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Ratchet Madness

Ratchet Madness 2021 Round 1: Biblow Region

 

Here are your 8 ratchets who have advanced to the second round of Turtleboy Ratchet Madness in the Guttermuppet region.

Giannetti and Beast Lightning look dominant, while Jill Sheriden looked quite impressive and perhaps underseeded as well. Sets up some good matchups for Round 2 next week.

Time to decide who will advance in the Biblow region now. 

 

1. Waraq

  • Gangsta rap group that reads lyrics off their iPhones and performs primarily in backyards, swamps, and poorly lit basements
  • Every video requires long haired creature popping out of mystery hiding spot halfway through, followed by transgender Janeane Garofalo throwing a hammer for absolutely no reason
  • Claim to be the hottest rap group in the country who will inevitably be making millions of dollars a year on record deals, but don’t seem to understand that everyone is laughing at them
  • Incited a riot that ended in the destruction of a police cruiser and the looting of the mall at a black lives matter protest and were officially declared a gang by the Providence Police
  • Started GoFundMe scam to get lead rapper a face tattoo to “change hip hop for the better” but likely ended up pocketing the meager donations they accumulated

 

16. Bootleg Avenatti

  • Sent me a demand letter threatening a deformation lawsuit that never came after we exposed his deadbeat client Feta Cheese Freddie, in which he corrected my spelling several times
  • Uses stock photos of various black people who do not work with him on his website to make himself look diverse and woke
  • Hired previously for deformation lawsuits, promising his clients big wins and then losing miserably in court
  • Tried and failed to get harassment order against Turtleboy and two anonymous Facebook posters he didn’t know the real names of
  • Has previous arrests for domestic violence against a woman and DUI
  • Claimed that I was insecure and created fake Facebook pages in order to like my Facebook pages and make it look like I had more followers than I really do
  • Included inappropriate joke I made in email in application for the order, “What do you call a Greek guy with a big dick – Italian.”
  • Boy friend Mitchell Fleming promised victory in court, but failed to deliver
  • Filed $5K lawsuit against random guy from Manchester for sharing TB blog about him

 

 

8. Revere Guzzlerina

  • Used racial slurs to degrade woman’s babies after the woman allegedly spoke ill of her offspring
  • Promised to “stomp the eggs out of your c***” to a rival ratchet
  • Said she was going to put bullets in the heads of multiple people
  • Swore she wasn’t racist in another rant in which she referred to a woman as the n word and said she would’ve shot her in the head if she was really racist
  • Denied having sex with black man by saying, “If I wanted a melanin sausage I would’ve sat on it”
  • Multiple Google trophies and animosity towards Revere Police

 

9. Jihad Jimmy and Captain Thunder Thighs

  • Ratchet immigrants from Mexico and Yemen who ended up in Holyoke
  • She has tattoo above her reproductive organ
  • Owned a pit bull named Stinky that they allowed to bite and kill another dog
  • Blamed the owner of the dead dog in a Facebook post for trying to pry his dog from Stinky’s jaws
  • Had the dog for over a year and never got required shots
  • Police report showed that everything she posted was a lie, and that Stinky was unleashed in the yard
  • Started a GoFundMe to bring Stinky home that included a legendary sentagraph, when in fact Stinky was going to be put down regardless
  • He told the victim on Facebook that the victim’s dead father was ashamed of him
  • After a picture of the dead dog was posted he accused the victim of screaming and crying, and not composing himself “like a man,” after watching his chihuahua get ripped to shreds
  • She claimed the pit bull was the victim because the chihuahua was a great fighting dog
  • Accused the victim of being a scam artist despite the fact that they had a GoFundMe for their killer dog that was being put down anyway
  • She also accused the witnesses who saw his dog on the sidewalk (not her lawn) of making up a lie and jumping her with 10 family members in another periodless novella
  • Followed the victim to Hatfield and used drones to harass him, so a judge granted the victim a restraining order

they also started a GoFundMe for no apparent reason and haven’t explained how this money will bring Stinky home to them to terrorize the neighborhood some more.

 

 

 

 

4. Crack Rock Carlos

  • Has cash face tattoos and overgrown public hair
  • Alleged on Facebook that he was discriminated against because of his race while out to eat in Fitchburg
  • Struggled to grasp the English language “Mind me they were Doing nothing But smoking cigarette.”
  • Used black lives matter hashtags despite not being black
  • Claimed he went to the Summer Street Cafe with two friends, they went out to smoke a cigarette, got harassed for no reason, went back inside, the waitress served them, they ate their food, and then the police came and kicked them out
  • Threatens people on Facebook not to “start the heat” if they roll up on Hilltop
  • Insisted that he “payed” for his food after being kicked out of the restaurant
  • Other witnesses disputed his story, claiming to have seen him smoking crack outside and he left a crack rock on the table
  • Friend nodded off into a plate of hashbrowns
  • Demanded access to surveillance tape after insisting he was telling the truth because it “would’ve proofed a point”

