Ratchet Madness 2023 Round 1: Guttermuppet Region

 

Here are your 8 ratchets who have advanced to the second round of Turtleboy Ratchet Madness in the Spunktrumpet region.

I have never seen this many upsets this early in Ratchet Madness. A 1 seed is out, as are the 4, 5, and 6 seeds in this region. Shaping up to be a crazy tournament this year. Now it’s time to decide who should advance in the Guttermuppet region. I have included a bulleted ratchet resume along with a link to relevant blogs on each contestant so that you can make an informed decision.

 

1. DUMP TRUCK vs 16. Wareham Womb Tomb and Falmouth Fentanyl Ferret

1. DUMP TRUCK

• Unemployed welfare mother who ignores her children all day while she sits on Discord and pretends to be an Internet detective
• Messaged me dozens of times a day with story ideas in a desperate attempt to gain acceptance and feel valued
• Uses obscene filters that transform her from a morbidly obese Irish village maid into a skinny, attractive, normal looking woman
• Created a Twitter account called Turtleboy Secret that obsessively chronicled and posted out of context clips and excerpts from blogs with the goal of ending TB forever
• Founded something called “Team Storm,” which vowed to deliver a knockout punch that never came
• Teamed up with abusive mother Kate Peter, who she previously claimed she would rather cut her vagina with razor blades than associate with
• Provided assistance to rapists, dog killers, child rapists, domestic batterers, and other criminals in the hopes that one of them would take down Turtleboy
• Filed for divorce in 2018 after falsely accusing husband and sole bread winner of raping her, only to withdraw divorce complaint in 2022
• Told everyone that her baby died, even though she just miscarried, and sent a message to Turtleboy asking us to send her flowers to make her feel better
• Pretended to work for Turtleboy after trying out and failing, had people message her with story ideas that she never forwarded to us because she told tipsters we were too busy
• Frequently asks for free stuff, including a minivan, on Medfield Facebook groups
• Brags about how she comes from a “blue family” in order to get people to take her more seriously, even though she is estranged from her brother and father Boston Police officers
• Made fake Snapchat accounts to stalk and harass women who she believed were sleeping with her emotionally abused husband
• Posted videos of my 3 year old son crying in a failed attempt to prove I am a child abuser
• Claimed that joining team storm was part of her penance for supporting the blog for several years

 

 

16. Wareham Womb Tomb and Falmouth Fentanyl Ferret

• Copious Google trophies for him for dealing fentanyl, larceny, breaking into homes to feed his habit, and violating probation
• Neither of them has a job so they often pretend to be looking for “odd jobs” in a Wareham Facebook group
• Says he is too good to work at a restaurant, and too valuable to work for what he was getting paid at Savers, so he quit
• Says he needs a place that’s “felon friendly” but pays more than he makes selling home grown weed
• Started business called  Orlando Family Services, which offers to do things your 14 year old kid would offer to the neighbors if he needed money for video games
• Reproduced and can regularly be found all over the community Facebook groups using the baby as a prop to get free stuff. They literally have nothing to provide their baby and asked for basically everything you’d already have months in advance if you were expecting. They also moved into an apartment in Wareham and wanted the community to furnish the entire place for free
• Used pictures of their baby to solicit sympathy Christmas gifts for themselves while speaking in baby voice

 

 

8. West Warwick Grammy Gangsta vs. 9. Southbridge Welfare Walrus

8. West Warwick Grammy Gangsta 

•  15 year old West Warwick boy named Ger’Vontae Tilson was shot and killed in Providence, and he was commemorated in the normal ratchet fashion – t-shirts, empty bottles of Henny, and a candlelight vigil
• Mom spoke about what a great kid her felon in training son was, and that he had a baby on the way despite being 15
• Began posting in CAPS LOCK about how she was gonna kill the people who killed her son, plotting to hurt mofos, and bragging how her son was the realest
• It turned out that her son got shot after setting another kid up to be robbed of a gun, and the shooter was not charged with murder because it was self defense
• Mom responded to non-indictment about how “REAL N****S DON’T HIDE,” as she vowed revenge
• Immediately began working on dope t-shirts, tattoos, and making sure no one took a picture of the casket.
• Glorified the teenage girl who’s acting as the incubator for her first of many grandchildren to come.
• Posted videos two days after son died from when her son was 13 years old, teasing him about losing his virginity alongside the mother of the girl he lost his virginity to
• “N****s is out here losing they virginity and shit. Ger’vonte, that’s what you do at 13. You don’t even know what the f*** you doing. What you doing, baby strokes? It’s even more funny because the Mom is my friend.”
• When he was alive Mom did nothing about son’s Facebook posts saying he was the “realest n****a” in Providence and about how his rivals “better get low” when they see him
• Primary concern afterwards was people “clout chasing” grief by crying too much over his death
• Media intentionally cropped out picture of her with her dead son so it didn’t show him giving the camera the finger
• Regularly films herself driving around with her unrestrained toddlers in the back hitting each other and flipping the bird
• Posted 30 minute video pretending to be a good mother, because she’s upset about the way that her son’s friends are grieving him because it takes the attention off of her

