Ratchet Madness

Ratchet Madness 2021 Round 2: Biblow Region


Voting is completed in Round 2 of the Guttermuppet Region and we have our first four ratchets who advanced to the Ratchet Madness Sweet 16. Not one of these matchups was close.


A 7 vs. 14 – didn’t see that one coming. Also Giannetti will finally have his hands full next week as Beast Lightning is vastly underrated rathcet.

Now it’s time to vote for who should advance to the Sweet 16 in the Biblow Region. You can vote in each matchup underneath the ratchet resumes.


1. Waraq vs. 9. Jihad Jimmy and Captain Thunder Thighs

1. Waraq

  • Gangsta rap group that reads lyrics off their iPhones and performs primarily in backyards, swamps, and poorly lit basements
  • Every video requires long haired creature popping out of mystery hiding spot halfway through, followed by transgender Janeane Garofalo throwing a hammer for absolutely no reason
  • Claim to be the hottest rap group in the country who will inevitably be making millions of dollars a year on record deals, but don’t seem to understand that everyone is laughing at them
  • Incited a riot that ended in the destruction of a police cruiser and the looting of the mall at a black lives matter protest and were officially declared a gang by the Providence Police
  • Started GoFundMe scam to get lead rapper a face tattoo to “change hip hop for the better” but likely ended up pocketing the meager donations they accumulated


9. Jihad Jimmy and Captain Thunder Thighs

  • Ratchet immigrants from Mexico and Yemen who ended up in Holyoke
  • She has tattoo above her reproductive organ
  • Owned a pit bull named Stinky that they allowed to bite and kill another dog
  • Blamed the owner of the dead dog in a Facebook post for trying to pry his dog from Stinky’s jaws
  • Had the dog for over a year and never got required shots
  • Police report showed that everything she posted was a lie, and that Stinky was unleashed in the yard
  • Started a GoFundMe to bring Stinky home that included a legendary sentagraph, when in fact Stinky was going to be put down regardless
  • He told the victim on Facebook that the victim’s dead father was ashamed of him
  • After a picture of the dead dog was posted he accused the victim of screaming and crying, and not composing himself “like a man,” after watching his chihuahua get ripped to shreds
  • She claimed the pit bull was the victim because the chihuahua was a great fighting dog
  • Accused the victim of being a scam artist despite the fact that they had a GoFundMe for their killer dog that was being put down anyway
  • She also accused the witnesses who saw his dog on the sidewalk (not her lawn) of making up a lie and jumping her with 10 family members in another periodless novella
  • Followed the victim to Hatfield and used drones to harass him, so a judge granted the victim a restraining order
  • Started a GoFundMe for no apparent reason and haven’t explained how this money will bring Stinky home to them to terrorize the neighborhood some more.



5. Rotund Rousey vs. 13. Ludlow Slugpump Sisters

5. Rotund Rousey

  • Violently beat a woman with her Obamaphone at the Saugus Walmart
  • Has a litter of children from various fathers
  • Frequently posts pictures emphasizing her rumpus in an attempt to attract the next mate
  • Blamed the violent assault on racism
  • Told witness who disputed her claim, “how about you suck the d***, I’ll put this dildo strap my sister has in her purse rig hut down your throat, I don’t have from the f***in BACK,” called him a rate, and said tht he deserved a beating too
  • Threatened to fight multiple other people in the comments section, including men


13. Ludlow Slugpump Sisters

  • Sisters Danielle and Jessica made headlines after getting arrested twice in a month for violent offenses
  • First came outside of a Springfield bar when they knocked a friend of their’s unconscious for the crime of being friends with Jessica’s ex-boyfriend
  • Five weeks later the younger sister Danielle had another incident revolving around a dude and ended up getting arrested for assaulting some WNEC cops
  • Dad Kenny mocked Danielle for not being able to stay drug free for more than 12 minutes
  • Jessica started fundraiser at the end of November for her sister, alleging that Danielle was paralyzed in the hospital with brain damage after some friends of her’s roofied her and raped her, and she’s raised over $1,100 for her bills
  • Said that unnamed friends drugged her and left her unconscious, presumably after having their way with her, her brain doesn’t work and she can’t talk or walk, her legs no longer work and may never work again, her medical bills will be sky high with no explanation as to why insurance isn’t paying for it, and she went an undisclosed amount of time without oxygen going to her brain and is somehow alive
  • Many accused Danielle of overdosing on drugs, and Jessica using it as an opportunity to scam people with a GFM
  • Immediately began posting themselves purchasing expensive things on Facebook
  • Danielle admitted in text messages that she was no longer in the hospital
  • Danielle owed money to Jessica, and Dad Kenny decided the best way to repay the debt would be for Jessica to scam people with this elaborate GoFundMe scam
  • Kenny himself in text messages said that Danielle had heroin, fentanyl, cocaine, acid, and partridge and a pear tree in her blood, along with bruises consistent with sexual assault
  • Dad blamed the whole thing on a guy named John, who he said normally gets his drugs from Jessica, but Jessica wouldn’t sell him drugs because she knew that they would end up with her sister
  • Danielle was allegedly brain dead and can’t walk, yet has been messaging and friend requesting people for weeks
  • Zero evidence or bills were provided to back up story
  • Jessica preemptively wrote Turtleboy long winded message that made no sense at all in an attempt to prove her innocence after hearing rumblings that she would end up on TB
  • Claimed that my reputation would be on the line and that no one would ever donate to TB if I blogged about her