 

13. Ludlow Slugpump Sisters

  • Sisters Danielle and Jessica made headlines after getting arrested twice in a month for violent offenses
  • First came outside of a Springfield bar when they knocked a friend of their’s unconscious for the crime of being friends with Jessica’s ex-boyfriend
  • Five weeks later the younger sister Danielle had another incident revolving around a dude and ended up getting arrested for assaulting some WNEC cops
  • Dad Kenny mocked Danielle for not being able to stay drug free for more than 12 minutes
  • Jessica started fundraiser at the end of November for her sister, alleging that Danielle was paralyzed in the hospital with brain damage after some friends of her’s roofied her and raped her, and she’s raised over $1,100 for her bills
  • Said that unnamed friends drugged her and left her unconscious, presumably after having their way with her, her brain doesn’t work and she can’t talk or walk, her legs no longer work and may never work again, her medical bills will be sky high with no explanation as to why insurance isn’t paying for it, and she went an undisclosed amount of time without oxygen going to her brain and is somehow alive
  • Many accused Danielle of overdosing on drugs, and Jessica using it as an opportunity to scam people with a GFM
  • Immediately began posting themselves purchasing expensive things on Facebook
  • Danielle admitted in text messages that she was no longer in the hospital
  • Danielle owed money to Jessica, and Dad Kenny decided the best way to repay the debt would be for Jessica to scam people with this elaborate GoFundMe scam
  • Kenny himself in text messages said that Danielle had heroin, fentanyl, cocaine, acid, and partridge and a pear tree in her blood, along with bruises consistent with sexual assault
  • Dad blamed the whole thing on a guy named John, who he said normally gets his drugs from Jessica, but Jessica wouldn’t sell him drugs because she knew that they would end up with her sister
  • Danielle was allegedly brain dead and can’t walk, yet has been messaging and friend requesting people for weeks
  • Zero evidence or bills were provided to back up story
  • Jessica preemptively wrote Turtleboy long winded message that made no sense at all in an attempt to prove her innocence after hearing rumblings that she would end up on TB
  • Claimed that my reputation would be on the line and that no one would ever donate to TB if I blogged about her

 

 

5. Rotund Rousey

  • Violently beat a woman with her Obamaphone at the Saugus Walmart
  • Has a litter of children from various fathers
  • Frequently posts pictures emphasizing her rumpus in an attempt to attract the next mate
  • Blamed the violent assault on racism
  • Told witness who disputed her claim, “how about you suck the d***, I’ll put this dildo strap my sister has in her purse rig hut down your throat, I don’t have from the f***in BACK,” called him a rate, and said tht he deserved a beating too
  • Threatened to fight multiple other people in the comments section, including men

 

12. Drive By Domingo

  • Killed in a Springfield drive by shooting while broadcasting on Facebook Live
  • Last thing he posted on Facebook was “real n words don’t talk much just drive bys and walk ups” before ironically being killed by a “real n word” in such fashion
  • Frequently posted gang signs, references to shooting people, and nostalgic posts about how the streets ain’t the same since he got out of jail
  • Previously arrested as a juvenile for shooting his 15 year old girlfriend before punching holes in her wall
  • Life goals include acquiring Jordan’s and then acquiring more Jordan’s to wear while drinking Hennessy and giving the camera the middle finger for no reason

 

 

 

3. MC Spectrum

  • Self described “dope rapper” who disrupted a peaceful pro-police standout in West Brookfield while dressed like a used tampon
  • Used the n word repeatedly, but clarified afterwards that “By no means am I racist, homophobic, or have down syndrome.”
  • Claims to be the promoter for “Dont be mad music,” and is a zodiac pimp
  • Frequently rocks flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats
  • Was kicked out of one of his own rap shows at the Palladium for being so drunk, came back screaming at the staff, was asked to leave, refused, and ended up getting arrested
  • Addicted to Coors Light and sometimes nods off during live show rap performances
  • Still burns CDs and sells $1 songs to anyone who will purchase them
  • Filmed a rap video at Old Orchard Beach filled with drugged out women wearing half shirts that accentuated their fupas
  • Was arrested by State Police in Brookfield barracks where he live streamed himself in a jail cell

 

14. Enfield Penis Colada

  • Woman whose pit bull was shot and killed by police after biting her man-bunned son’s girlfriend in the neck and nearly killing her
  • Attempted to stop the dog by throwing water on it
  • Covered in tittoos, has multiple baby daddy’s, and regularly uses phrases like “work flow bitch”
  • Threatened to have her “big ass dog” maul some kids who tried to steal her teenage sons’ scooters
  • Has “a lot” of sons who have their friends over playing Fortnite late into the evening
  • Posted on Facebook that the next time someone tried to steal their scooters she vowed to unleash the pit bull and the children to “rock the s*** out of whoever the f*** it is.”
  • Brags about how well life is going while living in a slum with teenage children who sit on the stoop all day flashing gang signs
  • Still has more pit bulls she allows around her smaller children
  • Frequently vows to fight women in ratchet Facebook posts
  • Claimed to be reformed from previous self, who was presumably even more ratchet
  • Uses phrases like “catch a case behind a bum” and “word to Gods”