 

9. Southbridge Welfare Walrus

• Makes Tik Toks showing off fupa with litter of raw dog trophy kids
• Claims to be a nurse but is really just a CNA
• After being revealed to not be a nurse she made a Tik Tok explaining that you have to enter her social security and license number to look her up, while mocking people who work at restaurants because they’re not trained medical professionals like her
• A woman whose child is friend’s with her daughter found out that she had stolen her child’s social security card
• To address these concerns and prove that she was in fact a medical professional, Samantha showed up at the woman’s house with her 7 year old daughter in the front seat and challenged the woman to fight on the front lawn
• Posts videos swearing in front of that same girl and her much younger son on a family trip to the Dollar Store
• Likely slept with a Southbridge Police Officer named Reddick, which she then used to imply a threat to the woman filming her
• Claims to have a Masters degree despite being unable to spell
• After leaving apartment sent text messages threatening to break woman’s face

 

 

4. Worcester Pepperonia Pinata vs. 13. Warwick Relapse Rebounder

4. Worcester Pepperonia Pinata

• Blamed police in Facebook posts and at press conference after her nephew and junior hoodbooger friends stole a car, drove it 70 mph down Main Street in Worcester, and crashed and killed one passenger
• Was so upset and grieving about what happened that she had time to get her hair and nails done before the press conference
• Frequently threatens to throw down with the parent of any child who attempts to f*** with her kid
• Vowed to “start a California forest fire in Massachusetts, in the name of Allah”  if she saw people “speaking ill of the parents”
• Frequently uses Facebook to call out rival hoes and claim ownership of spicy looking caucasian chicks looking to experiment sexually
• Posted images on Facebook visiting gravestone of man named OG Steelz, and throwing up gang signs with the Chandler Boyz
• Claimed to be highly educated with two degrees, and was valedictorian of something, but likely has a GED at most
• Job appears to be selling plus sized panties on Facebook
• Said it was OK for her nephew and friends to drive stolen car 70 mph through red light because they had their headlights on
• Was proud of being featured on the blog and said I used great pictures of her
• Named her criminal son after Muhammed Ali’s slave name
• Did such a poor job raising her son that by the time he was 18 he was already well known to the police from his involvement in gangs and was involved with shooting a 15 year old in the face
•  Is a gangbanging criminal herself who served time in Framingham for drug dealing, and was arrested 2 years ago by State Police
• When son was younger she plead guilty to dealing cocaine and gun charges, and was put on a DCF plan
• Helped bail her son out of jail last year, but he ended up violating the terms of his release and is now locked up in the Worcester House of Corrections
• Presented herself at the press conference as some sort of legitimate human being whose opinions should be taken seriously, but video emerged of her a few months prior beating the dog piss out of a rival ho at 3 G’s sports bar in Worcester

 

13. Warwick Relapse Rebounder

• Made Facebook announcement bragging about being a father but forgot to mention that the girl he impregnated turned 17 in April and he was 24.
• Before turning 17 she ran away to be with him and was reported as a missing child
• Previously charged with indecent solicitation of a child in 2017 when she was 12 and he was 19
• Has a plethora of other Google trophies during that time, including some recent ones for domestic violence and vandalism, and at least 5 for driving without a license
• Got locked out of his Facebook account so he couldn’t delete the baby post, which led to a bunch of other alleged victims coming forward to tell their stories
• Girls were accusing him of taking advantage of them when they relapsed and were underage, getting minors drugs and booze, assaulting teen girls, and more
• Admitted to hooking up with a 14 year old when he was 18 or 19
• Post attracted a number of chomos who came out to defend his love for minors

 

