Ratchet Madness 2023 Round 2: Laardvark Region

 

Ratchet Madness 2023 voting is concluded in the Guttermuppet Region and here are the 4 ratchets who will be advancing to the Sweet 16.

Another one seed bites the dust! Those were all pretty close, with Hoochy Yamaguchi advancing by just 3 votes. Every vote counts in Ratchet Madness!

Time to vote for who our last four Sweet 16 finalists will be in the Laardvark Region. As usual we give you their ratchet resumes and links to relevant blogs about the contestants. You have 24 hours to cast your vote. Sweet 16 starts Monday.

 

1. Councilor Crusty Creampie vs. 8. Providence Boriqueef Mom

1. Councilor Crusty Creampie

• BLM rioter who got elected to Boston City Council on a platform of abolishing police and replacing police details with ex-cons
• Defended accused rapist friend Ricardo Arroyo and continued to promote his campaign for District Attorney after women came forward
• Nearly started a riot by encouraging a mob to descend on City Hall to support her alleged rapist colleague
• Claimed at a meeting that she gets daily threats calling her a “n***er whore,” which she was using in an attempt to silence the sister of another City Councilor on Twitter
• Public records request for her emails showed that not once did she ever receive an email with either of those words
• Lives in government subsidized housing that she no longer qualifies for due to the salary raise she voted to give herself
• Has multiple evictions and still owes money to a lactation consultant on a 6 year old bill
• Allowed herself to be filmed naked by a Boston teacher who bragged about just finishing anal sex with her while she combed her autistic son’s hair without pants on

 

8. Providence Boriqueef Mom

• Reproduced several times and has a litter of fatherless free lunchers
• Live streamed herself drinking and driving on Facebook
• Arrested in 2017 for a hit and run that injured a 15 year old girl
• Had 27 criminal cases, including 14 warrants for her arrest, before and after the hit and run
• Other charges include felony shoplifting, conspiracy, first degree robbery, kidnapping, felony assault and battery, using counterfeit money, and drug possession, has picked up charges in North Providence, Providence, Cranston, and Warwick, and is banned from Cranston Stop & Shop and Warwick Walmart
• Lost her license a bunch of times, which does not even remotely act as a deterrent to prevent her from driving
• Makes Facebook posts about loving her kids but had to be dragged to court by the sperm donor for child support
• Allows 4 year old daughter to ride shotgun despite the fact that the seatbelt doesn’t even remotely come close to covering her body
• Always gets court appointed attorney but has plenty of money to get her nails done and buy Apple watched and jewelry

 

 

 

12. Prison Pen Pal Poonstank vs. 13. PCP Paulie and Crystal Methuen

13. PCP Paulie and Crystal Methuen

• Went down to the Dollar Store in Lawrence to do a little shoplifting but ended up stealing a car that someone had left running
• Unfortunately for PCP Paulie he found out after he stole it that there was a baby in the backseat so he got together with his girlfriend Crystal Methuen and they ditched the little girl at a hospital
• She had 3 outstanding warrants at the time of arrest
• Crysal Methuen’s Facebook page shows us that she has a history of robbing stores and then immediately selling the merchandise with the price tags still on them for half price on Facebook
• Newspaper described PCP Paulie as Crystal Methuen’s “on again off again boyfriend,” but a month ago she was expressing her undying love for him, while stating that “no one can ever say anything bad about you”
• He has Google trophies for OUI drugs, being a fugitive from justice, and repeated probation violations
• She had active warrants on her for violating her probation on two cases, including an arrest for being passed out driving her car while under the influence of fentanyl
• On court day she did what she did on most of her scheduled piss test days – got high, blew PCP Paulie, and defaulted

 

 

12. Prison Pen Pal Poonstank

• Boston City Councillor who never felt the need to mention that she married her husband while he was 9 years into a life sentence for murdering an immigrant he had set up to be robbed by his hooker friend
• Quite possibly the most ratchet and ghetto elected official in the history of democracy
• Posted that Boston has too many white teachers, firefighters, cops, and other public servants
• Brought a mob of ratchets to City Hall today to defend accused rapist colleague in the trashiest way possible
• Told 2 white colleagues “don’t come for me, because if you want smoke you’ll get smoke”
• Began banging on table yelling “What the FUCK do I have to do in this FUCKING council in order to get respect as a black woman?”
• Encouraged the mob she brought to nearly start a riot outside the City Council chambers

 

 

 

3. Sharon Hernandez  vs. 6. Narcan Naniburger and Wigmaster Willy

3. Sharon Hernandez

• 19 Year old woman arrested in Princeton alongside Aaron Hernandez’ prison boyfriend Kyle “Pure” Kennedy with shotgun and ski masks, which means they were almost definitely on their way to or from a planned home invasion
• Turned out to be Kennedy’s stepsister, who was in a sexual relationship that they documented extensively on social media
• Got matching face tattoos as a symbol of her unending love and devotion
• Destiny appears to be working the poll for food stamps at Sweaty Betty’s daytime shift
• Aspiring career as an auto-tuned singer whose music was promoted and paid for by her suburban mother
• I would rather listen to the howling sounds of pleasure coming out of Kyle Kennedy’s pole polisher while Aaron Hernandez laid his claim to him in Cell Block D than I would ever hearing this Chloe Chlamydia attempt to sing while spread eagle on a Cadillac
• Took graduation photos in skimpy bikini revealing etch-a-sketch body tattoo