 

6. Connor McBootlegger

  • Bootleg MMA fighter who started a GoFundMe for his friends funeral expenses then refused to hand over the money to the family because they wouldn’t let him spend the money he raised on a Budweiser tattoo
  • Told the family member he was lucky to get anything and accused him of being on drugs
  • Haggled over the cost of a wake and flowers, thinking that somehow leftover money would go to him
  • Previously featured on Turtleboy for soliciting friends to smash up his car with bat in an insurance fraud scheme
  • Frequently trashes his baby momma in ratchet Facebook posts and uses the n word
  • Once was arrested for malicious destruction of a car

 

11. Sugar Shane Short Bus

  • Got called out by a Palmer restaurant on Facebook where him and his girlfriend pulled a chew and screw
  • Claimed that the restaurant was bullying him and putting him in danger so he went to the police station in a failed attempt to file charges against them
  • Said that they didn’t chew and screw, they just took a bite of their food and it wasn’t up to their standards so they left
  • Naively believed when I messaged him that I was going to write a sympathetic story that made him look like the victim
  • Girlfriend named Heaven lied about a hair being in her food for the reason she didn’t pay for it
  • Live streamed himself standing outside of the restaurant for 45 seconds to confront them about shaming him, didn’t alert them that he was there, baselessly claimed he went to the police station and had hair in his food, and thought this all proved something
  • Vowed to hunt me down repeatedly, and said that he had audio and video of himself at the police station which proved that they told him that he didn’t have to pay for his food, but wouldn’t show me said video because I made a “phony ass statement
  • Posts a lot of pictures of money in an attempt do depict himself as some sort of baller, but can’t pay for his meals

 

 

 

7. Brockton Retardy B

  • “Aspiring rapper,” which of course means he’s unemployed, sells mediocre weed, has $0 in savings, and no intention of planning for the future because the odds that he’ll live that long are slim to none
  • Videos are often shot from such glamorous locations as Brockton parking lots, and feature flat brimmed Bulls hats, Henny, imaginary guns, section 8 apartments, and shoutouts to friends from Taunton who went to jail for first degree murder whilst trying to keep it 100
  • Shot his baby momma in the head in a failed attempt to kill her, then shot himself in a failed attempt to kill himself and make it look like he was shot during a robbery
  • Posted non-stop gangsta nonsense on his Facebook page about what a hardo he is, how much money he makes selling drugs, and how large his male member is
  • Live streamed himself mentally abusing the woman he eventually shot for allegedly cheating on him while he was in jail
  • Justified his abusive behavior to the haters by saying “you ain’t never been in love 100 emoji”
  • Insisted he was a good father despite live streaming his abuse with them in the room

 

10. War-wack Stench Wench

  • Attempted to sell government issued bus pass on Facebook yard sale page
  • Forgot to remove syringe in background
  • Reposted the bus pass with a $10 discount and without the syringe after receiving much blowback
  • Fired from stripper job at the Wild Zebra due to drug habits
  • Frequently sells “never been used” items on Facebook that she almost definitely stole
  • Arrested at a motel in Providence with her boyfriend because she was wanted for warrants on possession charges and he was arrested for being in the same motel as her since she had gotten a no-contact order against him
  • Deadbeat mother who can’t be bothered to write to the children she abandoned because she’s a busy pawning stolen goods for drug money on Facebook

 

 

2. Big Black Jeffrey

  • Drag queen who posts pictures of himself naked or scantily clad with underage girls in hot tubs drinking alcohol in various hotel rooms, and sees nothing wrong with any of this
  • Messaged me demanding the blog came down and then vowed massive deformation lawsuits
  • Accused by many girls of sexual assault
  • Blamed the children’s mothers for allowing them to hang out with him in hotel rooms and drink alcohol
  • Posted pictures of one victim who has an active stay away order against him
  • Posted a picture of himself naked in a lake with the message “drowning in sex”
  • Went to the West Springfield Police Station to have me charged while he was under investigation for providing alcohol to minors who he had sex with
  • Went on Facebook Live and admitted to performing oral sex on a girl who was passed out from alcohol he got for her while live streaming it to Instagram:     
  • Applied for 2 harassment orders against me and showed up to court dressed as a woman where he made a fool of himself while ranting to the judge about how he got fired from his job for being a sexual deviant
  • Posted to a 15 year old girl on Facebook, “I’d slap the s*** out of a fat black b****and jump off a bridge for you I wanna make babies wit your godly luscious beautiful face I wanna cum all over”

 

15. Ludlow Liabetic

  • Had another baby after getting blogged about which was quickly taken by DCF
  • Despite being outed continued to use multiple Facebook accounts in order to infiltrate and target Diabetic groups

 

 

 

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