I was a little busy earlier in the week but meant to write a blog about the announcement that Brian Walshe was officially charged with murdering his wife on Ana on Wednesday. We knew this was coming, but the real story was the charging complaint that listed all of the things he Googled after killing her sometime in the early morning of New Years Day. They’re unreal, and confirm my theory that this was not premeditated, and that he likely just freaked out on her and went full OJ in a fit of rage. It’s a wild list of things he Googled though, so I figured I’d give you my Top 13.
13. January 1, 4:55 AM “How long before a body starts to smell?”
So basically this moron had no plan and wanted to see how long he could leave her dead body in the basement without anyone noticing.
12. January 1, 4:58 AM – “How to stop a body from decomposing?”
The answer to his first question was about 4 days, so he apparently wanted to see if he could delay the process because no one would notice she was missing as long as her dead body didn’t stink up the house.
11. January 1, 5:20 AM – “How to embalm a body?”
I started typing these questions out in order to see what would come up (hopefully no one dies in my house any time soon or I’m toast) and relive what was going through his mind. The answer to how to stop decomposing is to embalm the body, which this idiot obviously wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to do.
10. January 1, 9:34 AM – “How long does DNA last?”
I mean, what was his plan here? Maybe if he waits a week her DNA will disappear, he can dump her body somewhere, and no one will be the wiser? The answer is, like 500 years dude.
9. January 1, 5:20 AM – “How to bound a body?”
This was probably half an hour after her body was lying on the floor and he realized his embalming plan wasn’t gonna work out. The answer is rope dude. Rope. You didn’t have to Google or murder anyone that to know rope is superior to scotch tape when bounding a body.
8. January 1, 6:34 AM – “Can you throw away body parts?”
No, you have to throw them in the recycling bin, you absolute freaking tool.
7. January 1, 5:47 AM – “Ten ways to dispose of a dead body if you really need to.”
The best part was “if you really need to.” Like he was afraid Google was gonna be mad at him and call the cops if he didn’t add that caveat at the end. Did he think there would be a top 10 list of this somewhere? Why not just ask best way to dispose of a dead body? Or just not kill his wife?
6. January 3, 1:13 PM – “What is the rate of decomposition of a body found in a plastic bag compared to on a surface in the woods?”
Have the police ever had an easier job than the cops who investigated this jackwagon did? So I guess we know that part of her body is in a bag and another part is in the woods. He asked this question probably the day after he sprinkled bits and pieces of her remains across the north shore.
5. January 1, 11:34 AM – “Dismemberment and the best ways to dispose of a body.”
So at this point he had abandoned the dream of bounding her with rope and decided to go full mafia. Surprised he didn’t ask for the top 10 ways to dismember.
4. January 2, 12:45 PM – “Hacksaw best tool to dismember.”
Was this even a question? Sounds like you’ve got your mind made up dude. Sure sounds more efficient than an ax or a butter knife. The craziest part about this one was that the last Google before this was 24 hours prior. Like her body was just sitting somewhere in his house and then a light bulb went on and he remembered – oh yea, gotta get rid of that body.
3. January 2, 1:10 PM – “Can you be charged with murder without a body?”
Seriously bro, do you even murder? I’m not exactly an expert on murder and I know that people get charged with murder despite not having a body all the time.
2. January 1, 6:25 AM – “How long for someone to be missing to inherit”
The most amazing part about this one was that he Googled it 90 minutes after killing her, and right before “Can you throw away body parts?” That’s how much of an asshole this guy is. He hadn’t even devised a plan to get rid of her body and was already thinking about all the money he was going to inherit from her.
1. January 1, 1:21 PM – “Is it better to throw crime scene clothes away or wash them?”
I shouldn’t be laughing because a woman is dead, but this might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen a criminal say or do. This nudnik was trying to figure out if he had to depart with his favorite pair of slacks or if they could be salvaged.
I don’t even know what his defense is gonna be at this point. I think his only option is to say that she’s still alive and clearly framed him, because surely no one would be so stupid to Google all of those things right after killing his wife.