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Law and Order

Springfield Police Announce Arrest Warrant For Man Seen Flogging The Dolphin At Stop & Shop, Identified As Michael Jordan


The other day we published a blog about a man who was caught on film pleasuring himself in the Stop & Shop parking lot at Springfield Plaza.

The face he gave wasn’t one of embarrassment or shame, but rather of disappointment. Almost as if the fully clothed woman he was punching the clown to was at fault for filming his stroke game in broad daylight while sitting in the front spot of a grocery store parking lot.

The Springfield Police announced they are arresting him, but have not released his name because he hasn’t been arrested yet.

His name, I swear to God, is Michael Jordan. And since the basketball Hall of Fame is in Springfield, you can imagine that nothing useful comes up when you search “Michael Jordan Springfield.” But he apparently has done this many times before, including at hospitals.


Some of us golf on the weekends. Other people drive to random parking lots in the middle of the day and choke the chicken in full sight of anyone in the general vicinity who wants to see him beat his bologna baton like it owes him money. This weekend was Stop & Shop, last weekend was the hospital, and the weekend before was Home Depot. And if you think he’s bad now, just wait until the economy reopens.


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