5. E-Lies-a Bleu vs. 12. Plainville Dog Poop Pillagers

5. E-Lies-a Bleu

• Real name is Elizabeth Mortland, she’s a 41 years old woman raised in western Illinois, and is the daughter of former Republican State Rep and failed 2018 Lt. Governor candidate Richard Morthland
• Went through various life phases, including punk rock, hoodrat pass around, and leading expert on sex trafficking
• Denied who her father was after being exposed because it disrupted her narrative as some sort of street girl
• Made up an easily debunked lie about being the victim of sex trafficking for online clout
• Grew in popularity by intentionally seeking out media attention and received it, including interviews with Dr. Drew, the Daily Wire, and several prominent YouTube streamers
• Story began to unravel when 2016 World Star Hip Hop video started making the rounds, showing her shaking her ghetto rumpus
• Later lied and said that she was being sex trafficked during that video and doesn’t remember it, despite the fact that she sought out World Star Hip Hop and they paid her to be in the video
• Used that lie to pressure Twitter and YouTube to silence and ban content creators who played the video or even discussed her questionable past
• Began using blaccent during various interviews, claiming to have worked with the “dopest directors in the game”
• Said she was plus sized background dancer who regularly hung out with all sorts of rappers
• Claimed to have turned down $150K for sex, despite allegedly being a sex trafficking victim with no ability to choose her own Johns
• Began using phrases like “It was cracking on the low, “They was trying to holla at me,” “Nobody’s ever come and said nothing to my face,” and “Everyone who wants to have sex with me is a rapper or basketball player.”
• Has used a number of fake names over the years every time she tries to workshop a new online persona
• Appeared on episode of Blind Date, in which she was the worst possible date ever
• Vowed to sue anyone who shared her consensual images, claiming they were non-consensual, but then never did
• Cucked “reporter” Shane Cashman at her parents’ farm and got him to write quite possibly the worst and most emasculating story of all time providing cover for her, under the guise of “gonzo journalism”
• Appeared on an episode of Steve Harvey Show shaking her money maker
• Refused to name the people who sex trafficked her for years, despite allegedly being high profile athletes
• Says that gang members are still trying to kill her so she has to keep a low profile despite constantly seeking attention on highly trafficked shows
• Told her Mom she was a “video vixen” and pretended they were ashamed of her, but in reality they didn’t give a shit
• Made up a lie about running a nonprofit for trafficking victims called Humanity House to try to get the attention of Andrew Yang
• Ironically accused other women of lying about being victims of sex trafficking in order to promote their Only Fans
• Started various GoFundMe’s that always mention her history as a survivor of sex trafficking, one of which is for a vacation, because she claims her trafficking work is 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, and apparently didn’t pay much

 

12. Plainville Dog Poop Pillagers

• Made made a post in a Plainville Facebook group alleging that a rival lesbian couple in subsidized apartment did something to her family over dog poop and bullied them when the constable was kicking them out in April
• Posted a mugshot for one of the two women and warned residents to beware of the dangerous scissor sisters
• Failed to mention that she didn’t live there anymore but her kids still brought the dogs to the apartment complex to shit all over the place and not pick any of it up
• Later discovered that she and her clan of corn fed raw dog trophies were evicted from their section 8 housing after previously assaulting one of the short haired lesbians (after mocking her haircut)
• Turned out Grandma had an open court case for the assault, as does her oldest daughter, and has an order in place that she was likely violating by engaging in such a manner with the victims
• Tried every trick in the book to avoid eviction, except showing up for court because she got defaulted
• Filed a motion to vacate the default, but once again forgot to show up for the hearing on that
• Older daughter who’s also facing assault charges chimed in and accused the lesbian Latino couple of racially profiling them
• After truth came out she began using CAPS LOCK to call the lesbians she terrorized “monsters” by responding directly to them
• Said she wanted to get in touch with Turtleboy, then realized that I probably wouldn’t write nice things about her and decided not to

 

 

3. Fall River Bodega Beaver vs. 14. Griswold Grundlehog

3. Fall River Bodega Beaver

• Made a video and Facebook post accusing a Fall River bar of discrimination and racism because of “no colors” sign on door
• Didn’t realize that “coloreds” and “colors” are words that mean different things, and the bar was not letting people wear biker gang colors inside
• Claimed the sign brought her back to slavery days, despite not being black
• Filmed herself confronting employee who tried to explain what the sign meant, but told the employee “that’s very prejudice if you ax me so I’m taking this very personal.”
• Was interviewed by media outlets and continued to look dumber by doubling down on her inability to understand what the sign meant

 