 

 

6. Narcan Naniburger and Wigmaster Willy

• Shared a link to a story about one of his triple chinned friends who was suing the Plymouth Police for shooting him after he shot at his wife and child, before shooting at police when they arrived
• Despite never paying taxes was really upset that tax dollars are going to fund to public safety
• Held protest against the police for harassing him due to the fact that he’s a junkie
• Has Google trophies from courthouses all across the south shore, including a wide array of misdemeanors, felonies, and evictions
• Arrested outside of Walmart for A&B on an elderly person but said it wasn’t his fault because he called for an Uber but couldn’t fit all the stuff he paid for with his food stamps into the car, the driver tried telling him this, which caused Wigmaster Willy to freak out, assault him, and jump on the hood of his car
• Wigmaster Willy is the one who called the cops on the man he assaulted, despite the fact that he supposedly hates the police, so he would’ve gotten away with it if his first inclination wasn’t to call them and snitch on the Uber driver
• Created 2 babies with junkie girlfriend Carissa – the one in the police report from Walmart who refused to talk to police, probably because he has a tendency to smack her around whenever she disobeys
• She dumped him in April so Wigmaster Willy broke into her apartment in the middle of the night, went into a rage, she called the cops, and then he began beating the shit out of her while she was on the phone with police
• Narcan Naniburger had no intention of leaving him or cooperating with the DA’s office after that but luckily the DA’s office believes they can convict him with just the 911 audio
• Is on probation pretty much all the time, but he almost never abides by the terms and manages to stay out of jail anyway
• Girlfriend was arrested and charged twice in one week last year for violating a restraining order that her neighbor in the projects got on her
• When police arrived Wigmaster Willy refused to cooperate, whipped out his cell phone and began filming himself calling the responding officers dog killers and pussies, despite the fact that recording the victim who had an order out on his wife was a violation as well
• Claim they want to get their kids back from DCF but constantly air their dirty white trash laundry domestic dispute on Facebook
• Primary disagreement in their “marriage” revolves around use of the family moped, and he can’t drive a car because he hit a Plymouth cop’s pregnant wife a car
• Wigmaster Willy wanted to make it clear that his license was suspended BEFORE he hit the pregnant woman, and that it took the cops 6 hours to find him after he fled the scene of the crime
• A month before that she was posting about how proud she was of her baby for “coming so far and accomplishing so much” because drug court gave him a certificate
• Despite still being a shithead Wigmaster Willy was featured in the newspaper as the official ribbon cutter at a Plymouth drug treatment center
• Wigmaster Willy was proud of Turtleboy fame, and thinks the blog made him look better than he actually is
• Narcan Naniburger was not as pleased, and wrote email and Facebook messages calling me a pussy ass bitch maggot cockroach leech

 

 

 

2. Audrey Robinson vs. 10. Lawrence Tunaflap Tortilla

10. Lawrence Tunaflap Tortilla

• Reproduced as a 15 year old, then fired out two more raw dog trophies and lost custody of all of them
• Filmed herself refusing to hand over the kids at the DCF office after her monthly visit with them because her daughter says the foster family is mean to her
• Escalated the situation and caused the kids to cry as DCF workers threatened to call the cops on her
• Kids don’t have a Dad or a home, but they all have a fresh pair of Jordans
• Coached her kids with leading questions to tell DCF that they were being abused in foster home
• Got one daughter to cry in what was clearly a traumatic incident she was provoking
• Posted explanation for behavior on Facebook about her boo-hoo story in which nothing was her fault
• Son who mouthed off at DCF workers has to go to behavioral school in Worcester because he mouths off to teachers “when he’s being treated differently,” which is code for “I raised my brat to argue with adults whenever he feels aggrieved”
• Son was so bad in school that she had to constantly leave work to come pick him up, but she had no job and couldn’t afford the Uber fees
• Put on a pair of scrubs and called herself a CNA, tried bringing the devil child to work with her, which wasn’t allowed, so now she lost him again
• Insists that her kids belong with her, even though she clearly has displayed that she has no idea how to be a mother
• Says she didn’t abandon her kids, she just gave them up
• When not complaining about DCF she mostly posts sexual things about how she wants to get flipped over like pancake

 

2. Audrey Robinson

• Former Templeton School Committee member arrested for downloading and distributing thousands of images of kiddie porn
• Turned into a woman despite clearly being a dude name Audrey
• Continued posting on Facebook after being arrested by FBI like nothing happened
• After news of arrest became public he swore he would fight until the bitter end and was innocent
• Plead guilty 9 months later but said he only did so because the justice system hates transgendered people
• Frequently groomed children on Facebook by looking for photographers for “transgender kids” who want to “live their magical childhood” and said he “knows their innocence”
• Really hates Ron DeSantis due to anti-grooming law in Florida because the government has no right to stop him from talking to kids about how he’s transgender in school
• Favorite place is Disney World so that he can be close to children
• Used Facebook to smear the manager at the 99 Restaurant in Gardner for not letting employees wear rainbow pins, threatening to have a rainbow flash mob there, and accused the manager of giving blowjobs to men
• Smeared and threatened critics with gay attorney husband
• Ironically posted while at a court appearance how a drunk driver was being let off with no consequences, despite being charged with considerably worse crimes
• Immediately after pleading guilty AJ Robinson ran to Facebook to announce to his followers that he only plead guilty because he ran out of money, and vowed to tell the “real” story