Ratchet Madness 2023 Round 2: Fupasloth Region


Voting is now officially over in the First Round of Ratchet Madness. Here are the final 8 Ratchets who have survived and advanced to the next round in the Laardvark Region.

Poor Bret is such a failure he can’t even win in Ratchet Madness. Sad.

Now it’s time to decide which 4 ratchets should advance to the Sweet 16 in the Fupasloth Region. You have 24 hours to vote for which ratchet is most deserving in the following matchups. Ratchet resumes attached with links to relevant blogs below.


1. Mike Fucci vs. 9. Councilor Crackzilla

1. Mike Fucci

  • Pretended to have cancer in order to raise $20K for a fraudulent GoFundMe
  • After getting caught said it was a miscommunication with his doctor despite previously telling extensive details about meetings with team from Dana Farber
  • Never told mistress #1 he was married, convinced her to have his baby, then abandoned her and never paid child support
  • Told mistress #1 he was going to buy her a $1.7 million home belonging to someone else in Lynnfield that wasn’t for sale, bought a bunch of furniture, tried to get her mother to quit job and become their nanny, then broke up with her when she went to the home
  • Denied he was the father until DNA test came through, then told everyone that he was raped
  • Accidentally showed paperwork from AGO during rant about Charlie Baker, showing that he was under investigation for wage theft in prison release program
  • Has worked a grand total of 3 days in the last 20 years before being fired as a chef at Watertown restaurant
  • Claimed to be a celebrity chef worth $27 million, but told judge in RO hearing that he was not a celebrity chef
  • Never paid dozens of employees and berated them for asking to get paid while flaunting cash and going on spending sprees at the casino
  • Admitted that he abused an elderly man by swearing at him after not shoveling sidewalk in front of failing Needham business
  • Raised money for a fake homeless charity for veterans
  • Has several court judgements against him for not fulfilling catering services for clients, including standing people up on their wedding days and screwing over a youth church group
  • Stole from the Jimmy Fund
  • Tried to fight a guy in a parking lot for not showing him enough respect on a Facebook group
  • Wrote cookbook he had for sale which several people paid for and didn’t receive
  • Convinced his wife who is the sole breadwinner to sell her condo and move in with her parents in order to finance his business
  • Tried and failed to get an order on me and have me charged with a crime for knocking on front door of his wife’s parent’s home
  • Exploited death of Red Sox pitcher he didn’t know that well for likes on social media
  • Immediately tried to find new women online after losing in court and was identified on Facebook group used to ID dangerous men


9. Councilor Crackzilla

  • Live streamed herself getting close to shooting victim’s corpse near her house before getting called out by family and removing video
  • Makes extremely cringe TikToks with daughter who she uses as a prop for likes
  • Wants to ban asphalt in Boston because it’s racist and leads to black people getting killed
  • Live streamed herself in Dorchester High School bragging about all the ways she used to skip school before barely graduating
  • Made Twitter account private after allegations surfaced that she had been involved in drunk driving incident that was covered up by rogue Boston cop
  • Denied smoking crack despite noticeable change in appearance, erratic behavior, and bags under her eyes in short period of time
  • Refused to comment on allegations, then blamed it on white supremacy
  • Sued Turtleboy for deformation, then hired scumbag attorney previously charged with strangling ex-wife, violating RO, and striking 2 kids




13. Rochanna Buckley vs. 5. Middleboro Mushroom Tip Moses

13. Rochanna Buckley

  • Spends all day on YouTube live streaming with other unemployed losers while pretending to run two businesses that don’t have any customers
  • Cheated on husband in backseat of a car but threatened to take the kids if her husband did not accept this arrangement
  • Teamed up with well known child abuser to conspire to take down Turtleboy in something called “Team Storm”
  • Was so concerned with TB’s private life that she sent a t-shirt to my house with a morbidly obese woman that contained a QR code to a Team Storm video
  • Claims to be working on massive criminal case that will send Turtleboy to jail
  • Wrote one of the funniest “cease and desist” emails of all time, claiming that I am attempting to intimidate her from cooperating in a criminal investigation against me for felony charges


5. Middleboro Mushroom Tip Moses

  • Posted that her 19 year old daughter died from an overdose on a Facebook group for people looking for drug addicted family members who use fentanyl on Mass Ave
  • Said she needed a ride to the hospital on Cape Cod, but couldn’t afford to pay for one in a ploy to raise money
  • Daughter wasn’t really dead and she just wanted money to get high
  • She had done this before
  • Told people she just wanted to say goodbye to her daughter’s dead body and asked for help getting there
  • Refused offers to have Ubers paid for and only wanted cash
  • Lashed out at people who began asking questions
  • Has 4 charges in the last 2 years for stealing people’s credit cards to get cash from stores so her and “roommates” could smoke crack
  • Stole her coworkers credit card from Dunkin Donuts and withdrawing money from her account
  • Called family friend, pretended that her daughter needed medication, asked for a ride to the pharmacy, got that friend to pay for a meal, and then rewarded her generosity by stealing her credit cards
  • Has violated probation dozens of times with no consequences