14. Griswold Grundlehog

• Mother of 2 girls (8 and 14) who was arrested for tampering with evidence in order to protect her stepson who molested her 14 year old
• Hobbies include pounding Busch Light with her hillbilly boyfriend, riding on the back of a motorcycle, and covering for people who diddle her kids
• Knew about the sexual deviance formonths because her daughter came to her with it, but instead of telling the police she decided to confront her grown stepson and have him delete all his messages with her daughter
• Daughter ended up going to another family member who actually gave a shit about her and wanted to protect her from a Queef Jerky’s diddling digits
• Blamed her daughter for enticing him by wearing skimpy clothing, just in case it wasn’t clear what a horrible mother she is
• DCF placed both her kids in the home of a family member who actually gave a shit about them
• After losing kids immediately launched new career as backyard puppy breeder

 

 

6. Tommy Twelve Steps And Slam Squid vs. 11. Hoochy Yamaguchi

6. Tommy Twelve Steps And Slam Squid

• Both fentanyl jackals who chose to reproduce, naming 4 kids Hunter, Kylo, Paxton, and Amaiyah
• He had 6 other kids with various other drug addicted women and took care of none of them
• He was  arrested and charged with murdering his roommate during a dispute
• Serenaded his girlfriend Amber on Facebook with never ending sentagraphs about how he wanted to stop fighting so much, and how he wasn’t going anywhere
• He was constantly posting on Facebook about how he was turning his life around and staying on the straight path
• Often called out his girlfriend on Facebook, accusing her of confiscating his kids
• Right before committing murder he posted about what a piece of shit you have to be to abandon your kids, despite the fact that his kids have spent much of their lives in DCF care and will now grow up without a father because he couldn’t resist the urge to stab his friend to death
• Right before getting arrested he posted a love note to his girlfriend telling her that although she was mad right now he would always be there for her when she needed him
• Facebook post was public and after getting arrested was filled with hundreds of commenters calling him out for being a waste of space
• At his court date she gave an extremely ratchet interview in which she smiled, showed off her two remaining front teeth that are hanging on for dear life
• She was supposed to be in court that day for a reunification hearing with her kids, but it got cancelled due to the murdering
• Told reporters that they lost custody of their kids last year, were “working hard” and going to rehab, had a reunification party planned for them the same night he was arrested for murder, and the party was cancelled
• He’s got a bunch of Google trophies for stalking, domestic violence, drugs, and bail violations
• After court she began taunting the victim’s family on Facebook, accusing the deceased of selling her baby daddy the drugs that magically turned him into a murderer
• Challenged the victim’s family to “step to my hood”
• Vowed to to murder rival ratchets and “end right back in court for another case”
• Later discovered to been cheating on Tommy Twelve Steps, which led him to get high and take his rage out on the victim

 

11. Hoochy Yamaguchi

• Orchestrated and participated in assault on an elderly man and then ordered her hoodbooger friends to beat and curb stomp him and another man when they came to look for his glasses
• Could be heard on the video taunting the victim on the ground, making fun of him for crying
• Is only 18 but will almost definitely be pregnant in the next 3 years, and she will never, EVER leave Brockton
• Questioned by the police but avoided a charge by ratting
• Claimed that the elderly man she helped assault was an “angel,” and said that two of the other thugs were named X and Ray before crying, refusing to sign anything, and demanding a lawyer

 

 

 

7. Senator Flapjack Tiara Mack vs. 10. New Bedford Knob Slob

7. Senator Flapjack Tiara Mack

• Communist Rhode Island State Senator who went to to beach and decided to post a video on Tik Tok of herself twerking upside down in a thong
• Says she’s a hot lesbian State Senator who brags about how many nip slips she has in public
• Doubled down on Twitter and said that conservatives were being haters for the twerking video
• Carpetbagger from the Atlanta suburbs who was shipped off to South Carolina for high school before moving north to attend Ivy League Brown University where she got a degree in Public Health, yet still pretends to be some sort of urban street girl
• Constantly uses Twitter to lecture white people about how oppressed she is as 10 different marginalized statuses
• Posted on Twitter how she “loved funding abortion” and “loves abortion”
• Primary focus since getting elected has been to sexually groom children by passing legislation that encourages kids to pick their own gender and give anal a shot
• Posted that she was “really excited” to groom other people’s children because of her background teaching “queer inclusive, pleasure based sex ed

 

 