6. Connor McBootlegger vs. 14. Enfield Penis Colada

6. Connor McBootlegger

  • Bootleg MMA fighter who started a GoFundMe for his friends funeral expenses then refused to hand over the money to the family because they wouldn’t let him spend the money he raised on a Budweiser tattoo
  • Told the family member he was lucky to get anything and accused him of being on drugs
  • Haggled over the cost of a wake and flowers, thinking that somehow leftover money would go to him
  • Previously featured on Turtleboy for soliciting friends to smash up his car with bat in an insurance fraud scheme
  • Frequently trashes his baby momma in ratchet Facebook posts and uses the n word
  • Once was arrested for malicious destruction of a car



14. Enfield Penis Colada

  • Woman whose pit bull was shot and killed by police after biting her man-bunned son’s girlfriend in the neck and nearly killing her
  • Attempted to stop the dog by throwing water on it
  • Covered in tittoos, has multiple baby daddy’s, and regularly uses phrases like “work flow bitch”
  • Threatened to have her “big ass dog” maul some kids who tried to steal her teenage sons’ scooters
  • Has “a lot” of sons who have their friends over playing Fortnite late into the evening
  • Posted on Facebook that the next time someone tried to steal their scooters she vowed to unleash the pit bull and the children to “rock the s*** out of whoever the f*** it is.”
  • Brags about how well life is going while living in a slum with teenage children who sit on the stoop all day flashing gang signs
  • Still has more pit bulls she allows around her smaller children
  • Frequently vows to fight women in ratchet Facebook posts
  • Claimed to be reformed from previous self, who was presumably even more ratchet
  • Uses phrases like “catch a case behind a bum” and “word to Gods”




2. Big Black Jeffrey vs. 7. Brockton Retardy B

2. Big Black Jeffrey

  • Drag queen who posts pictures of himself naked or scantily clad with underage girls in hot tubs drinking alcohol in various hotel rooms, and sees nothing wrong with any of this
  • Messaged me demanding the blog came down and then vowed massive deformation lawsuits
  • Accused by many girls of sexual assault
  • Blamed the children’s mothers for allowing them to hang out with him in hotel rooms and drink alcohol
  • Posted pictures of one victim who has an active stay away order against him
  • Posted a picture of himself naked in a lake with the message “drowning in sex”
  • Went to the West Springfield Police Station to have me charged while he was under investigation for providing alcohol to minors who he had sex with
  • Went on Facebook Live and admitted to performing oral sex on a girl who was passed out from alcohol he got for her while live streaming it to Instagram:     
  • Applied for 2 harassment orders against me and showed up to court dressed as a woman where he made a fool of himself while ranting to the judge about how he got fired from his job for being a sexual deviant
  • Posted to a 15 year old girl on Facebook, “I’d slap the s*** out of a fat black b****and jump off a bridge for you I wanna make babies wit your godly luscious beautiful face I wanna cum all over”




7. Brockton Retardy B

  • “Aspiring rapper,” which of course means he’s unemployed, sells mediocre weed, has $0 in savings, and no intention of planning for the future because the odds that he’ll live that long are slim to none
  • Videos are often shot from such glamorous locations as Brockton parking lots, and feature flat brimmed Bulls hats, Henny, imaginary guns, section 8 apartments, and shoutouts to friends from Taunton who went to jail for first degree murder whilst trying to keep it 100
  • Shot his baby momma in the head in a failed attempt to kill her, then shot himself in a failed attempt to kill himself and make it look like he was shot during a robbery
  • Posted non-stop gangsta nonsense on his Facebook page about what a hardo he is, how much money he makes selling drugs, and how large his male member is
  • Live streamed himself mentally abusing the woman he eventually shot for allegedly cheating on him while he was in jail
  • Justified his abusive behavior to the haters by saying “you ain’t never been in love 100 emoji”
  • Insisted he was a good father despite live streaming his abuse with them in the room





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Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonetization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the Donation button above if you'd like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy:  Qries