14. Granite State Junkie Flunkie vs. 11. Salem Tiktok Taco

14. Granite State Junkie Flunkie

  • Career criminal and former junkie who monetized fentanyl addiction recovery for hundreds of millions of dollars
  • Social media is almost exclusively dedicated to flaunting his wealth while referencing how he used to be a junkie
  • Close friend and employee was caught trafficking fentanyl across state lines, leading to cancellation of meeting with Mike Pence
  • Was awarded more than $3 million in no-bid contracts to house people waiting for treatment or in need of shelters due to close relationship with Governor Sununu
  • Impregnated drug addicted woman from one of his homes
  • Made a fortune off the opiate epidemic, receiving money from healthcare companies and the government (Medicaid) who referred patients to him
  • Sued NPR after accurate, well sourced story in which several female employees and addicts accused him of sexual misconduct
  • Constantly used snapchat to send unsolicited dick pics to women he had power over who were in recovery
  • Attempted to silence victims by threatening to sue NPR before their story came out
  • Told a woman in crisis that that sex was part of the 12 step process
  • Bullied former friends and employees into retracting statements by threatening attorneys on them
  • Likely hired someone to throw a brick through NPR reporter’s windows at parent’s home in Melrose
  • Business associate was arrested shortly after brick incident for badly beating a man who had information in Manchester



11. Salem Tiktok Taco

  • Made TikTok video where she threatened a bunch of 13 year olds who she claimed were mean to her son
  • Vowed deformation lawsuits from lawyer uncle
  • Messaged me, claiming not to be ratchet, and urging further deep dive into her background, turned out to be much more ratchet than I thought
  • Has 6 children constantly being bullies and in and out of court
  • Goes off in the tik tok claiming her son is getting harassed and threatened on snapchat to be jumped but that’s exactly what her daughter got arrested for doing when she was 14
  • Conceived 2 children with a Level 3 sex offender, guilty of rape and abuse of a child, and said this was OK because she had done her research and discovered that he was not in fact a child molester
  • Her and sex offender filmed themselves pulling a BB gun on their landlords who lived upstairs after they allegedly didn’t fix something
  • Did nothing to de-escalate the dangerous and volatile situation with her kids in the house as he defended their bedsheet curtain ratchet Alamo she swore like a trucker
  • Their 13 year old son had 59 absences from school, constantly got suspended for bullying other kids and destroying school property, has been arrested multiple times for serious offenses including robbing someone at knifepoint for $3, witnessed her revolving door of boyfriends get into domestic disputes with her, and was constantly neglected despite being at risk
  • Probation department filed a 51A with DCF against both parents. According to the document the family has a “long history with DCF.” Wyatt alleged that Michelle bought her son a BB gun that was used to shoot another child, and the court was concerned about the mental health of their 2 children because they were constantly exposed to “verbal abuse” between their parents
  • Procreated with man named Macho who messaged page to inform us that we “messed with the wrong one.”
  • Posted prank video of 10 year old daughter opening package she thought had headbands but really had a vibrator of Mom
  • Threatened my home in Woburn, which is not a place I’ve ever lived
  • Said it was actually me who is the bad parent because she read some stuff on the Internet about me being “rasist” from other ratchets who lost their kids to DCF
  • Constantly begging on Facebook for other people to pay for her kid’s cheerleading
  • Vowed deformation lawsuits
  • “These little mother f***ers that think they’re gang bangers, and mind you my son got mouth, not denying that. They talking about my son’s gonna die, they gonna kill my son, they gonna jump my son. Do y’all mother f***ers know who his mother is? Just wondering. Because I wish somebody would. Get your kids lady, get your kids.”




10. Timbuk Tittoo and Buffet Burritos vs. 15. Nigerian Nugget Nutter

10. Timbuk Tittoo and Buffet Burritos

  • Forced children age 8-16 to drive to New York City to panhandle, despite none of them having a license, so that they didn’t have to get jobs
  • After 5 of them were killed in a midnight car accident they immediately made $67K off a GoFundMe that was shared in the media
  • One of the mothers is a face tattooed ratchet who got upset when people were donating to a GoFundMe that she was not able to control the money for
  • Turns out 5 of the 6 kids had the same Dad, but different Moms, and they were all living a polygamous lifestyle and never enrolled any of their kids in school


15. Nigerian Nugget Nutter

  • Athol pot shop owner who posted insane video outside his shop threatening to kill former employees and their family members
  • Said I’ll put a bounty on you. I’m from the street n***a!! If you EVER f*** with my business, I’M a dog you!! I’m a dog you!! I’m a f*** you!! I will dog you!! BANG, BANG!!! I’m a n****a bro!! “I will kill you!!! I will come from everybody!! Your whole family tree! I will BAM, BAM, BAM!! You f*** with me you f*** with the wrong n***a!
  • Previously arrested for exposing himself in Starbucks, despite being paraded around as a woke civil rights activist and youngest black pot shop owner in the country
  • In October was arrested by Athol Police for failing to show up for a court hearing to review his probation as part of a plea deal for another case he made in October
  • Woman alleged in a viral October LinkedIn post that he sexually harassed and assaulted her following a series of inappropriate texts and phone calls. She urged the CCC to revoke his license but they never did
  • Former employees have accused him of sleeping with staff, locking them in the store against their will under threat of being fired, manipulating security footage, vowing to only hire strippers with big asses, threatening to fight staff, and much more
  • Made an IG post stating that all missing money would be taken out of the paycheck of the General Manager (who claims the threats in the video were directed at him), and warned potential applicants to “think carefully” before applying for the job
  • Said that any employee who made a mistake would “see the other side of me and I promise you will not like it.”
  • Said sexual harassment will only be allowed if its consensual, and he encourages employees to marry each other
  • Likely robbed his own shops in elaborate GoFundMe scam from other store in Oregon
  • Vowed to only hire black people on his executive team, but couldn’t find any black people in Athol




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