard hat on, because you can really hurt yourself cruising at 6 mph in the Auburn Mall. She was like, “everyone chill out – I got this. Just let me park my segway first.”
The cop then gives her the greatest “where the f*** have you been” look of all time.
It’s understandable that she took so long to get there. After all, the Auburn Mall is pretty massive. Oh wait, no it’s not. It’s the length of a football field and she didn’t even have to walk. Good thing she’s on payroll.
Here’s another thing about hoodrat culture – listening to cops is optional. When police tell normal people to sit down and shut up, they sit down and shut up. Not these geniuses though. They just keep on yapping about how they’re gonna call their imaginary lawyers.
Uh-oh!! Looks like someone’s got a case of the Dindu Nuffins! Paging Attorney Richard N. Vulva!!
Tip of the cap to the Auburn Police Officer who had to deal with these gutterslugs. These people are a plague that we have created with our culture of unlimited handouts and lowered expectations. People have a right to bring their kids out for family shopping without seeing a pack of wild warthogs pull each other’s pants off while yelling every racial slur in the book.