10. New Bedford Knob Slob

• Extremely grizzled woman who almost definitely speaks with a Newport Lights accent
• Has given birth to 5 or 6 children (hard to keep track), who she likes to use as props in her e-begging scams, especially around the holidays
• Posted in a Wareham Facebook group that one of her baby daddy’s died “unexpectedly,” and she was waiting for the “children’s death benefits,” and asked for handouts to give her kids a Merry Christmas
• Failed to mention that her baby daddy had a plethora of Google trophies, the two of them routinely got high together, and he probably died from an overdose, but immediately capitalized on that with a GoFundMe
• Failed to mention that just 5 days before she found him dead he was arrested for violating a restraining order she had on him when they were pulled over by police while she was giving him a ride home from court
• Failed to mention that just a couple days ago she violated the terms of her probation by skipping out on rehab and not passing her piss tests
• Has been charged with 95 crimes in various courts around the south shore, including incident when trooper noticed her trying to hide heroin and needles when they were pulled over for driving an unregistered vehicle
• Arrested in 2018 for driving under the influence of drugs with kids in the car, and police actually found her passed out in the driver’s seat
• In 2019 she was arrested for driving without a license after a cop saw her illegally parking in a handicapped spot
• In 2020 she once again was arrested again for rear ending someone after most likely dozing off during a bender while behind the wheel of a vehicle she wasn’t licensed to operate
• Has been begging for free shit for years and using the children she keeps firing out of her baby cannon as bait
• According to her Facebook bio you’re not allowed to judge her
• Is 39 years old but appears to be 114 in New Bedford years
• Despite being unable to afford Christmas for her kids, she is able to bring them to Disney World every year
• Last year she claimed that her now deceased sperm donor beat the crap out of her and she had to go full single Mom since they’d already booked the trip
• Despite Disney trips every year she can’t afford to pay her government subsidized rent of $450 a month, which is why she was evicted by the New Bedford Housing Authority a few weeks ago
• Offers house cleaning services, which she uses to elicit sympathy by constantly bringing up the fact that the guy she had an order on died of an overdose
• Used housecleaning “business” to steal people’s pills, their dead mother’s wedding rings, pandora bracelets, concert tickets, and $500 Euros if they just let you into their Swansea, Rochester, and Dartmouth homes
• Was so high that she asked the woman who pressed charges on her if she could clean her house again
• Used fake business to get $9,100 in free money via PPP loans for the scam business that she uses to rob people
• Claims to be college graduate
• Has lucrative side gig of selling stolen gift cards that aren’t activated

 

 

 

2. Block Island Ferry Flap Dragon vs. 15. Mommy Montana

2. Block Island Ferry Flap Dragon

• Grizzled caucasian lesbian woman with lots of street cred in Providence
• One of the 8 ratchets arrested for her involvement in a Block Island Conferry stabbing fest, and the only one who is female and melanin-adjacent
• Has got 8 cases against her in Rhode Island, most of which involve alcohol, drugs, and bad decisions
• Was unhappy with charges against her for stabbing, but more upset about how her mug shot turned out and posted about it in long winded sentagraphs
• Reproduced without the assistance of a turkey baster
• Has been dragged to court to pay for the child support she owes
• Claims to be bigshot club promoter who frequently poses with Hennessy, gang signs, and flat brimmed Bulls hats
• Posted a 15 minute Facebook Live video proclaiming her innocence, telling the haters she doesn’t mind them because they are making her famous, and claiming that it was only alleged that she threw a knife overboard
• Said she was concerned that news of her arrest could be bad for business as a promoter since she’s been “working with big people,” including a “million dollar actor and comedian” at Fenway Park

 

15. Mommy Montana

• 15 year old daughter was featured as missing on Worcester Police Department Facebook page
• Daughter showed up in the comments to let the world know she wasn’t missing and had run away from her abusive mother
• Daughter posted screenshots of text messages from her mother telling her that she hopes her daughter gets raped and murdered, and how she wishes she aborted her missing daughter
• Claims to be a nonprofit organization management professional with a degree from grocery store university, Salter School
• Currently facing charges in Worcester Superior Court for manufacturing and distributing cocaine
• Has a plethora of other Google trophies, including charges for A&B with a deadly weapon, receiving stolen property, drug charges, larceny, driving without a license (multiple times), and failure to provide DNA
• Conceived another child with friendly neighborhood coke dealer who has since been arrested for driving without a license, indecent exposure, assault and battery on a household member, and two separate cocaine distribution charges
• Frequently in probate court trying to get child support from various men who impregnated her with no intentions of sticking around
• Her 15 year old daughter’s aunt applied for custody after finding her and her 3 siblings home alone with a burning stove when the girl was 9
• Constantly getting evicted for nonpayment of rent but used eviction moratorium to avoid having to pay