Townsend Woman Identified As Perennial Bandit From Milford NH House


If you live near Milford, NH and you’re missing perennials from your garden, this may be why.

Sometimes I thin I’ve seen it all, but then I remember what I do for a living and I realize that every day will show me a new side of humanity I never knew existed before.

The images of Driving Miss Daisies stealing perennials from a random woman’s property was shared widely because of the hilarious nature of this sort of crime, and finally the woman’s neighbors recognized her.


According to sources the carnation bandit’s name is Eileen MaGuire.

She likes flowers a lot, particularly when they’re free. No chrysanthemums in southern New Hampshire are safe with her roaming the streets.

Townsend isn’t far from Milford, but it’s not exactly a short ride either, so these flowers must’ve been worth the gas money. She might be a little bit nuts, but you can’t say she’s not dedicated. When she flowers she wants, she goes and gets them. Period. It was apparently worth crossing state lines over too, so I guess that means the FBI is going to have to investigate this one.

According to her LinkedIn the poppy plunderer is a former Leominster Middle School teacher, a “gifted researcher”, a “communicator,” and the author of not one, not two, but THREE unpublished novels.

Unpublished novels are my favorite novels because I can read them so fast. Also stuff like this is why I don’t bother with LinkedIn:

“Creative and innovative designer of working spaces. Customer-focused, adept at details, extremely passionate but grounded in common sense and astute observations.”

None of that means anything. It’s just a collection of words thrown together to sound good. That’s 95% of LinkedIn right there.

I don’t know what she does for a living now besides steal flowers, but she claims to have previously worked as a middle school Spanish teacher in Leominster, an adjunct professor in Gardner, a PhD candidate in Binghamton, and was the owner of a catering company for five years before that.

Is there anything she can’t do? Besides pay for her own flowers.

Anyway, if Eileen would like to come on the live show with me to explain why she’s doing this, I’d love to have her on.


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