Yesterday the City of Fitchburg was abuzz after a mysterious and brazen woman was caught on home video stealing an extremely large pumpkin off of someone’s porch.
The memes were fantastic.
You know your life is going according to plan when you’re stealing pumpkins off people’s porches in Fitchburg at 11:52 AM on a Tuesday. Maybe she needed to borrow it for tonight because the Fitchburg Fairy Godmother was gonna turn it into an Escalade so she could go to the Ball.
As fate would have it this was just one of several homes she hit up yesterday on her quest to acquire all the prized pumpkins in the Burg.
Damn, home girl got wheels! For a second there I thought that was Derrick Henry running for the first down on third and long. In fairness, picking up pumpkins and sprinting 20 yards with them counts as Cross Fit in Fitchburg. Go big or gourd home!
As you can imagine, it wasn’t hard to find the Fitchburg Fupa Pumpkin Pirate, especially since she was in the paper a couple months ago holding a candle with her boyfriend at a Uvalde vigil.
No word if she stole those to use for the Jack-o-Lantern. Maybe he thought the pumpkins were his long lost brothers?
The Fitchburg Fupa Pumpkin Pirate’s name is Meghan Ramos, and as you probably predicted she is an aspiring plus sized model.
Her boyfriend Doug is a world famous DJ and record producer.
So perhaps she was looking to start a band called the Snatching Pumpkins? I mean, she’s really not THAT much worse than Billy Corgan.
And…..now I have ear cancer. But I also might eye cancer too after watching a small sampling of the hundreds of Tik Tok videos she’s made shaking her rolls in various exotic locations like the garage, the bathroom, and the glamorous Fitchburg sidewalks.
Contrary to popular belief, you are not required to shop in the children’s section at Marshalls when picking out your Tik Tok outfits. They do in fact make shirts that don’t make your belly look like an ice cream cone melting all over your hands on a 90 degree day.
Sorry, but “positivity only” is just a slogan these Lizzo Laardvarks hide behind to avoid exercising. There is nothing healthy, attractive, or cool about diabetes. It’s great that you’re not depressed about the way you look, but no matter how much you tell the world that you “love yourself,” you should not be celebrating morbid obesity.
Of course she’s woke too.
Because nothing tells me you support BLM quite like stealing shit from other people.
Anyway, after she was identified she immediately returned the pumpkins.
Meghan is also an Instacart delivery driver, so she knew where to find the good ones. But she also should know better than anyone that most homes have cameras at the front door now. Nevertheless she’s been telling people that she was delivering groceries to these homes, and the whole thing was a misunderstanding. Because somehow you can be tasked with bringing groceries to a person’s house and then accidentally run off with a 30 pound pumpkin. A real misunderstanding.
Anyway, if the Fitchburg Fupa Pumpkin Pirate would like to come on the Live Show to share her side of the story she is more than welcome to email turtleboy[email protected], or message Clarence Woods Emerson on Facebook.